More organized at work and at home
Full of kindness, from me and from others toward me
Serene, an inner peace that shines from me to others
Full of fun and a personal sense of humor
Loving
Trusting
More family time, with mutual love and respect
More energy to do the things I want to do
Healthy choices in my food, drink, and decisions
A fuller spiritual life
Light that generates outward
Learn how to cook and learn to enjoy it
An ability to stand up for myself more
More confidence
Yes, it's a big list. And a very energetic one at that! I don't expect to take care of these things in the next month. I don't even know if it can be done in the next year. But I want to start. Even if I make a small change here and there, eventually my life will be as I want it to be. And I don't expect to be doing this on my own, either. I will have the help of both my wonderful husband and loving Father...how can I go wrong?
A place to unload the worries of the day and celebrate the knowledge I am not alone in this crazy world!
Tuesday, September 27, 2011
Thursday, September 22, 2011
Be Anxious For Nothing
How do I get to the point where I no longer feel guilty for things that happened in the past? I've had first-hand knowledge of needing to forgive someone a grave injustice, yet I have yet to be forgiven.
Seriously, I was an abused woman who had extremely low self-esteem. I couldn't even pick out my own friends, for Pete's sake. Anyone who's been in that situation understands how I could "allow" the abuses in our lives. Those were dark, dark times. Again, I take the blame and the fury accompanying it. I was left behind to pick up the pieces while my ex-husband sat back and earned a college degree, (free for him, mind you) in his prison cell. Doesn't seem quite right. Can someone explain this to me?
I get angry when I think about it. I love each of my children and know they are extremely talented, gifted adults. But unless I pick up the phone and call one of them, I don't hear from them at all. And even then, it's to tell me I haven't called in a long time and they are hurt by that. I see other people get loving attention from their children, no matter how many mistakes they made, and it just makes me sad. I miss them.
I have prayed over this situation and I have to be patient. I know God is working all things together for me and He has a different perspective on this than I do. If I'm feeling anxious, I need to lay it at His feet and allow Him to continue the work I know He's already started.
I really just want my family back.
Seriously, I was an abused woman who had extremely low self-esteem. I couldn't even pick out my own friends, for Pete's sake. Anyone who's been in that situation understands how I could "allow" the abuses in our lives. Those were dark, dark times. Again, I take the blame and the fury accompanying it. I was left behind to pick up the pieces while my ex-husband sat back and earned a college degree, (free for him, mind you) in his prison cell. Doesn't seem quite right. Can someone explain this to me?
I get angry when I think about it. I love each of my children and know they are extremely talented, gifted adults. But unless I pick up the phone and call one of them, I don't hear from them at all. And even then, it's to tell me I haven't called in a long time and they are hurt by that. I see other people get loving attention from their children, no matter how many mistakes they made, and it just makes me sad. I miss them.
I have prayed over this situation and I have to be patient. I know God is working all things together for me and He has a different perspective on this than I do. If I'm feeling anxious, I need to lay it at His feet and allow Him to continue the work I know He's already started.
I really just want my family back.
Tuesday, September 20, 2011
Random Thoughts
All the planning in the world would not have prepared me for this.
I don't have any reason to think of this...it just popped into my head today. I have a lot of those kind of thoughts. The brain is a crazy thing when it comes to something random. Where do these thoughts originate? How do they become thoughts? You can't get your mind to think of nothing. Even if you did, you'd be thinking about thinking nothing.
Went grocery shopping for the home today with one of the consumers. It's always fun to take a person shopping who has Down's Syndrome and an OCD personality; he thinks it's okay to talk to every person he comes in contact with. The fact that he doesn't know that particular person doesn't matter to him. People are really nice and will reciprocate conversation, but it makes for a long trip around the store.
People who have Down's Syndrome are my favorite people in the world. So happy and so helpful. We could all take a lesson in how to be from someone with Down's. What do they have that I don't have? Do I know anyone who is happy more than they're not?
