CHRISTMAS POST-MOM

When I was a little girl, Christmas was always a time of great anticipation.  We could hardly wait to bring home and decorate our real Christmas tree and pack it full of ornaments and tinsel.  Then the presents under the tree...oh, the great presents!  We would spend hours of stolen moments looking for the packages that had our names on them and wonder what was inside.

Finally, the day arrived.  Aunts, uncles, cousins, and Grandma would descend upon us, everyone carrying more gifts and goodies.  They always made us eat something good before we delved into the goodies, but I guess that was ok.  Fastest sandwich we ever ate was eaten on Christmas Eve!  We would all gather in our tiny living room, finding our spot to sit.  Someone would be appointed as "Santa" (sometimes "Santa" would even come to our door and deliver a special gift) and the unwrapping would begin.  Christmas was magic.

After Mom passed away, Christmas sort of did, too.  This year my children all celebrated with their own families and Joel and I went to my son's house for dinner on Christmas day, otherwise, we passed gifts amongst ourselves.  I guess it isn't about the gifts or how many people come to your house.  I spent Christmas with my wonderful husband and I wouldn't want to be anyplace else.  I do miss seeing the grandchildren open their presents, but hopefully there will be pictures to enjoy.

It's bittersweet.  I wish Christmas could stay the same magical day it was when I was a child, but times change and new memories are formed.  My prayer is that my grandchildren remember their holidays with as much fondness as I remember mine.

Hope yours was filled with many blessings and love!

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I received this product complimentary to test through Influenster’s VoxBox program.

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I received this product, along with many other products, complimentary to test through Influenster’s VoxBox program.  

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Spent

I wish there was a way to take a break from everything.  Even if I do get away for a few days, I still have my awesome mind trailing along.  Work continues to be stressful, I have health issues I'm dealing with, family issues are clouding my mind and breaking my heart...when does it stop?

I guess never.  God never promised us an easy life.  In fact, He told us it was going to be hard.  I wonder what people do who don't have the Lord in their lives?  Talk about being alone!  I think I'm just tired.  If anyone has any ideas on how to relax and let go, please tell me how to do that!

Kaila

I am so hurt by your comment.  I've been through this before with Lindsay, but I never thought we would be standing on the same ground. 

Every few years I get to mourn the loss of a grandchild who turns into a know-it-all teenager and doesn't want me in their life anymore. Then six or seven years later, they come back and show love again. Problem with that theory is eventually I'm going to run out of years and they won't be able to get that back. I would save them the heartache of regret, but I can't do it for them. So, precious granddaughter...I tell you this. I have loved you from the moment I knew you were coming and I will always love you. You can have your teenage angst and tantrums and reactions to truth, but my love for you will never change.  My love for you is unconditional and I will be here when you return (if I can be).

These things are always such a process for me.  I truly mourn...losing the love of someone you love so much is physically painful.  I don't know why God made me such an emotional woman, but He did and my heart breaks easily.  

I want an apology, but I know I won't get one.  Yet.  Maybe I never will.  Did I hurt my mother or grandmother in this way?  I surely hope not.  If I did, I don't have the opportunity to say I'm sorry and that I love them.

I know I'm rambling...but sometimes that's just how my brain operates.  The more I process these things, the quicker I can move on.  I forgive you, Kaila.  In my heart, I will always forgive you.

Relax

I spent a good 30 minutes on my knees in the bathroom, bleach cleaner in one hand and paper towels in the other.  I organized all the things that were sitting on the side of the toilet and scrubbed everything down.  After that, I gathered up all the trash and put it out for the garbage truck in the morning.  Then I washed and dried a load of whites.

So what, you say?  I have constant pain from fibromyalgia and degenerative disk disease and doing anything for 30 minutes in a row is a painful process.  I have to remind myself that I'm not doing these things to please my husband (well, maybe a little), but because it pleases the Lord when I am taking care of things.

Did my husband notice the clean bathroom?  Nope.  What he did notice was that I didn't wash a complete load of whites (the basket was full, but apparently not full enough).  Were my feelings a little hurt?  Yep.  But I'm also trying to learn not to let my emotions rule me and this was a good lesson for me to internalize it.  To not play the martyr and give Joel the silent treatment when he doesn't jump for joy that I did the laundry.  Why would I expect that?  That's how I react when he does something nice for me, but he's not a woman.  I doubt he even noticed the dust and grime in the bathroom.

So I'm blogging and relaxing.  Smiling at him and giving him kisses as I normally do.  Meek, gracious, loving, and kind.  Being a woman is a tough job.

The Good Ol' American Way

Work.


That's really all I have to say.  We wake up, get ready for the day, put in our 8 hours, and come home.  The people in the trenches, like me, get paid a pittance compared to the office staff, which is bogus since we do the actual dirty work.  If any of the office staff ever read this, they'd be angry, but they're lazy!  They leave their dirty dishes all over the kitchen, which I clean because I hate the smell after awhile, and even use up the last of the toilet paper without replacing the roll.  Maybe they think there's a toilet paper angel who comes around and makes everything right again.  (Yea...me.)  Or maybe I've taken on a few OCD tendencies from one of our consumers.

Don't get me wrong.  I love what I do.  Even the menial chores, like showering and toileting don't really bother me.  I've established good relationships with the consumers so they trust me...that makes it so much easier.  It's weird, but I actually miss them when I have a day off.  I just wish everyone would do the same...do unto others and all that.

I work with some awesome staff, though.  Other than the toilet paper roll and the dirty dishes, they're some of the nicest people I've ever worked with.  I'm sure they have tons of things to do, unbeknownst to me, so I'm complaining about things I have no idea of.  No one gossips or talks about things they shouldn't be.  Our new girl is a breath of fresh air (she's about 20 and pregnant with her first baby), and the rest of the DSPs (Direct Service Professional) I've worked with since day 1.

So all in all, my job is a good one.  First and foremost, I'm thankful I have a job.  So many in this country don't and we need to be praying for those people.

Emotions

Today's reading has to do with our emotions and how we should handle them in our lives.  I've always thought of myself as an even-tempered person, but that's only because I push my feelings down.  When I become too full of them, I show my emotions as either anger or hurt.  I get defensive, ready to do battle.  I say things I don't mean and regret later.  My attitude gets increasingly worse and it's hard to come back from that.  I've done that since I was a child and learned how to be invisible.  I'm just now accepting God's healing in this and learning to have a voice and be who I was meant to be.  It's a process.

"A fool vents all his feelings, but a wise man holds them back."  Proverbs 29:11

Today I will learn to walk in wisdom.

The Past and the Future

Sometimes I think writing about my daily life is worthless, but then I think about how valuable it would have been to have had a journal from one of my ancestors.  I do wonder about their lives and what struggles and joys they faced.  I wouldn't be here today if it weren't for them and I'd like to honor their lives somehow. 

What was it like for them to leave their homes to come to a land they knew nothing about?  My great-grandpa boarded a ship at a very early ago to come to America...he was barely old enough for facial hair!  I'd like to know about how he and my great-grandma, Selma Anderson, met and fell in love.  How did they handle their lives when the babies started coming? 

Being Madison's great-grandma really brings the connections close to home for me.  Did my great-grandparents get to see me, hold me, love me?  The space of time between us is so short I can almost reach out and touch them.  How I wish I could.

A Daughter's Decision

Ok, so she's an adult.  She's been married to the same guy for quite some time and they brought three beautiful children into the world.  But no matter how old she gets, she's still my little girl. 

I wish I could make this decision for her.  I wish I could foresee what the future holds for her.  Sometimes I'd like to take her away from all the daily grind and have her be 6 years old again and all it would take was for me to rub her head to make her feel better.

I trust her.  She's a strong woman and she and her husband will make the decision that is best for their family.  In the long run, this will be a very good move for them.  In the immediate future, though, she would have to say goodbye to him for at least a year. 

I am praying for you, precious daughter.  I am here for you anytime you need me.

Put it in a Box

Why do I feel the need to organize every little thing and contain it away in a container of some sort?  Please explain it to my husband.  His name is Joel.  He doesn't "get it".

