Sorrowful

I have had time to consider the mistakes I made in the past, mistakes I made as a mother.  I have had time to think of those mistakes from my adult child's point of view.  And as much as I'd like to hate myself for those mistake, I can't.  It wasn't about me.  I was a bit player in a horrible play that I didn't know how to get out of.

As painful as it is, I've had to put myself in my children's eyes and see the life they were forced to live.  They had no choice but endure the back and forth life they lived (one minute we were fine and the next minute, there was utter chaos).  I had the choice, but chose to stay out of fear.  I was weak and pretty much useless, but again I revert back to myself.


Evil was so tricky, so deceitful.  He did his best to put a wedge between my children and I.  For the most part, he has succeeded.  I rebelled after he was gone, even though he had beaten me down so badly I didn't even have a sense of who I was.  My children were the real victims here, even though they've turned into amazing adults and are NOT victims in the usual sense.

I truly mourn for their losses.  I cringe inside as I think of what they endured, during Evil's presence and after he was gone.  I did play a large part of this, even if it wasn't intentional.  Where was I when they were living on the streets?  Where was I when my precious daughter thought I hated her and blamed her for all the changes that were happening in our lives?  Where was I when my only son wasn't allowed to sit on the furniture or when I came home from work to see the results of an earlier beating?

The truth hurts.  These were my babies!  I should have protected them from Evil.  I should have stood between them and gotten us out of there, no matter the cost.  I can't say why I stayed.  Being so far away from it now, none of it makes any sense.  It's a classic case of a wife being physically and emotionally abused, so much so that I didn't know what was right and what was wrong.  My views on life were definitely skewed.  I'm not sure which was worse, when Evil lived with us or when he was gone and I was let loose.

I know all this is going to be resolved.  I know I will win the trust of my family again.  I'm not the same person I was when all this was going on.  I mean, it's been since 1990!  I'm not really sure why this is being brought to the surface now, but I'm sure God has a plan for my family. 

Weeping may endure for a night, But joy comes in the morning. Psalm 30:5.