I don't have any reason to think of this...it just popped into my head today. I have a lot of those kind of thoughts. The brain is a crazy thing when it comes to something random. Where do these thoughts originate? How do they become thoughts? You can't get your mind to think of nothing. Even if you did, you'd be thinking about thinking nothing.
Went grocery shopping for the home today with one of the consumers. It's always fun to take a person shopping who has Down's Syndrome and an OCD personality; he thinks it's okay to talk to every person he comes in contact with. The fact that he doesn't know that particular person doesn't matter to him. People are really nice and will reciprocate conversation, but it makes for a long trip around the store.
People who have Down's Syndrome are my favorite people in the world. So happy and so helpful. We could all take a lesson in how to be from someone with Down's. What do they have that I don't have? Do I know anyone who is happy more than they're not?
Saturday, September 10, 2011
Sorrowful
I have had time to consider the mistakes I made in the past, mistakes I made as a mother. I have had time to think of those mistakes from my adult child's point of view. And as much as I'd like to hate myself for those mistake, I can't. It wasn't about me. I was a bit player in a horrible play that I didn't know how to get out of.
As painful as it is, I've had to put myself in my children's eyes and see the life they were forced to live. They had no choice but endure the back and forth life they lived (one minute we were fine and the next minute, there was utter chaos). I had the choice, but chose to stay out of fear. I was weak and pretty much useless, but again I revert back to myself.
Evil was so tricky, so deceitful. He did his best to put a wedge between my children and I. For the most part, he has succeeded. I rebelled after he was gone, even though he had beaten me down so badly I didn't even have a sense of who I was. My children were the real victims here, even though they've turned into amazing adults and are NOT victims in the usual sense.
I truly mourn for their losses. I cringe inside as I think of what they endured, during Evil's presence and after he was gone. I did play a large part of this, even if it wasn't intentional. Where was I when they were living on the streets? Where was I when my precious daughter thought I hated her and blamed her for all the changes that were happening in our lives? Where was I when my only son wasn't allowed to sit on the furniture or when I came home from work to see the results of an earlier beating?
The truth hurts. These were my babies! I should have protected them from Evil. I should have stood between them and gotten us out of there, no matter the cost. I can't say why I stayed. Being so far away from it now, none of it makes any sense. It's a classic case of a wife being physically and emotionally abused, so much so that I didn't know what was right and what was wrong. My views on life were definitely skewed. I'm not sure which was worse, when Evil lived with us or when he was gone and I was let loose.
I know all this is going to be resolved. I know I will win the trust of my family again. I'm not the same person I was when all this was going on. I mean, it's been since 1990! I'm not really sure why this is being brought to the surface now, but I'm sure God has a plan for my family.
Weeping may endure for a night, But joy comes in the morning. Psalm 30:5.
As painful as it is, I've had to put myself in my children's eyes and see the life they were forced to live. They had no choice but endure the back and forth life they lived (one minute we were fine and the next minute, there was utter chaos). I had the choice, but chose to stay out of fear. I was weak and pretty much useless, but again I revert back to myself.
Evil was so tricky, so deceitful. He did his best to put a wedge between my children and I. For the most part, he has succeeded. I rebelled after he was gone, even though he had beaten me down so badly I didn't even have a sense of who I was. My children were the real victims here, even though they've turned into amazing adults and are NOT victims in the usual sense.
I truly mourn for their losses. I cringe inside as I think of what they endured, during Evil's presence and after he was gone. I did play a large part of this, even if it wasn't intentional. Where was I when they were living on the streets? Where was I when my precious daughter thought I hated her and blamed her for all the changes that were happening in our lives? Where was I when my only son wasn't allowed to sit on the furniture or when I came home from work to see the results of an earlier beating?