I don't know where this obsession comes from.  My mother was a neat-freak and my dad came from a long line of disorganization and semi-hoarders.  I always felt more comfortable with Dad's family, even though disorder causes my brain to feel overloaded and messy.  This only happens when it's my own; other people can live how they want to and I don't even see the little (or big) messes that occupy their homes.

How can I explain this to Joel when I can't figure it out myself?  It's not even that I'm that organized.  I just figure if it's in a container, it's 'contained' and not spilling out everywhere.  Problem is, now I have all these containers with unorganized "stuff" in them. 

I'm hopeless.

Work...Blah Blah Blah

Had a very up-and-down day.  I dealt with a very angry consumer because management took something away from him that he considers very important.  Ok, so it's just chocolate milk.  To him, though, it may as well be the world.  He was ready to "kick our asses" and we were all "going to hell".  He even got up out of his chair with his fist raised, ready to strike whichever staff happened to be in his way.  That staff happened to be me.

I really love (insert sarcastic tone here) when management, etc., write up "pretty" programs for the consumers, then put it on us "lowly" staff to enforce the new rules.  They aren't the ones who work directly with them; they just want everything to look good for the government and to cover their own agendas.

Work dominates my mind.  I hate and despise working for and under other people.  Working with folks who deal with mental illness and developmental delays/issues is stressful enough without having "bosses" undermining what we do.

I'm still reeling over her self-righteous and condescending attitude of the interim LPN at the staff meeting last week.  I literally thought she was going to jump on top of the table and slap us all with neglect charges (one of the consumers lost one of his hearing aids and this was the first she heard of it.  It was written in the staff notes, which she says everyone should read, but also said that wasn't sufficient because she doesn't read the staff notes.  Aren't they there for communication between us?  Maybe she should follow her own hard-and-fast rules.)  She had valid points, but she handled it without tact and without any motivating factors at all. 

We are supposed to be near perfect in all aspects of our job:  programs, diets, medications, cleaning, laundry, stubborn, angry consumers, incontinence of every kind, following strict menus and guidelines, dealing with families...the list could go one and on.  At times I think my every move is not just questioned, but criticized.  It's very frustrating.

There's no direction.  Almost everyone is temporary and their focus is somewhere else.  We're floundering and have no one to throw us an anchor.  Other than band together and create a mutiny of sorts, I'm not sure there's anything we can do about it.  And personally?  I'm paid less than anyone there, even though I've been there for over a year and people have been hired after me. 

It's not anything I want to do, but maybe I should check into another company.  I might as well get paid more for doing the same thing.

It's Real and it's True

We find ways to show our love for each other. 

Love is an action word.  It's what we do, not how we feel. 

Love is a gift, one to cherish and open often.  It's inspiration for me to be better.

I have been sick for the last week.  Yesterday I went to the doctor and was prescribed medication for the nausea I've had, but felt so sick I  just wanted to get home.  Needless to say, I didn't get out to pick it up.  My wonderful husband left early for work to go pick it up for me.  I know it's a smallish thing, but it meant the world to me.  I am very blessed to have him in my life.

How I Want My Life to Be

More organized at work and at home
Full of kindness, from me and from others toward me
Serene, an inner peace that shines from me to others
Full of fun and a personal sense of humor
Loving
Trusting
More family time, with mutual love and respect
More energy to do the things I want to do
Healthy choices in my food, drink, and decisions
A fuller spiritual life
Light that generates outward
Learn how to cook and learn to enjoy it
An ability to stand up for myself more
More confidence

Yes, it's a big list.  And a very energetic one at that!  I don't expect to take care of these things in the next month.  I don't even know if it can be done in the next year.  But I want to start.  Even if I make a small change here and there, eventually my life will be as I want it to be.  And I don't expect to be doing this on my own, either.  I will have the help of both my wonderful husband and loving Father...how can I go wrong?

Be Anxious For Nothing

How do I get to the point where I no longer feel guilty for things that happened in the past?  I've had first-hand knowledge of needing to forgive someone a grave injustice, yet I have yet to be forgiven. 

Seriously, I was an abused woman who had extremely low self-esteem.  I couldn't even pick out my own friends, for Pete's sake.  Anyone who's been in that situation understands how I could "allow" the abuses in our lives. Those were dark, dark times.  Again, I take the blame and the fury accompanying it.  I was left behind to pick up the pieces while my ex-husband sat back and earned a college degree, (free for him, mind you) in his prison cell.  Doesn't seem quite right.  Can someone explain this to me?

I get angry when I think about it.  I love each of my children and know they are extremely talented, gifted adults.  But unless I pick up the phone and call one of them, I don't hear from them at all.  And even then, it's to tell me I haven't called in a long time and they are hurt by that.  I see other people get loving attention from their children, no matter how many mistakes they made, and it just makes me sad.  I miss them.  

I have prayed over this situation and I have to be patient.  I know God is working all things together for me and He has a different perspective on this than I do.  If I'm feeling anxious, I need to lay it at His feet and allow Him to continue the work I know He's already started.

I really just want my family back.

Random Thoughts

All the planning in the world would not have prepared me for this.

I don't have any reason to think of this...it just popped into my head today.  I have a lot of those kind of thoughts.  The brain is a crazy thing when it comes to something random.  Where do these thoughts originate?  How do they become thoughts?  You can't get your mind to think of nothing.  Even if you did, you'd be thinking about thinking nothing.

Went grocery shopping for the home today with one of the consumers.  It's always fun to take a person shopping who has Down's Syndrome and an OCD personality; he thinks it's okay to talk to every person he comes in contact with.  The fact that he doesn't know that particular person doesn't matter to him.  People are really nice and will reciprocate conversation, but it makes for a long trip around the store.

People who have Down's Syndrome are my favorite people in the world.  So happy and so helpful.  We could all take a lesson in how to be from someone with Down's.  What do they have that I don't have?  Do I know anyone who is happy more than they're not?

Sorrowful

I have had time to consider the mistakes I made in the past, mistakes I made as a mother.  I have had time to think of those mistakes from my adult child's point of view.  And as much as I'd like to hate myself for those mistake, I can't.  It wasn't about me.  I was a bit player in a horrible play that I didn't know how to get out of.

As painful as it is, I've had to put myself in my children's eyes and see the life they were forced to live.  They had no choice but endure the back and forth life they lived (one minute we were fine and the next minute, there was utter chaos).  I had the choice, but chose to stay out of fear.  I was weak and pretty much useless, but again I revert back to myself.


Evil was so tricky, so deceitful.  He did his best to put a wedge between my children and I.  For the most part, he has succeeded.  I rebelled after he was gone, even though he had beaten me down so badly I didn't even have a sense of who I was.  My children were the real victims here, even though they've turned into amazing adults and are NOT victims in the usual sense.

I truly mourn for their losses.  I cringe inside as I think of what they endured, during Evil's presence and after he was gone.  I did play a large part of this, even if it wasn't intentional.  Where was I when they were living on the streets?  Where was I when my precious daughter thought I hated her and blamed her for all the changes that were happening in our lives?  Where was I when my only son wasn't allowed to sit on the furniture or when I came home from work to see the results of an earlier beating?

The truth hurts.  These were my babies!  I should have protected them from Evil.  I should have stood between them and gotten us out of there, no matter the cost.  I can't say why I stayed.  Being so far away from it now, none of it makes any sense.  It's a classic case of a wife being physically and emotionally abused, so much so that I didn't know what was right and what was wrong.  My views on life were definitely skewed.  I'm not sure which was worse, when Evil lived with us or when he was gone and I was let loose.

I know all this is going to be resolved.  I know I will win the trust of my family again.  I'm not the same person I was when all this was going on.  I mean, it's been since 1990!  I'm not really sure why this is being brought to the surface now, but I'm sure God has a plan for my family. 

Weeping may endure for a night, But joy comes in the morning. Psalm 30:5.

