My Parenting Woes

I am the first to admit I wasn't good at raising my children.  I made many mistakes and showed poor judgment as a mother.  There are deep wounds that will only take a miracle to fix.  I believe in the power of God through Jesus Christ, and even this can be healed.  My family will be together again.  (Sweet shall be the peace of my children...the Bible says it and I believe it.)

In the present, though, my family is fractured and I don't know what to do about it.  It doesn't help to remind them of my own fractured life and that's part of the reason I didn't know how to take care of them.  As a matter of fact, I didn't know how to take care of myself.  This made for a very poor childhood for my children.

Having a husband who beat me and verbally abused me to the point of not having any self-respect or confidence surely didn't help.  I was a scared, timid, and beat-down person.  How can I explain to my children how horrible my so-called existence was?  I didn't make a move without Steve knowing about it.  I was a non-person, incapable of making my own decisions.  Everything that was normal was pretty much sucked out of my by the time Steve went to prison.

I wish I could say it was different.  I would've done anything to have even a modicum of normalcy in our lives.  My children were fighting demons of their own and I wasn't there for them.  I was barely there for myself.  It was easier for me to just let them do whatever they wanted rather than set rules and enforce them.  I just didn't have it in me at the time to be a parent.

I'm pretty sure my children spent a lot of time laughing at me over how much they could get away with.  As a parent, I was a joke.  My children had absolutely no respect for me.  I had no respect for myself.  As difficult as it would've been to do, I should have gotten help - family counseling might have helped us to deal with everything we were dealing with...individually and as a family.  I was told that family counseling is too late now, but I don't believe that.  I think family counseling would be a very good idea, even if I was the only one going.

I do love my children.  They're all amazing and talented people, despite bad parenting on my part.  But, they do make mistakes that affect how their children view them and view life.  Maybe they've never made the same mistakes I did, but none of us are without sin.  And isn't making mistakes the same as sinning?  I think so.

I missed the mark.  I made serious mistakes that can't be reversed.  So, tell me, what do I do?  I don't want a fractured family anymore.  It's going to take time to earn their respect again, but I want to try.  I'm remorseful.  I've repented.  I've asked for forgiveness.  I'm at a loss as to what to do to make this better.

I have to believe that God is taking of this in His perfect timing.  I have to have enough faith to let this problem go.

I love you Billie, Jaci, Jeremy, and Stephanie...whatever love means.  I love the adults you've become, even with your flaws and mistakes.  I love you, even if you can't love me back.  I hope someday our lives will be better and we can be a family again.