The truth hurts. These were my babies! I should have protected them from Evil. I should have stood between them and gotten us out of there, no matter the cost. I can't say why I stayed. Being so far away from it now, none of it makes any sense. It's a classic case of a wife being physically and emotionally abused, so much so that I didn't know what was right and what was wrong. My views on life were definitely skewed. I'm not sure which was worse, when Evil lived with us or when he was gone and I was let loose.
I know all this is going to be resolved. I know I will win the trust of my family again. I'm not the same person I was when all this was going on. I mean, it's been since 1990! I'm not really sure why this is being brought to the surface now, but I'm sure God has a plan for my family.
Weeping may endure for a night, But joy comes in the morning. Psalm 30:5.
Friday, September 9, 2011
Computer Challenged
If there's any time in my life I feel stupid, it's when I try to do anything on the computer. Other than turn it on and make it work, that is. I just spent over an hour copying pics from my old laptop to my new laptop so I can give the old laptop to my grandchildren. Even writing the sentence sounds conglomerated, doesn't it? If it weren't for Joel sitting next to me and directing me through the process, I never would have gotten it done.
Why is this? I'm a smart person otherwise, but when it comes to doing "new" (to me) things on the computer, I get tense and feel stupid. I know it isn't because Joel is helping me; we've always been who we are to one another and there's no need for pretense. Where are these voices coming from, anyway?
Now that everything is done, I feel better. I can bring the computer to my daughter's house and feel confident I have everything I need from it. I'm glad the kids will be able to use it. I'm hoping they use it for homework, but more than likely there will be more games on it than anything else. Still, it's nice when I can do something to improve their lives. With eleven grandchildren and one great-granddaughter, that's a tad challenging!
Why is this? I'm a smart person otherwise, but when it comes to doing "new" (to me) things on the computer, I get tense and feel stupid. I know it isn't because Joel is helping me; we've always been who we are to one another and there's no need for pretense. Where are these voices coming from, anyway?
Now that everything is done, I feel better. I can bring the computer to my daughter's house and feel confident I have everything I need from it. I'm glad the kids will be able to use it. I'm hoping they use it for homework, but more than likely there will be more games on it than anything else. Still, it's nice when I can do something to improve their lives. With eleven grandchildren and one great-granddaughter, that's a tad challenging!
Thursday, September 8, 2011
Kindle Troubles
I was having some problems adding new books from Amazon to my Kindle, so I did what any red-blooded reader would do. I de-registered and registered it again. I can be so lame sometimes. I mean, what would I do without books to read? Come to find out, when you do that, all the 199 books I had on my Kindle were wiped out. I hesitate to use the word "devastate", as I try to reserve that for tornadoes, earthquakes and such, but I was upset.
When I woke up this morning and checked my Kindle, I found all my books were back on there. Oh, happy day! I can go to work with a smile in my heart again.
I really am an avid bookworm, aren't I? Either that or a big dork. At least I can read.
When I woke up this morning and checked my Kindle, I found all my books were back on there. Oh, happy day! I can go to work with a smile in my heart again.
I really am an avid bookworm, aren't I? Either that or a big dork. At least I can read.
Tuesday, September 6, 2011
It Just Keeps Getting Better
I knew I would enjoy being married again. I always thought I was meant for marriage. I just didn't find the right one until Joel. He is so good to me.
Like this morning, for instance. I got up and noticed a big box sitting in the middle of the floor. Joel told me a couple days ago there would be a package coming, a surprise for me. I figured this package was that surprise. But then, Joel gets a lot of packages in the mail, so I waited. He handed me a knife to open the box. Woo hoo! It was for me this time. Little did I know.
I opened the box and saw the words "The PC is Personal Again" and knew right away it was a laptop. Wow! I had figured I'd have to wait until I saved up enough money to get another laptop. There wasn't anything horribly wrong with the one I had, but it was at least 3 years old. Everyone knows computers become dinosaurs very quickly and I had come to the point where I almost named mine Dino.