Computer Challenged

If there's any time in my life I feel stupid, it's when I try to do anything on the computer.  Other than turn it on and make it work, that is.  I just spent over an hour copying pics from my old laptop to my new laptop so I can give the old laptop to my grandchildren.  Even writing the sentence sounds conglomerated, doesn't it?  If it weren't for Joel sitting next to me and directing me through the process, I never would have gotten it done.

Why is this?  I'm a smart person otherwise, but when it comes to doing "new" (to me) things on the computer, I get tense and feel stupid.  I know it isn't because Joel is helping me; we've always been who we are to one another and there's no need for pretense.  Where are these voices coming from, anyway?

Now that everything is done, I feel better.  I can bring the computer to my daughter's house and feel confident I have everything I need from it.  I'm glad the kids will be able to use it.  I'm hoping they use it for homework, but more than likely there will be more games on it than anything else.  Still, it's nice when I can do something to improve their lives.  With eleven grandchildren and one great-granddaughter, that's a tad challenging!

Kindle Troubles

I was having some problems adding new books from Amazon to my Kindle, so I did what any red-blooded reader would do.  I de-registered and registered it again.  I can be so lame sometimes.  I mean, what would I do without books to read?  Come to find out, when you do that, all the 199 books I had on my Kindle were wiped out.  I hesitate to use the word "devastate", as I try to reserve that for tornadoes, earthquakes and such, but I was upset. 

When I woke up this morning and checked my Kindle, I found all my books were back on there.  Oh, happy day!  I can go to work with a smile in my heart again.

I really am an avid bookworm, aren't I?  Either that or a big dork.  At least I can read.

It Just Keeps Getting Better

I knew I would enjoy being married again.  I always thought I was meant for marriage.  I just didn't find the right one until Joel.  He is so good to me.

Like this morning, for instance.  I got up and noticed a big box sitting in the middle of the floor.  Joel told me a couple days ago there would be a package coming, a surprise for me.  I figured this package was that surprise.  But then, Joel gets a lot of packages in the mail, so I waited.  He handed me a knife to open the box.  Woo hoo!  It was for me this time.  Little did I know.

I opened the box and saw the words "The PC is Personal Again" and knew right away it was a laptop.  Wow!  I had figured I'd have to wait until I saved up enough money to get another laptop.  There wasn't anything horribly wrong with the one I had, but it was at least 3 years old.  Everyone knows computers become dinosaurs very quickly and I had come to the point where I almost named mine Dino.

This doesn't mean I love Joel more for buying me a laptop.  It could have been anything in that box and I would've been happy.  BUT A LAPTOP???  He surprises me all the time.  All I had to do was believe I was worthy of a good man and God supplied the rest.

I love Joel, I love his family, and I love our life together.  It doesn't get any better than this.

Joel's family came over to help him put up a shed.  All the guys were putting up the shed and food just kept appearing from the women.  It was so nice.  The day was beautiful, the shed got put up, and everyone had their fill of food.  I couldn't have asked for a better family to marry into.

I had to leave early to go to work (double time for the holiday), but the time I did share with nieces and nephews, sister-in-law, mother-in-law, and kids was so much fun.

I always had dreams of this type of thing...only it would be my family coming for the big bunch of food and fun.  I'm still hoping it can happen someday.  My family is fractured, but even serious breaks can heal. 

Love covers a multitude of sins...or so the Bible says.  I hope the hurts my children experienced in their lives can be healed.  I cover each one with God's love and mercy.

Questions with No Answers

The weekends go by so quickly.  Too quickly.  Wasn't it just minutes ago that I told myself "oh, good...it's Friday night and I have two days off"?  Why can't the weekdays pass that fast?

I sometimes wonder if I could get by on disability.  The fibromyalgia and degenerative disk disease is making it harder and harder to do the work I'm supposed to be doing.  I can't stand for more than 5 or 10 minutes at a time before my back feels like a brick is pressing down on my spine.  My meds make me sleepy and the fibromyalgia does crazy things to my concentration.  Is it fair to the consumers who count on me to get things done?  Is it fair to me to put my body through things that make it hurt so much?

Why can't I just wake up and feel normal for once?

Lots of questions with no answers.  I know Jesus bore my pain on the cross, so why do I still hurt?  Am I reaping what I've sowed?  Do I need to change the way I speak about my body and how it feels?

Faith is a funny thing sometimes.  I can have faith to move mountains for other people, but when I need to have faith for myself, I struggle.  I pray and know that God hears me.  Am I praying wrong?  Am I praying for the wrong things or for the wrong reasons?  Should I even be praying for myself?  Shouldn't I be putting others before myself?

I wish I knew.

Thank You, Lord Jesus

Sometimes I have a hard time comprehending all that Jesus did for me.  Have we become this complacent to Him?  Maybe it's just me.  I need some shock therapy of sorts...maybe even a kick in the pants to get me going again.

He is everything and I am nothing without Him.  Of course, that means that I am everything with Him, right?  I am everything He is.  I don't always allow myself to become like Him.  What does that mean, anyway?  How can I become like Jesus when I am as imperfect as I am? 

I raised children, but there were many times I made mistakes with them, some of which are hard for my children to understand or forgive.  I am a new wife and just learning again what it means to put others before myself.  I pray before work, but judging by all the errors that have been made this past week, it's like I left Him standing outside the door while I went in without Him.

How do I change this around?  I read all the time...good, Christian living books that should be helping me, but it seems as if there's something blocking the wisdom from getting to me.  Is there unrepented sin in my life?  Is there something I should be doing that I'm not?  Please!  I really want to know!

Until then, I continue to thank Jesus for dying for me, for taking on my sinful nature, for forgiving me, for giving me life.  I will continue to read the Word, pray, and do my best to apply the things I've learned to my life.

Maybe that's the answer.  Maybe I should just let go of all the issues I have and all the worries that haunt me and give them all to God.  He has always been able to turn things around for me and there's no limit to how many problems He can handle.

So tonight I pray for my children and their families, for my husband, for my friends, and for my work.  I leave them all at the feet of Jesus and He will lift them up at the appointed time.  I need to get out of His way to enable Him to do what needs to be done.

I pray for you, too, dear reader.  I appreciate all of you for taking this journey with me and giving me helpful advice and wise counsel when I need it.

I rest until another day.

So Many Changes

There have been so many changes at work lately.  We have new staff (me and another guy are the only two originals left), new med sheets, new rules, new management.  Today I had my med certification pulled because there was a screw up on the meds.  I take full responsibility and have no excuse.  Now I have to take another med certification class and be recertified in passing meds.  I'm a smart woman...I just made a couple mistakes.  With meds, that's pretty serious.

I feel like a fool.  Now I have to find other staff to give meds because I'm not allowed to give them.  I need to get my focus back.  I really do love my job and it's a good thing I wasn't fired...I could have been.  I think I need to go back to the beginning and be very vigilant again.  It's easy to get complacent when you've been there awhile.

Home is wonderful.  I love being married.  I love the fact that there is one person in the world who will always be there for me, who sets me straight if I'm going the wrong direction, and who loves me despite myself.  Joel is the perfect man for me...the one I've been praying about for years.

I have found out a few things about myself in this marriage; things I need to work on.  One of those things is finding ways to be a help to Joel.  He had a document that needed to be mailed yesterday, so I put it in the mailbox (across the road from our house) for him on the way to work.  I get things for him when he's working on the computer so he can keep his focus.  It's really all the little things that are fun to figure out.  When I was single, I only had to worry about me.  Some of that still comes out. but it's getting better.

My favorite thing is when we go to bed and he puts his feet against mine.  His feet are always warm and mine are cold.  He a touchy-feely type guy and so am I (in private), so that works out quite nicely.I feel safe knowing he's next to me.  It's such a nice feeling.

Making tortillas for him now, so will chat later.

I don't think I should be writing tonight.  I'm so angry right now!  My precious granddaughter just stopped by here, sobbing hysterically, because her piece of crap maggot boyfriend punched her in the eye.  Again.  This is not the first time.  Somebody needs to teach that boy a lesson.  Not only that, but when they were on the freeway, he swerved the car with their baby in the back seat!

