Towards Healing

A friend suggested I list some of the things I enjoy doing instead of dwelling on things I have no control over.  She also suggested I do some of these things.  I'm a great list-maker, but a doer?  Not so much.  I'm going to give it a shot, though, and see what happens.

1.  I like to ride bike from Morehouse Park to Lake Kohlmeir and back again.
2.  I like to sit in the shade at Lake Kohlmeir and read from my Kindle.
3.  I like taking pictures of places that mean something personal to me.  Maybe I could do a picture story of my life.  How fun would that be?
4.  I love camping every year with my best friend, Bruce, and his son, Bruce.  We have such a good time relaxing and playing Scrabble.
5.  I like having "ME" time when I read or write.
6.  I love being a wife again...this time to a man who is everything I've ever wanted in a partner.
7.  I love my Kindle.  It's funny because I never thought I'd like having an e-reader.  The Kindle is amazingly like reading a hard-cover or otherwise bound book, so I've been converted.
8.  I'd like to go back to church again.  The one across from the hospital is close to where I live.  I have no excuses for this one.

It's kind of a lame list, I know, but maybe as I begin doing these things, other "likes" will come to mind.  Apparently, this is an opportunity for me to figure myself out.  I will work things out with my children when the right time comes.

My children are dealing with some heavy childhood issues right now.  They don't understand me and maybe never will.  I have to accept that and respect their decisions.  What is most hard about this process is knowing I can't change anything for them.  I can't rewrite history, even though I would desperately like to.  Isn't that something we'd all like to do?  Get a do over for our lives so we can make better choices?  I think so.

I sometimes wonder if I'm the woman God created me to be.  Flaws and bad childhoods and sad memories and all.  Who would I be if I gave total control over to God?  I may not be able to change the past, but the future is a blank slate.  Am I able to "let go and let God"?  I believe God gave me a passion and a gift for something.  I just have to let go of my own selfishness and give myself over to God and I will find out what that passion and gift is.

As for my children, I love them with all my heart.  I always have and always will.  They can tell me they don't want me in their life right now and it doesn't diminish my love for them.  Nothing will separate me from loving them.