This doesn't mean I love Joel more for buying me a laptop. It could have been anything in that box and I would've been happy. BUT A LAPTOP??? He surprises me all the time. All I had to do was believe I was worthy of a good man and God supplied the rest.
I love Joel, I love his family, and I love our life together. It doesn't get any better than this.
Like this morning, for instance. I got up and noticed a big box sitting in the middle of the floor. Joel told me a couple days ago there would be a package coming, a surprise for me. I figured this package was that surprise. But then, Joel gets a lot of packages in the mail, so I waited. He handed me a knife to open the box. Woo hoo! It was for me this time. Little did I know.
I opened the box and saw the words "The PC is Personal Again" and knew right away it was a laptop. Wow! I had figured I'd have to wait until I saved up enough money to get another laptop. There wasn't anything horribly wrong with the one I had, but it was at least 3 years old. Everyone knows computers become dinosaurs very quickly and I had come to the point where I almost named mine Dino.
This doesn't mean I love Joel more for buying me a laptop. It could have been anything in that box and I would've been happy. BUT A LAPTOP??? He surprises me all the time. All I had to do was believe I was worthy of a good man and God supplied the rest.
I love Joel, I love his family, and I love our life together. It doesn't get any better than this.
Joel's family came over to help him put up a shed. All the guys were putting up the shed and food just kept appearing from the women. It was so nice. The day was beautiful, the shed got put up, and everyone had their fill of food. I couldn't have asked for a better family to marry into.
I had to leave early to go to work (double time for the holiday), but the time I did share with nieces and nephews, sister-in-law, mother-in-law, and kids was so much fun.
I always had dreams of this type of thing...only it would be my family coming for the big bunch of food and fun. I'm still hoping it can happen someday. My family is fractured, but even serious breaks can heal.
Love covers a multitude of sins...or so the Bible says. I hope the hurts my children experienced in their lives can be healed. I cover each one with God's love and mercy.
I had to leave early to go to work (double time for the holiday), but the time I did share with nieces and nephews, sister-in-law, mother-in-law, and kids was so much fun.
I always had dreams of this type of thing...only it would be my family coming for the big bunch of food and fun. I'm still hoping it can happen someday. My family is fractured, but even serious breaks can heal.
Love covers a multitude of sins...or so the Bible says. I hope the hurts my children experienced in their lives can be healed. I cover each one with God's love and mercy.
Sunday, September 4, 2011
Questions with No Answers
The weekends go by so quickly. Too quickly. Wasn't it just minutes ago that I told myself "oh, good...it's Friday night and I have two days off"? Why can't the weekdays pass that fast?
I sometimes wonder if I could get by on disability. The fibromyalgia and degenerative disk disease is making it harder and harder to do the work I'm supposed to be doing. I can't stand for more than 5 or 10 minutes at a time before my back feels like a brick is pressing down on my spine. My meds make me sleepy and the fibromyalgia does crazy things to my concentration. Is it fair to the consumers who count on me to get things done? Is it fair to me to put my body through things that make it hurt so much?
Why can't I just wake up and feel normal for once?
Lots of questions with no answers. I know Jesus bore my pain on the cross, so why do I still hurt? Am I reaping what I've sowed? Do I need to change the way I speak about my body and how it feels?
Faith is a funny thing sometimes. I can have faith to move mountains for other people, but when I need to have faith for myself, I struggle. I pray and know that God hears me. Am I praying wrong? Am I praying for the wrong things or for the wrong reasons? Should I even be praying for myself? Shouldn't I be putting others before myself?
I wish I knew.
I sometimes wonder if I could get by on disability. The fibromyalgia and degenerative disk disease is making it harder and harder to do the work I'm supposed to be doing. I can't stand for more than 5 or 10 minutes at a time before my back feels like a brick is pressing down on my spine. My meds make me sleepy and the fibromyalgia does crazy things to my concentration. Is it fair to the consumers who count on me to get things done? Is it fair to me to put my body through things that make it hurt so much?