How much do I have to hear about before I do something.  Oh, don't get me wrong.  I believe in "vengeance is mine, sayeth the Lord", but I can't stand to see my granddaughter hurting like this.  I know what it's like because I was in an abusive relationship and it's difficult to leave.  You always hope for the best and believe the lies.  But now I'm on the other side of that coin.

It's always more difficult when the heart is involved.

Another Amazing Day in the Life of

I don't cook. 

I know this is probably a disappointment to my wonderful husband, but I just don't see the point of it when you can pop something in the microwave or have something stewing in a crock pot.  Besides, our schedules are such that finding time for a real meal is difficult.  We stay up horrendously late and sleep in in the morning.  Then we're both getting ready for work and off we go!

I think the biggest "problem" (if this is a problem; Joel never complains) is that Joel and I were both alone for so long that we fended for ourselves.  Now that we're together, it's one of those things that have filtered out into our everyday life.

Would I like to cook?  I would like to please Joel in making a "real" meal and serving it to him, wifely-style.  Having fibromyalgia puts a damper on spending hours standing in the kitchen, so we're back to the microwave.  Ah well.  It's a darn good think he loves me, that's all I've got to say.

Fibromyalgia.  Now there's a fun syndrome.  It takes all I have to get out of bed in the morning, only to find my muscles all cramped up.  I  look like a 90-yr-old cronie making my way to the bathroom.  I pray everyday that I'll make it and not pee all over myself.  (Just kidding...that has never happened...the day it does, the Depends come out!)  I never feel like I've gotten enough sleep.  My mouth doesn't want to say what my mind is thinking.  And I forget more than I remember.  I hurt all over all the time.  Because this syndrome isn't easily understood and isn't an outward thing, people can't understand why you can't keep up with them in doing everyday things.  Working is a challenge because I'm on my feet a lot and give showers to three consumers...all I can say is IT HURTS!  I also have degenerative disk disease, which adds to the fun.

But I'm here and I must deal with the life I have.  I am humbled and grateful for God's grace in my life.  We were never promised an easy life with no pain, but we ARE promised that Jesus will never leave us.  And as difficult as I think my challenges are, there are those who have it much worse than I have.

So I am done with my rant.  I have enough time to veg a little before work and that's exactly what I'm going to do.

Finally!

A day off tomorrow, which makes tonight even sweeter.  Not that I'm going to stay up later than I normally do, but I don't have to go anywhere tomorrow if I don't want to.  At this point of the game, I don't want to.

It's been kind of a tough week.  It occurred to me yesterday that as much as we (the staff) don't like changes, the consumers don't like it, either.  Behaviors will reflect that in them.  After this mind-boggling revelation (ahem), things got better.  I put myself in the consumer's shoes and tried to see things from their perspective.  As soon as I did that, everything fell into place.  I didn't want to run screaming from the building, anyway.

Home is always a sweet place to be.  Even if Joel is sitting at the other end of the couch occupying his time with the newest app on his Droid 3, we're together.  He actually is perfect for me because I like to read from my Kindle on my side of the couch.  We both have our "alone" obsessions, but we're together when we do them.  Does that make sense?

I think this is one of the many reasons we're going to be together forever.  We truly understand one another.

For some reason, work seems to be going to "hell in a hand-basket", as they say.  It all started about a year ago when our Program Director was fired.  Then it was one of our Direct Service Providers who was fired.  Many of our DSPs have left us, our Program Coordinator, who I got along with really well, left for another home, and our new Program Director is due to give birth in less than a month.  We have an interim nurse, who is gone more than she's there, and everything is falling into the hands of the three people left in the office.  Nobody knows what's going on or who is responsible for what, yet we're supposed to just figure it out.  The company has hired a Program Coordinator who was working in one of our other homes, but she's 19 years old!!!  What experience could she possibly bring us?

I don't mean to sound so negative about work.  I like my job.  I like the fact that the consumers like me (most of the time, anyway).  I don't necessarily want to find a different job.  I just want the one I have to work as it always has.

Isn't that the same with most parts of our lives?  We don't take to change very well.  It may well be a blessing in disguise.  It may be the best thing to happen to us.  Yet we balk and complain (as I was just doing).

I will try to be positive.  I will try to find the bigger picture in all this mess and thank God for the opportunity to grow.  I will take many deep breaths throughout the day and pray for wisdom and guidance.  (I may be taking a lot of deep breaths!)

If you think of it, pray for me.  Pray for this business.  And pray that godly men and women will be taking the positions that are unfilled.  It would be such a pleasure to work with all Christians.

I'm tired and going to bed.  Tomorrow is another day.  (Thank God!)

 Tuesday, August 23, 2011
(Meditation: Proverbs 3:5-6)
God, many times I want You to be on MY team. I want You to help MY will to be done. I want You to run interference, but I want to call the plays. God, forgive me for being in the wrong ball park. YOU call the signals. YOUR will be done in my life, as it is in heaven. In Jesus' name. Amen.

My day started out okay.  For one thing, I thought I was supposed to work 1 - 8:30 with the ladies.  When I got to work, found out I was actually going to be working with the new Program Coordinator and helping to train her (since I'm not a PC, not sure how that was supposed to work), AND I was working until 10:30.  Ok.  I can deal with that. 

I had previous plans with one of the consumers to go to Faribault to visit her dad's grave and out to eat at A & W.  I made sure all the meds were passed.  I made sure the new employee had supper figured out.  Very simple.  Put it in the oven and heat it up.  All she really had to do was spend some time with the consumers and get to know them.  She had a daily schedule to work with, but all the programs had been taken care of.

Too simple.  One of the male consumers, who is very attached to me, ran off to the grocery store and pushed carts around.  He was mad that I wasn't there and he doesn't do well with new people.  These past few weeks have been very tough on him because we've had so many staff changes.  I can't even begin to think of how much stress and sadness he's dealing with.  I should have known better than to leave the house, leaving him behind.  Upper management became involved, who went to pick up the straying consumer.

I came back to a hideous mess.  Everyone was in an uproar because I left the new employee alone, even though all she really had to do was sit with the consumers and get to know them.  Read their profiles.  Heat up supper.  But a large part of me knew I was in the wrong when I think about it from her perspective.  I apologized to her and let her know she would get all the support she needed during this transitional time.

And now I have a new responsibility...to do all the grocery shopping for the house.  Oh joy.  I do like shopping, especially when using other people's money, but when would be the best time to do this?  Should I take a consumer with me?

So I am not going into work again without God's wisdom and grace.  The drive into work is the best time to pray and ask for His help.  And He knows I need His help.  All the time.

Deep breath.  Today is over and I am safely home.  My peaceful place.

Most Assuredly Blessed,
Me

Visit with the Family

Today my grandson had a party for his 5th birthday.  Since when did he become 5, anyway?  That one really snuck up on me.

Anyway, a lot of my family was there and I had a genuinely good time.  My daughter, who asked for space, and I were chatting about things as if there was nothing negative between us.  Maybe it's because I didn't bring up any issues and just enjoyed the day.  Maybe it's because I didn't force her hand.  It was very nice...I actually didn't want to leave.

This precious little redhead is one of my granddaughters.  Irish blood lines...can you tell?  She's like a little wood nymph or a fairy...tiny and adorable.

And then there's the birthday boy (did I mention that he's 5 now?), squinting in the sun. 

He also told me he's starting kindergarten in just a few days.  Oh my.  Wasn't it just yesterday that he was a baby?  Why do the years fly by the older I get?  It's like I'm on the downward slide of the roller coaster!


Most Assuredly Blessed,
Me

I was looking up prayers on ways to win your husband over to Christ (mine wants to believe, but is the "Doubting Thomas" variety who has to see before he believes) and ended up reading an article on how to be submissive:

1 PETER 3 v 1- 2 Wives, in the same way be submissive to your husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives, when they see the purity and reverence of your lives. NIV
Or
1 PETER 3v 1- 2 Likewise, ye wives, be in subjection to your own husbands; that, if any obey not the word, they also may without the word be won by the conversation of the wives; while they behold your chaste conversation coupled with fear. KJV

Well, I learned something precious in this.  Not so much the submissive part...there's a lot of insight into this that I need first...but that I'm not here to change anyone else.  God is the only One who can change any of us, anyway.  All I can do is pray and live the life before my husband that Christ wants me to live.  Live it so my husband sees that you can be human, make mistakes, fall, and still be a Christian.  Live it so he wants the same thing/Person as I have.  Makes me think twice about some of the things I do or don't do.

