I definitely feel like I'm "reaping what I sowed" with my children. I used to ignore my mother, roll my eyes at things she had to say, not talk to her for days (until I needed something), and was hateful toward her sometimes. Now that she's gone, I would take all that back in a heartbeat. I would hug her, tell her how much I loved her, and spend time with her. But I can't. And there will be a day when my children won't have those opportunities with me.
I'm not saying they shouldn't be angry. Some serious things happened to them when they were children. It seems to me that they are angry at the wrong person, though. Maybe I should have handled things differently at the time my ex-husband left for prison, but I was reeling from the tornado that was our lives at the time, too.
I'm not saying I'm blameless. I was the adult and I should have been stronger and more supportive of what my children were going through. But I wasn't. My life was changing dramatically and there were a lot of "what am I going to do now?" thoughts and feelings. That life change was forced upon me and I had to coordinate all the changes at once. I am sorry I didn't pay more attention to my children and what they were going through, but Steve did such a fine job of taking away all my respect, my children wouldn't have accepted my assistance, anyway.
Really, I'm not making excuses. These are the cold, hard facts. At least from my perspective. My children each have their own version and their own story.
I wish with all my might that I could take it all back. To go back to that day (February 1, 1990) and change everything. Not the part where Steve left, but for me to be a stronger mom for my children. My world fell apart that day. Again, not so much that Steve left, but because I truly didn't know what I was going to do. I was a stay-at-home mom, so I had to worry about how we were going to live. We had just bought a new mobile home, so that would probably have to go (which it did)...where were we going to live? My own sense of betrayal and anger was clouding my thoughts.
I wish my children could give me a little slack. I hate when they're angry at me. I am always apologizing to them, even when it isn't warranted.
I'm tired of this conversation.
A place to unload the worries of the day and celebrate the knowledge I am not alone in this crazy world!
Val,
ReplyDeleteI'm going to respond to you as a child whose own mother betrayed her, let her down, and failed.
Just be sorry. Don't explain the why's and the becauses. It doesn't matter. By you trying to explain "your side" (as if it's an argument) only continues to diminish what happened. There is nothing you can say to make it better. There is nothing you can say to justify what happened. There's nothing you can say to take away the pain of a childhood. Nothing.
Just be sorry. Listen, cry, hug. But that is it! It isn't about you. It's the pain of a childhood lost. It's pain that your actions caused. Nothing you can EVER say will change that so why continue to plead your case? An adult child that has been traumatized will never understand. Will never see your side. Will never accept that what happened to them couldn't be helped.
Seriously, all you can do is be sorry. And as hard as it is, let things be. Your children will come back to as long as you don't push them away. But I'm afraid that you "telling your side" and trying to get your children to understand your situation at the time is literally just pushing them away.
Val, I hope you hear what I'm saying. I'm not trying to be mean at all. I'm literally tryig to help you mend your relationships. I know you are a good person. I know you have a big heart. And if you were my mother, this is what I'd want you to do. Just be sorry.
Val, I wish I could remember my previous comments, the ones that never did show up on the blog, but I can't. So first of all I want to say that I am reading your blog each day, but sometimes I read a couple days at once. I am so proud of you and the way that you have with expressing yourself so clearly.
ReplyDeleteI am feeling your heartache as you write about your relationship with your children and your mistakes. I wish we didn't make mistakes as parents, that everyday were perfect Currier and Ives or Norman Rockwell days. But that's not life and we do the best we can do at the time.
I am nervous about losing my comments again. So I am going to just do this much and if it works, I'll continue my thoughts on another comment.
Well, I can only figure out how to comment as Anonymous so I guess for not, that's me. But for your info this is RK.
ReplyDeleteI recall the day that you were at my house and you told me about what had just happened with Steve. Of course, I was concerned for you, but more concerned for your daughter and its impact on her. BUT this was because I had no idea what YOU were going through - in your personal life and in your marriage. Reading your blog has opened up your life to me, pulled back the veil to see what was happening behind the scenes. Now I am realizing that the Val I knew was wearing a mask and I didn't know it was a mask. I feel bad for the pain you have now, but more sorry for the pain that you were experiencing then and I didn't know you were in pain and needing comfort. We were friends back then, but not close, certainly not confidantes.
You are continuing the healing process as are your children and I am agreeing and praying with you that your family's relationships will be restored.
And, MRS. Hershberger, I am reveling in your happiness and enchantment with marriage. Trying to remember way back when to my first days of being married. I can still recall my feelings the first time I was on the phone with a salesperson who had asked for Pete. When I told him that Pete wasn't home, he asked me if I was his wife. Wow, did that feel really strange - the question and the affirmative answer. This month we will celebrate our 35th anniversary. So, yes, love and marriage can last and flourish when two people are brought together by the Lord. I wish that love and flourishing for you and Joel.
very well put rk
ReplyDeleteI am taking your comment very seriously, Amy, and it makes total sense. Thank you for being real with me and giving me what I needed.
ReplyDeleteRK, Thank you for your comments as well. It's easy for me to blog about my life; it's a little tougher to do in person. I think that's maybe whey I wear that mask that the public sees. It starts cracking and wearing down as relationships progress or if I can deal with my life online. It's very therapeutic for me. So thank you for the encouragement. It truly means a lot to me.
ReplyDeletejust keep telling yourself something tells me this is going to make sense,something tells me this is going to take patience, something tells me this is all going to make sense in the end.
ReplyDeleteI'm always here for ya girl (((((hugs))))) know that I love ya ;)
ReplyDeleteYou guys are so great. Thank you for sharing your stories and lives with me as well. RK, I wish we could have been closer back then, too. I really didn't have any ally. Pastor Dave and Linda told me I needed to be a better wife. I felt betrayed by them, too.
ReplyDeleteBut all is well for me. Just continue to pray for God to take off the veils to my childrens' eyes so they can see how much He loves and wants them. I am praying for a complete healing for all of us, but especially for my children. I want my family restored.
I think Amy hit the nail on the head there...
ReplyDeleteI agree with amy and angie... And thank you RK for being concerned with my well being back then. I always liked you. I felt you were a true to life kind human being. Glad to see you still are.
ReplyDeleteAmazinglyamy is so right on. I went through a difficult healing process with a family member a few years ago. Every time I tried to explain my side, things got worse. When I stopped and just listened and focused on their perspective, forgetting myself, the healing began and I began to truly understand. His experience was real to him and hurt him. It didn't matter where I was at in that situation - he was hurt, abused, and I needed to set aside my feelings and acknowledge that. There were 2 realities - his and mine - both legitimately different. Make the appointment. aj
ReplyDelete