Why can't I just wake up and feel normal for once?
Lots of questions with no answers. I know Jesus bore my pain on the cross, so why do I still hurt? Am I reaping what I've sowed? Do I need to change the way I speak about my body and how it feels?
Faith is a funny thing sometimes. I can have faith to move mountains for other people, but when I need to have faith for myself, I struggle. I pray and know that God hears me. Am I praying wrong? Am I praying for the wrong things or for the wrong reasons? Should I even be praying for myself? Shouldn't I be putting others before myself?
I wish I knew.
Thursday, September 1, 2011
Thank You, Lord Jesus
Sometimes I have a hard time comprehending all that Jesus did for me. Have we become this complacent to Him? Maybe it's just me. I need some shock therapy of sorts...maybe even a kick in the pants to get me going again.
He is everything and I am nothing without Him. Of course, that means that I am everything with Him, right? I am everything He is. I don't always allow myself to become like Him. What does that mean, anyway? How can I become like Jesus when I am as imperfect as I am?
I raised children, but there were many times I made mistakes with them, some of which are hard for my children to understand or forgive. I am a new wife and just learning again what it means to put others before myself. I pray before work, but judging by all the errors that have been made this past week, it's like I left Him standing outside the door while I went in without Him.
How do I change this around? I read all the time...good, Christian living books that should be helping me, but it seems as if there's something blocking the wisdom from getting to me. Is there unrepented sin in my life? Is there something I should be doing that I'm not? Please! I really want to know!
Until then, I continue to thank Jesus for dying for me, for taking on my sinful nature, for forgiving me, for giving me life. I will continue to read the Word, pray, and do my best to apply the things I've learned to my life.
Maybe that's the answer. Maybe I should just let go of all the issues I have and all the worries that haunt me and give them all to God. He has always been able to turn things around for me and there's no limit to how many problems He can handle.
So tonight I pray for my children and their families, for my husband, for my friends, and for my work. I leave them all at the feet of Jesus and He will lift them up at the appointed time. I need to get out of His way to enable Him to do what needs to be done.
I pray for you, too, dear reader. I appreciate all of you for taking this journey with me and giving me helpful advice and wise counsel when I need it.
I rest until another day.
He is everything and I am nothing without Him. Of course, that means that I am everything with Him, right? I am everything He is. I don't always allow myself to become like Him. What does that mean, anyway? How can I become like Jesus when I am as imperfect as I am?
I raised children, but there were many times I made mistakes with them, some of which are hard for my children to understand or forgive. I am a new wife and just learning again what it means to put others before myself. I pray before work, but judging by all the errors that have been made this past week, it's like I left Him standing outside the door while I went in without Him.
How do I change this around? I read all the time...good, Christian living books that should be helping me, but it seems as if there's something blocking the wisdom from getting to me. Is there unrepented sin in my life? Is there something I should be doing that I'm not? Please! I really want to know!
Until then, I continue to thank Jesus for dying for me, for taking on my sinful nature, for forgiving me, for giving me life. I will continue to read the Word, pray, and do my best to apply the things I've learned to my life.
Maybe that's the answer. Maybe I should just let go of all the issues I have and all the worries that haunt me and give them all to God. He has always been able to turn things around for me and there's no limit to how many problems He can handle.
So tonight I pray for my children and their families, for my husband, for my friends, and for my work. I leave them all at the feet of Jesus and He will lift them up at the appointed time. I need to get out of His way to enable Him to do what needs to be done.
I pray for you, too, dear reader. I appreciate all of you for taking this journey with me and giving me helpful advice and wise counsel when I need it.
I rest until another day.
Wednesday, August 31, 2011
So Many Changes
There have been so many changes at work lately. We have new staff (me and another guy are the only two originals left), new med sheets, new rules, new management. Today I had my med certification pulled because there was a screw up on the meds. I take full responsibility and have no excuse. Now I have to take another med certification class and be recertified in passing meds. I'm a smart woman...I just made a couple mistakes. With meds, that's pretty serious.