You see, I haven't been to church in a long time.  I even read a book about not wanting to go to church anymore.  I thought it would be ok to just read the Word, which is on my Kindle, pray, and live the best I know how to live.  Come to find out, there isn't ever going to be the perfect church this side of heaven and we need one another.  I have gifts and talents that are being unused because I'm not fellowshipping with other believers and there are those out there who I need in my life.  We're a family and I've been absent from the dinner table.  Oh, how I need to be fed!

So, church it is.  And a lesson in humility.  All in one day.  Imagine that.  I CAN be teachable!  lol  I have a peace in my heart these days and I know it's because God is so near.  As near as my whispering voice in His ear. 


Most Assuredly Blessed,
Me

Wouldn't life be easier if we could pick and chose our families?  I also think it's strange that we treat people we barely know much better than our own families.  Maybe it's because the familiarity is there.  Maybe because we know that in the end, love will win out.  I can't say this enough...I wish I could go back to the past and change things.  I didn't know at the time I was a strong woman and that someday I would be happy again.

But enough about that.  I promised my beloved daughter I would give her space and I think part of that means not talking about this issue right now.

I did get a text from my daughter earlier today to tell me that my former father-in-law passed away.  I feel badly for the family; not so sure how it affects me personally.  It did make me realize, once again, how short life can be and we should make the most of every moment.  A huge cliche, but very true nonetheless.

I have a very unique opportunity to make things right again and I'm not about to ruin it with any selfish thought I might have.

So I will talk about how much I'm loving being married.  Every chance I get I throw the word "husband" about and found out this evening Joel has been doing the same things.  (Huge smile)  I've been single since 1990 and with each passing year, gave a little of that hope away that I would ever find someone who loved me as much as I loved him.  God, you amaze me everyday!  And not to be crude or anything, but running around naked with each other makes me feel a little naughty and a little innocent at the same time.  Like we're a couple kids having fun with the joys of marriage and being ok with all of it.  Hard to explain.  Anyone reading this who is married will understand (I hope).

One thing I was reading today was about Adam and Eve and how they shared fellowship with God in the Garden before the Fall.  It reminds me of how I am with God when I feel my life is right with Him.  When I've messed up (and that's usually big time), I run from Him.  Just like Adam and Eve did once they ate of the forbidden fruit.  They knew their relationship had changed drastically with God and they ran from Him.  I've done the same.

But now, I'm having fun.  Sometimes I feel like we're a couple kids newly married and discovering just exactly what fun sex can be.  At my age?  Why not!


Most Assuredly Blessed,
Me

A New Day

I woke up to sunshine and upper 80 degrees.  In this air conditioned home it's misleading because I think it's nice out.  When I get in my car with no A/C, I will know the truth.  In this case, the truth will NOT set me free!  I will be roasting alive in that vehicle for an entire ten minutes and that makes for a very cranky Val!  I hate sweating; therefore, gyms and workouts are out for me as well.  :-)

I've had a weekend off and it's back to work for me.  I'm fine once I get there.  The work itself isn't bad and I love joking around with the guys I work with.  The latest thing is throwing a towel back and forth with J.L. - he laughs so hard at that, especially if the towel hits him in the face or when he actually catches the towel.  R. B. might get in the action once in a while, but most of the time, he's telling us to stop fighting.

It sounds chaotic, but little things that make these guys laugh makes the day go by so much faster.  I'm hoping and praying I don't have to shower J.L., though, because that always makes my back go into spasms.  (I talk like an old lady.)  It will be very nice when he'll be able to do these things by himself again.

The Divine Speaks

"If you truly want peace, you must disengage yourself from all conflict. You can't want someone to change or do something different. You have to want the peace and you have to disengage. Then there will be peace in every situation you encounter."

I read this today on a Facebook page entitled "The Divine Speaks".  It couldn't have come at a more appropriate time in my life.  God knows the difficulties I'm having in honoring my daughter's request to give her space.  God knows the reason why she needs the space.  Reading this gave me the permission I was looking for.

It's so difficult  for me to "leave my children alone".  They've been in my daily life for so long, especially this particular daughter, that it feels foreign and unreal to me.  It just hurts.  I am close to tears at any given moment, but I fight the urge and pray instead.  I've been disconnected and I've never been one to let go that easily.  But I will do it if this is what she needs from me right now.  I love her and I know she loves me, but we are going through an obstacle in our relationship where distance is almost necessary.

In trying not to focus on this issue, I find myself obsessing about it instead.  Just try to tell yourself not to think about something.  That's the first place your mind goes.  I'm sorry, daughter.  I really am trying.


Most Assuredly Blessed,
Me

Loving my Kindle

 I am going to go read something from my Kindle now.  Not sure which book I'll focus on (I have several going at once), but will know when I get there.  I let the Holy Spirit guide me these days.  If I followed my own heart, I would be trampling on others as well as myself.  That isn't love.  So bear with me as I learn on the journey of mine what I should share with others and what I should be silent about.  I'm also figuring out my reason for being.  I know...sounds a little "out there", but if I don't figure myself out, I won't be any help to anyone else.  And I so want to be a blessing to others, not a curse.  I've done things wrong for too long now and I'm willing to do whatever it takes to change.  That change begins with me.

Most Assuredly Blessed,
Me

I read this when I came home from someone else's blog; I hope they don't mind me using it, but it certainly applies to my situation right now.

"We have to pray with our eyes on God, not on the difficulties." 

It's something I was just thinking as I was driving home.  I can't count on what I am seeing to be the truth...Jesus said He was the truth.  Am I going to believe anyone else?  NO!  This is a test of my faith and I must persevere to the end.  There is a huge blessing at the end of this trial and I am thanking God for it now, even before I see the results of it.

I just need to have a new perspective, a new way of looking at things.  If I look at them my way, I would crumble and fall.  My heart really does ache.  But, if I look at things through God's eternal perspective, I have hope.  I can evaluate what is important in God's eyes.  He knows the future and the end of the story.  He knows what is going to happen and I don't...who do I trust more? 

I'm so glad He is my Everything.  To whom would I go otherwise?   There are some things I haven't shared with my husband in order to protect members of my family, and this only for my love for them.  (Love covers a multitude of sins, right?)  I wouldn't burden my best friend with all this because he's up to his eyebrows in issues of his own.  If I didn't have God in my life, I would probably be like the multitudes of people out there who are unhappy, unsatisfied, lost, and alone.  I am never alone and for that, I am thankful. 

So, thank you to whoever wrote this on their blog because God used you in a big way this evening.  If God led you to write that, then you've helped me tremendously.  Maybe it was meant just for me.  I will ask God to bless you mightily for being obedient.

Most assuredly blessed,

Me 

A Lovely Day, if I Do Say So Myself

Have you ever had one of those days when it would've been better if you stayed in bed?  Today was definitely one of those days. 

First of all, I wake up with a rattling in my chest and a cough that, when it starts, doesn't want to end.

Secondly, I get to work and got side-blinded with 100 things (well, not literally) from our interim nurse.  It was kind of like that the rest of the day, too.  A huge poop-fest in the apartment I wasn't in, thank God, but my guy had to be changed three times because he waited too long to go to the bathroom.  I really hate the smell of urine.  Huge headache by the time the night staff came in.

Then, just as I pulled up to our mailbox to collect today's "bounty", big plops of rain started to fall, fast and furious.  I was soaked by the time I reached the mailbox (which was right in front of my car) and all it contained was a stupid ad for auto insurance.

I don't believe in horoscopes, but I just wonder what mine read for today. 

Almost afraid to write a post in here anymore.

