I know I'm never going to please everybody, so why do I continue to try? I'm trying not to dwell on this issue, but it's too fresh in my mind. I have to mull it over in my mind until it is gone. Finished. Settled.
Why do certain people expect so much from me? If I turn left, they complain that I didn't turn right. Not inviting people to my wedding (which was supposed to be just the witnesses and Joel and I), for instance. It turned into being a hurt fest because other people wanted to be there. I never intended to hurt anyone. Yet the blame falls on me. I should have said this or I should have done that.
When I told my children that I was getting married, there was no 'congratulations', no wishes for happiness, no 'I'm happy for you, Mom' comments. There just was no interest there, so why should they be hurt that they weren't specifically asked to be at the ceremony?
Yes, I left a message on one of my daughter's phone. She never answers the phone if she's home alone, so what choice did I have? She never called me back, either, even though I asked her to. Yes, I texted my other children...not one word back except for my son. I could be upset about that, too, if I wanted to be.
It's so hard to know what to do anymore. I'm getting discouraged about my fractured family. I truly need some bolstering and words of encouragement. I'm not even sure my children think of me or concern themselves with me, anymore. I've received no phone calls or replies to texts. I tell them I love them...silence in return.
What are my children doing in their own lives that my grandchildren will resent them for in years to come? Have they ever considered that all parents make mistakes? Why is all this rage directed at me all of a sudden? They've had years to talk to me about these issues and never said a word.
I've apologized. I've tried to explain. I tell myself to leave it alone and let God work out the details, but what do I do in the meantime? I'm not supposed to let my heart be troubled, but these are my children.
It's difficult for me to move on with my life with this always on my mind.
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A place to unload the worries of the day and celebrate the knowledge I am not alone in this crazy world!
Val, my friend. Trust in the Lord. You are who you are. You are your previous experiences, your reaction and actions to them, the influence of outside forces beyond your control, and those you may have been able to control. You are not perfect. There is only 1 that has been perfect. You're the woman that you are. You can become the woman that you can become. All the things in the past and present are wasted if you don't learn from them, and change things. Most of the battle is twofold. You must learn what God wants for all of us, and you must learn you need to turn to and trust in the Lord, rather than do and act the way you would without His influence. He loves unconditionally, and you must too. Wanting things to work out for your family won't make it so. Fretting about why things are the way they are won't make it so. As by now, you've learned, you can only love with NO EXPECTATIONS. Love them no matter their indifference. Love them no matter their anger. Love them no matter their hatred. MOSTLY though, LOVE YOU. Without this FIRST AND MOST IMPORTANT STEP, ..... NOTHING else can move forward. You can pine for things all you want, but without understanding who/what/where you are and LOVING YOU, you can't receive love from others properly. LOVE YOURSELF in spite of yourself. Learn, change, morph, GROW. This can't happen until you let go the grief and regret, and ALLOW the Lord's love into your life. YOU must let go of the BLAME. The time for BLAME is in the past. The time for LOVE is now, and the future. ENJOY YOU, and ENJOY YOUR HUSBAND.
ReplyDeleteI still have the text on my phone when u informed me by text that you had gotten married and I replied with congrats. I don't delete any of them so I can forward it to you if you would like. You wanted only witnesses at ur wedding but yet expect what from us when we are not even invited? U didn't want anything, no party, no big deal. Yet now u complain that u didn't get happy happy joy joy responses from us about ur big day? You freaking texted us. Are you serious? And yes, we are making mistakes while we are parenting because that's what happens but believe me when I say, that I am involved with my kids lives and they know no matter what, we are both here for them. You need to worry about making good choices in your relationships with your grandchildren and stop worrying about the mistakes made with your children. You cannot change anything in the past. But the mistakes made became our realities, so try to remember that.
ReplyDeleteJaci, if you sent a text saying congrats, I believe you. You don't need to resend it. All I'm asking for is forgiveness so we can move on from all this. Maybe that isn't possible.
ReplyDeleteIs there any way we can get together and really talk? I still say family counseling would be the best way to go because everyone would get their say that way. I'm on Joel's insurance now, so I can see how much it would cost. If I initiated it, there wouldn't be any cost to anyone else. Are you willing to do that to mend some of these broken fences?
ReplyDeleteThe longer this goes on, the more mistakes are going to be made between us. I don't want that. I want the chance to listen to what you have to say and a chance to say I'm sorry. Most of all, I want us to be as we were. I don't know how we can do that without a mediator.
ReplyDeleteI realize that you want us to be as we were. I dont know if thats ever going to be possible. You said in another post that you dont know where this all came from. Well, I have told you that since becoming a mother and seeing the love I have for my children, I cannot understand how you would let a person do the horrendous things that were done to us without you intervening. I had a horrible childhood too and you dont see me perpetuating the cycle by allowing my children to suffer the same fate. I realize we are different people and therefore react differently to certain situations. But to me, our good relationship that we had wasnt an honest one. I was angry at you and couldnt understand why you allowed such things and then angry at myself for being angry at you. We did have fun and we did laugh alot but I'm on my own journey through this life and have come to the realizations that maybe I was just searching for your love and approval as an adult and that our relationship was built on lies. If you want to hash this out with a counselor, feel free to make the appt. I dont want to give you false hope that anything will change. You talk about how abused you were, I know this to be true, but, you were also a grown up and had the ability to leave, we werent granted that choice, you went on vacations through work, we were stuck dealing with him all alone while you were at Disneyland. Even after he went to prison, you still wanted to get back together with him, I remember answering the phone and hearing his voice at 15, and you werent under his control then... Those kind of things are the real story and no matter how much you want to stick to yours, the truth will come out and it doesnt show you in the best of lights, so before you make this step, make sure its what you really wand. I am not the type of person to sugar coat things and there will be some very hard realities for you to deal with and there isnt a place in therapy where you can bury your head to the things you dont want to deal with...
ReplyDeleteI know I've always buried my head in the sand whenever anything uncomfortable in my life happens. It's part of my personality; it's how I handle things. It's not a good way to handle things, but it's my truth.
ReplyDeleteI've always believed you, Jaci. I'm sorry you felt otherwise. The first time you told me, I was the one who got on the phone after you and Steve left in the car and called the police. The second time it happened, I was so angry at myself for not seeing the signs. I believed you. I just didn't know what I was going to do. It was Steve I blamed, not you.
I don't want to speak for Jaci but I think a lot of the hurt comes from the fact that a second time was even an option...how could you let someone who has hurt you and your children back into your life when you were free of them? How could you have any kind of contact with them again? Maybe she'll never know the answer to that.
ReplyDeleteI don't know why all of this stuff is coming up for Jaci now but I do know she will get through it being stronger in the end. I hope that you can take the journey with her.
I hope so, too, Angie. She may think my words are hollow, but I really do love Jaci very much and I miss her.
ReplyDelete