Noise bothers me today.  Every noise.  If I could fine a quiet, dark cubby hole, I would crawl into it.  It's a beautiful day and I am alone. 
I just don't have any answers for anyone and I'm too tired to try.  The pain in my heart is intense.  There's nothing I can do to change things. 

It's as if I never gave birth to her, never held her in my arms, never wiped away her tears.  Those black days clouded our love and for some reason, it is not going away.  She has her version and I have mine...both of them very real in our own hearts. 

Which version is truth if both of us have different versions?  What if she decides to disengage herself from me altogether?  She doesn't even believe me when I tell her I love her.  Words don't mean anything to her right now.

I think our personalities are too different and we need help to connect.

I'm at a loss for words.  It's a sad reality knowing that I may not have the trust and love of my children any longer.  My stupid way of looking at life and problems has always been to bury my head in the sand and not face life head on.  It's coming back to bite me in the a$$ now and I don't know how to fix it.

It seems impossible.

Towards Healing

A friend suggested I list some of the things I enjoy doing instead of dwelling on things I have no control over.  She also suggested I do some of these things.  I'm a great list-maker, but a doer?  Not so much.  I'm going to give it a shot, though, and see what happens.

1.  I like to ride bike from Morehouse Park to Lake Kohlmeir and back again.
2.  I like to sit in the shade at Lake Kohlmeir and read from my Kindle.
3.  I like taking pictures of places that mean something personal to me.  Maybe I could do a picture story of my life.  How fun would that be?
4.  I love camping every year with my best friend, Bruce, and his son, Bruce.  We have such a good time relaxing and playing Scrabble.
5.  I like having "ME" time when I read or write.
6.  I love being a wife again...this time to a man who is everything I've ever wanted in a partner.
7.  I love my Kindle.  It's funny because I never thought I'd like having an e-reader.  The Kindle is amazingly like reading a hard-cover or otherwise bound book, so I've been converted.
8.  I'd like to go back to church again.  The one across from the hospital is close to where I live.  I have no excuses for this one.

It's kind of a lame list, I know, but maybe as I begin doing these things, other "likes" will come to mind.  Apparently, this is an opportunity for me to figure myself out.  I will work things out with my children when the right time comes.

My children are dealing with some heavy childhood issues right now.  They don't understand me and maybe never will.  I have to accept that and respect their decisions.  What is most hard about this process is knowing I can't change anything for them.  I can't rewrite history, even though I would desperately like to.  Isn't that something we'd all like to do?  Get a do over for our lives so we can make better choices?  I think so.

I sometimes wonder if I'm the woman God created me to be.  Flaws and bad childhoods and sad memories and all.  Who would I be if I gave total control over to God?  I may not be able to change the past, but the future is a blank slate.  Am I able to "let go and let God"?  I believe God gave me a passion and a gift for something.  I just have to let go of my own selfishness and give myself over to God and I will find out what that passion and gift is.

As for my children, I love them with all my heart.  I always have and always will.  They can tell me they don't want me in their life right now and it doesn't diminish my love for them.  Nothing will separate me from loving them.

I know I'm never going to please everybody, so why do I continue to try?  I'm trying not to dwell on this issue, but it's too fresh in my mind.  I have to mull it over in my mind until it is gone.  Finished.  Settled.

Why do certain people expect so much from me?  If I turn left, they complain that I didn't turn right.  Not inviting people to my wedding (which was supposed to be just the witnesses and Joel and I), for instance.  It turned into being a hurt fest because other people wanted to be there.  I never intended to hurt anyone.  Yet the blame falls on me.  I should have said this or I should have done that. 

When I told my children that I was getting married, there was no 'congratulations', no wishes for happiness, no 'I'm happy for you, Mom' comments.  There just was no interest there, so why should they be hurt that they weren't specifically asked to be at the ceremony? 

Yes, I left a message on one of my daughter's phone.  She never answers the phone if she's home alone, so what choice did I have?  She never called me back, either, even though I asked her to.  Yes, I texted my other children...not one word back except for my son.  I could be upset about that, too, if I wanted to be.

It's so hard to know what to do anymore.  I'm getting discouraged about my fractured family.  I truly need some bolstering and words of encouragement.  I'm not even sure my children think of me or concern themselves with me, anymore.  I've received no phone calls or replies to texts.  I tell them I love them...silence in return.

What are my children doing in their own lives that my grandchildren will resent them for in years to come?  Have they ever considered that all parents make mistakes?  Why is all this rage directed at me all of a sudden?  They've had years to talk to me about these issues and never said a word.

I've apologized.  I've tried to explain.  I tell myself to leave it alone and let God work out the details, but what do I do in the meantime?  I'm not supposed to let my heart be troubled, but these are my children. 


It's difficult for me to move on with my life with this always on my mind.

. 

Why I Love My Husband

Before I say another word, I just have to say I love saying the word "husband".  It's so unexpected and fun.  Never thought it would happen, but here we are.

Reasons I Love My Husband:

1.  He's laid back and relaxed
2.  He loves surprising me with little things
3.  We love the same things
4.  We think alike (all the time...a little creepy, but I like it)
5.  He's so cute!
6.  He puts his feet on mine when I tell him my feet are cold
7.  Because he loves me, too
8.  He understands me, even if I don't always understand myself sometimes

There are so many reasons I love Joel.  It's the little things that count (how many times have you heard that?) and he does a lot of little things to make me happy.  I feel like the luckiest woman on earth.  Why didn't we ever think of each other before this?

Doesn't matter.  We're here now and now is all that matters.

Hoping and Praying

I've been told to just pray for the situation I'm in with my family and leave it be.  They will come around when they're ready to talk and I should just give them the space they need.

Easier said than done.  Why is it so much easier to have faith for others than it is for yourself?  It isn't that I doubt God's ability to change lives, heal hearts, and bring families together again.  I've never really had a problem with that. 

I so love my family.  I really do.  Maybe I have a hard time with showing love, but it's still there.  I'm not sure what my role is in my adult children's lives.   

I miss the relationships I had with them.  It's going to take some time for them to process all this.  I have to give them that, but it's very difficult for me.  It's like every little problem is just under the surface, brewing and making me think things that may or may not be there.  I want to force the issue, but that isn't how it's going to work. 

Good thing I have this venue to vent to.  It's almost like a prayer on paper.

Deep breaths.  Pray.  Meditate on God's Word.  It will be okay.

I Am So Done With This Day!

First, I get a phone call from work telling me I missed signing for some meds last night and I have until tonight to get in and sign them, or I'll get a med error.  So, off I go, to the office on my day off, to do the required signatures.

Then I figured since I was out, I'd go change my license to reflect my recent name change.  Of course it was across town, but still, no problem.  I get there and they only take cash.

Across the street is a bank with an ATM.  It's my lucky day!  The bank ATM would not take my credit card.  Went a couple blocks to the Walgreens to use their ATM (which costs $3, but I'm in a hurry).  No problem.

Got back to the license bureau, thinking I was all set.  I get to the counter and they need a copy of my marriage certificate.  Ha!  No problem...I have a copy with me.  But they don't want a copy, they want the original.  Which is, of course, at home.  It was 4:05 pm and the license bureau is only open until 4:15 pm. 

I'll have to do this another day.  After wrangling with the over-the-door shoe rack and running into the office, my stress level needs a little break. 

Home is my soft spot...my sweet, peace place.

NOW I Know Why I Got Married!

I purchased one of those shoe racks that hang over the door.  'Easy', I thought.  'I can do this', I thought.  The box said it would take 15 minutes to put the rack together.

There's something wrong with hand tools.  They don't work for me.  Everyone else on the planet can use a screw driver and follow directions with a picture for each step.  When I get a tool in my hand, all of a sudden the picture of the directions get all backwards or something.

15 minutes...HA!

Plus, I'm sweating, which is something I don't do.

Yes, I did get the stupid thing hung and all my shoes are neatly placed on it.  Are the shoes supposed to hang with the bottoms exposed?  If not, they're going to stay that way, anyway.

Stupid tools.

A Letter to My Children

Dearest "You Know Who You Are",

I have a series of regrets in my life, but not being the mom you needed me to be when your step-father was sent to prison is the biggest regret I have.  It doesn't matter that my world was crumbling.  It doesn't matter that I was an abused wife and didn't have the self-esteem of an earthworm.  It didn't matter that I had no clue what I was going to do.

What mattered was that you were children and you needed me.  You needed me to be strong.  You needed me to fight for you.  You needed me to love you and hold you and tell you how wonderful you were, how we were going to get through this.

I put too much on your shoulders, my children.  At the time, I didn't even know half of what we going on in my household.  Even that isn't a good excuse for not being the mother you needed me to be.

I'm sorry.  I'm very sorry.  I love each and every one of you and think you are amazing adults, despite the hardships you faced in your life.  You didn't deserve it.  You weren't put on this earth to withstand it.

Oh, how I wish I could go back.  I would change so many things.  I would hug you more.  I would read with you more.  I would forget about myself and give you what you needed more.

My prayer now is that you forgive me.

Mom

Oh, the Perils I Face!

Tonight at work, it was Park and Recreation night, where all the REM houses get together and do an activity together.  Tonight I had two of the consumers with me and we were going to make scrambled eggs in a bag.  (Very handy for camping.  Just crack two eggs into a zip lock bag, add cheese, meat, onions, whatever you like in your omelet, and put it in boiling water until done.)  Everything was going fine (which should have been a warning for me) until I was taking one of the consumers over to the grill to cook her omelet.  She tripped on an uneven part of the concrete, bruising one of her knees and scraping the other one pretty badly.  Thankfully, someone had the foresight to put a first aid kit in her car and we took care of the wound.  Poor girl just wanted her flippin' omelet and she gets side winded by a piece of concrete.  I just don't understand why they like going to these things.  I think it's mostly about the food they get.  We also made s'mores, so that helped her owies immensely.

The rest of the night I'm going to rest, relax, and do some reading, I think.  It's so nice to have a night where I don't have to do anything.  I certainly need that with fibromyalgia...it's really screaming its' ugly head tonight.  It's hard to even get up off the couch and moving is very slow and steady.  But that's life, isn't it?  This may just be the thorn in my side that one of the disciples had and God wouldn't take it away from him.  (RK, who was that?)

May God grant you peace and love this night and always.

Marriage So Far

I didn't think getting married would change anything, but it did.  I feel more connected to Joel and it's almost as good as it was in the beginning of our relationship.  We made a commitment to one another in front of God and our witnesses; it's permanent and that makes me happy.  I think the change is in my heart.  I have God's favor again and I can stop feeling guilty about us living together before we got married.

I know to some of you, this sounds ridiculous.  I'm 53 and Joel is 44.  We're both old enough to have made such a decision.  But it actually did bother me that I wasn't living my life as God would have me live it.  Now I'm reading books on being a good wife.  (Any suggestions?)

A Snippet From my Day

I've been a little negative lately, focusing on something only God can fix.  I thought I would write about something positive.

I wrote this at work during a quiet period.  One of the three consumers I work for is in bed and the other two ore watching TV.  I can't complain.  At times it gets a little hectic and stressful, but nothing I can't handle.  Just a little while ago, on the the three consumers from the other apartment came looking for me.  Normally that would be fine, but this time she was stark naked!  I'm used to it, but it sent on of my guys over the edge.  He couldn't stop laughing over what he saw!  You really have to be ready for anything around there!

I do love my job.  We're having some professional staff changes right now and it's a little confusing over who is supposed to be doing what, but we'll be fine.

More Woes

I definitely feel like I'm "reaping what I sowed" with my children.  I used to ignore my mother, roll my eyes at things she had to say, not talk to her for days (until I needed something), and was hateful toward her sometimes.  Now that she's gone, I would take all that back in a heartbeat.  I would hug her, tell her how much I loved her, and spend time with her.  But I can't.  And there will be a day when my children won't have those opportunities with me.

I'm not saying they shouldn't be angry.  Some serious things happened to them when they were children.  It seems to me that they are angry at the wrong person, though.  Maybe I should have handled things differently at the time my ex-husband left for prison, but I was reeling from the tornado that was our lives at the time, too.

I'm not saying I'm blameless.  I was the adult and I should have been stronger and more supportive of what my children were going through.  But I wasn't.  My life was changing dramatically and there were a lot of "what am I going to do now?" thoughts and feelings.  That life change was forced upon me and I had to coordinate all the changes at once.  I am sorry I didn't pay more attention to my children and what they were going through, but Steve did such a fine job of taking away all my respect, my children wouldn't have accepted my assistance, anyway.

Really, I'm not making excuses.  These are the cold, hard facts.  At least from my perspective.  My children each have their own version and their own story.

I wish with all my might that I could take it all back.  To go back to that day (February 1, 1990) and change everything.  Not the part where Steve left, but for me to be a stronger mom for my children.  My world fell apart that day.  Again, not so much that Steve left, but because I truly didn't know what I was going to do.  I was a stay-at-home mom, so I had to worry about how we were going to live.  We had just bought a new mobile home, so that would probably have to go (which it did)...where were we going to live?  My own sense of betrayal and anger was clouding my thoughts.

I wish my children could give me a little slack.  I hate when they're angry at me.  I am always apologizing to them, even when it isn't warranted.

I'm tired of this conversation.

My Parenting Woes

I am the first to admit I wasn't good at raising my children.  I made many mistakes and showed poor judgment as a mother.  There are deep wounds that will only take a miracle to fix.  I believe in the power of God through Jesus Christ, and even this can be healed.  My family will be together again.  (Sweet shall be the peace of my children...the Bible says it and I believe it.)

In the present, though, my family is fractured and I don't know what to do about it.  It doesn't help to remind them of my own fractured life and that's part of the reason I didn't know how to take care of them.  As a matter of fact, I didn't know how to take care of myself.  This made for a very poor childhood for my children.

Having a husband who beat me and verbally abused me to the point of not having any self-respect or confidence surely didn't help.  I was a scared, timid, and beat-down person.  How can I explain to my children how horrible my so-called existence was?  I didn't make a move without Steve knowing about it.  I was a non-person, incapable of making my own decisions.  Everything that was normal was pretty much sucked out of my by the time Steve went to prison.

I wish I could say it was different.  I would've done anything to have even a modicum of normalcy in our lives.  My children were fighting demons of their own and I wasn't there for them.  I was barely there for myself.  It was easier for me to just let them do whatever they wanted rather than set rules and enforce them.  I just didn't have it in me at the time to be a parent.

I'm pretty sure my children spent a lot of time laughing at me over how much they could get away with.  As a parent, I was a joke.  My children had absolutely no respect for me.  I had no respect for myself.  As difficult as it would've been to do, I should have gotten help - family counseling might have helped us to deal with everything we were dealing with...individually and as a family.  I was told that family counseling is too late now, but I don't believe that.  I think family counseling would be a very good idea, even if I was the only one going.

I do love my children.  They're all amazing and talented people, despite bad parenting on my part.  But, they do make mistakes that affect how their children view them and view life.  Maybe they've never made the same mistakes I did, but none of us are without sin.  And isn't making mistakes the same as sinning?  I think so.

I missed the mark.  I made serious mistakes that can't be reversed.  So, tell me, what do I do?  I don't want a fractured family anymore.  It's going to take time to earn their respect again, but I want to try.  I'm remorseful.  I've repented.  I've asked for forgiveness.  I'm at a loss as to what to do to make this better.

I have to believe that God is taking of this in His perfect timing.  I have to have enough faith to let this problem go.

I love you Billie, Jaci, Jeremy, and Stephanie...whatever love means.  I love the adults you've become, even with your flaws and mistakes.  I love you, even if you can't love me back.  I hope someday our lives will be better and we can be a family again.

Politics as Seen by a Non-Political Person

It's getting to be scary times in this country.  Money doesn't mean as much as it's supposed to, we have a president in love with himself more than he loves our country, health care sucks...I'm very frustrated about all of it.  I don't claim to understand politics, but I certainly don't understand what our president has done for this country.  I'm pretty sure the rest of the world is laughing their butts off over the decisions our president has made.  We're being told to conserve this and that, yet enormous bonuses are still being given to CEOs and other management people.  I've always said the Amish and those people who live as they do will be the only people who won't be affected by this.

As I've said, I don't know much about politics.  I do know our president loves to talk and give speeches.  He's very smooth and I can see why people could be deceived by him.  But seriously, all he is is talk, talk, and more talk.  And it's usually about how great he is and how everyone else is responsible for our country's woes.

That's all I'm going to say about that.

OUCH!

Ok, I'm going to have a little whine fest here.  If I stand, bend, or walk for more than 5 minutes, I end up with excruciating pain in my lower back that is only relieved by sitting down.  It feels like a huge rock pounding down steadily on my spine.

It's mostly fine at home because I can sit anytime I want to and I don't have a picky husband (I love saying husband...lol).  At work it's noticed the most because I have to assist people in the shower and help one of the guys get dressed.  It's getting more and more difficult to do these things.  After assisting in the shower, I end up sitting on the floor helping a consumer dress.  It's the only way I can do it. 

Soon I'll have insurance and can go to my doctor for all these things.  I just have to find a way to live my life as it is until then.

Prayers would definitely be appreciated!

Help Me Out

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Thanks!

Sophie, the Wonder Cat

Sophia has a great life.  She sleeps when she wants to, eats when she wants to, does her bodily functions when she wants to.  AND she gets to sit on Joel's lap at any time of day.

Funny thing about it is, she would never sit on anyone's lap but my own before Joel.  She's a traitor.  I know it's because Joel pets her.  He claims that when I'm not home, Sophie ignores him, but I have a sneaking suspicion they are pretty good pals all through the day.

Maybe we should let her at the squirrels in the attic.  If she still had her front claws, I might consider it.  As it is, though, she's quite content with eating an occasional moth or other bug that finds its way into the house.  EWWWW!!!  Stupid cat.  (Not really...she's very loved.)

She's part of the family.

Why can't laundry and lawn mowing do themselves?  I mean, we do it the same way every time; you'd think they would remember the process by now.  I want to sit and stare at my ring all day, not do menial tasks.  Ah, well.  Life goes on.  The grass gets longer and the laundry sits there, begging to be cleaned.  Welcome back to real life.


Joel and I are night owls.  We just love staying up until around 3:30 am, watching the TV shows we've recorded or doing our own things on the computers.  This means the day is half done...or at least we have a late start on it.  The funny thing is, I don't really care.  I love my life as it is and wouldn't trade a minute of it.

Joel is outside with a BB gun, trying to hit the squirrels that keep invading our attic.  He says he's never hit one, but the trying is fun.  I really should take a picture for posterity.  Maybe I'll take a whack at it.  Pretty sure I wouldn't be any better at it than Joel, but it would make me feel more like a country wife.

It's going to take me some time to get used to my new last name.  I think after I send off copies of my marriage certificate to all the appropriate places, I will have gotten used to it.  I was able to sign with my new name today, but I'll feel better once the driver's license and ssn cards have the correct name listed on them.

I keep looking at my hand, knowing that ring is going to be there forever.  I'm glad and am humbly grateful for my life right now.  It took a lot to get here.  My family is not all "together" right now and that hurts, but I've given it over to God.  He is the perfect Father and will take care of everything necessary to bring us together again.  I'm sure there are hurt feelings all around, but am confident God can take care of it.

Didn't do anything special today.  Shopped a little at Kohl's (thanks to a gift card for a wedding gift from my best friend), but didn't get much.  I'll have another shot at it tomorrow.  I'm looking at some high thread count sheets and will probably go back for those.  I can also shop online.  That's even better!

I'm off for the night...God bless all who read this.

My Wedding Day

It's early enough in the morning that no one else is up.  It gives me time to ponder on the fact that I am truly getting married today.  Just a short time ago, I was certain I was going to live out my days living at my dad's and going to work.  God brought Joel back into my life just at the right time and I am amazed by that. 

This day is something I've thought about for years and it is here.  I'm trying to cherish every moment, but because Joel and I really wanted a simple wedding, there really wasn't that much to do.  We aren't having a party.  We aren't having a reception.  Joel's niece made a beautiful wedding cake for us, but other than that, no food will be served.  Joel and I aren't going on a honeymoon; in fact, we're going to the movie "Rise of the Planet of the Apes" tonight.

But it's still my wedding day.  It's a very special day.  There are clouds about, threatening rain, but that doesn't matter to me.  The weather is being forecast as being partly cloudy and maybe God will honor us with some sunshine when the time comes.

I wonder if I will cry.  I've always figured this would be a perfect time for tearing up, but I rarely cry in front of others.  Actually, I hope it's very relaxed and mixed with laughter.  I want it to be fun and not stuffy.  I'm sure I'll be on here later to give an update and add pictures.

Happy Wedding Day to us!

It's happening, just as I knew it would.  I'm nervous.  Getting married is a very serious thing and shouldn't be done without a thorough examination of our hearts.  I know I'm ready to be Joel's wife.  I will be proud to be his wife and a part of his family.  I'm one of the lucky ones because I truly do love his family.

I'm sorry, folks, but this is the only thing I'm thinking about these days.

I don't have any random thoughts for today.  I sense an urgency for this day to be over so it can be tomorrow...MY WEDDING DAY!

Going to work now.  That will help keep my mind focused.  I hope.

Carry on, people.

Went to my monthly staff meeting this morning and got the feeling that no one believed adults can get Thrush.  My supervisor said "I didn't think anyone other than babies got Thrush."  Did they want to look inside my mouth to see the white lumps on my tongue and cheeks?  I hate feeling like a liar.

Still have the sore throat and everything tastes bitter.  My precious Diet Coke hurts because of the carbonation.  I know this will get better and I will forget all about it.

Like when I think about getting married in two days.  OMG!  I'm getting married in two days!  I can barely believe it myself.  It's such a lovely, exciting feeling.

Going to bed now.  The sooner I go to bed, the sooner Friday will get here.  I know this blog is boring, but I just don't know what to write.  My feelings cannot be contained, nor are there any words for what I'm feeling.  I love Joel with all my heart and this is the natural next step in our relationship.  And finally, I will have an "S" behind my name!  I will be a part of the Hershbergers!

Goodnight, all!

My second day with having Thrush.  Who gets thrush, anyway?  Where did this fungus come from?  Am I missing something in my "oh so perfect" diet?  Go figure.  I guess you can't get everything from a vitamin or supplement.  I swear I'm going to start watching the foods I put in this body.  All I care about is if I'm "kissable" on Friday.  I can't have a wedding ceremony without that part about kissing the bride.  It's my favorite part!

Believe me, staying at home isn't as fun as it sounds.  TV sucks.  I don't feel like pulling out my Kindle to read anything.  I worry about what's going on at work and did they find someone to take my place.  Random thoughts, really.  When I'm at home, I don't feel I have much purpose.  I could be doing laundry (that would surprise Joel), but really don't feel well enough to get off this couch.

Yuck.

Philippians 4:11

"Actually, I don't have a sense of needing anything personally.  I've learned by now to be quite content whatever my circumstances.  I'm just as happy with little as with much, with much as with little.  I've found the recipe for being happy whether full or hungry, hands full or hands empty.  Whatever I have, wherever I am, I can make it through anything in the One who makes me who I am."

I'm doing very well with being calm these few days before I become Mrs. Joel Hershberger.  I know Friday I'm going to be a woman in crisis, but for now, I'm doing ok.  I have no doubts about marrying Joel.  He is one of the nicest men I've ever met and I can't imagine my life without him.  I'm a little nervous about how many people are going to witness the ceremony, but I'm also glad for all who are coming to wish us well.

I love the Hershbergers (I've known them for many years) and becoming one of the family is going to be a very easy transition.  I love my soon-to-be mother-in-law, LaVonne, and my soon-to-be sister-in-law, Vonnette, and I are becoming quite good friends.  My grandchildren are now calling Joel "Papa Joel" and he's very good with all of them. 

Friday is going to be a great day!