I feel like a fool. Now I have to find other staff to give meds because I'm not allowed to give them. I need to get my focus back. I really do love my job and it's a good thing I wasn't fired...I could have been. I think I need to go back to the beginning and be very vigilant again. It's easy to get complacent when you've been there awhile.
Home is wonderful. I love being married. I love the fact that there is one person in the world who will always be there for me, who sets me straight if I'm going the wrong direction, and who loves me despite myself. Joel is the perfect man for me...the one I've been praying about for years.
I have found out a few things about myself in this marriage; things I need to work on. One of those things is finding ways to be a help to Joel. He had a document that needed to be mailed yesterday, so I put it in the mailbox (across the road from our house) for him on the way to work. I get things for him when he's working on the computer so he can keep his focus. It's really all the little things that are fun to figure out. When I was single, I only had to worry about me. Some of that still comes out. but it's getting better.
My favorite thing is when we go to bed and he puts his feet against mine. His feet are always warm and mine are cold. He a touchy-feely type guy and so am I (in private), so that works out quite nicely.I feel safe knowing he's next to me. It's such a nice feeling.
Making tortillas for him now, so will chat later.
I feel like a fool. Now I have to find other staff to give meds because I'm not allowed to give them. I need to get my focus back. I really do love my job and it's a good thing I wasn't fired...I could have been. I think I need to go back to the beginning and be very vigilant again. It's easy to get complacent when you've been there awhile.
Home is wonderful. I love being married. I love the fact that there is one person in the world who will always be there for me, who sets me straight if I'm going the wrong direction, and who loves me despite myself. Joel is the perfect man for me...the one I've been praying about for years.
I have found out a few things about myself in this marriage; things I need to work on. One of those things is finding ways to be a help to Joel. He had a document that needed to be mailed yesterday, so I put it in the mailbox (across the road from our house) for him on the way to work. I get things for him when he's working on the computer so he can keep his focus. It's really all the little things that are fun to figure out. When I was single, I only had to worry about me. Some of that still comes out. but it's getting better.
My favorite thing is when we go to bed and he puts his feet against mine. His feet are always warm and mine are cold. He a touchy-feely type guy and so am I (in private), so that works out quite nicely.I feel safe knowing he's next to me. It's such a nice feeling.
Making tortillas for him now, so will chat later.
Tuesday, August 30, 2011
I don't think I should be writing tonight. I'm so angry right now! My precious granddaughter just stopped by here, sobbing hysterically, because her piece of crap maggot boyfriend punched her in the eye. Again. This is not the first time. Somebody needs to teach that boy a lesson. Not only that, but when they were on the freeway, he swerved the car with their baby in the back seat!
How much do I have to hear about before I do something. Oh, don't get me wrong. I believe in "vengeance is mine, sayeth the Lord", but I can't stand to see my granddaughter hurting like this. I know what it's like because I was in an abusive relationship and it's difficult to leave. You always hope for the best and believe the lies. But now I'm on the other side of that coin.
It's always more difficult when the heart is involved.
How much do I have to hear about before I do something. Oh, don't get me wrong. I believe in "vengeance is mine, sayeth the Lord", but I can't stand to see my granddaughter hurting like this. I know what it's like because I was in an abusive relationship and it's difficult to leave. You always hope for the best and believe the lies. But now I'm on the other side of that coin.
It's always more difficult when the heart is involved.
Sunday, August 28, 2011
Another Amazing Day in the Life of
I don't cook.
I know this is probably a disappointment to my wonderful husband, but I just don't see the point of it when you can pop something in the microwave or have something stewing in a crock pot. Besides, our schedules are such that finding time for a real meal is difficult. We stay up horrendously late and sleep in in the morning. Then we're both getting ready for work and off we go!
I think the biggest "problem" (if this is a problem; Joel never complains) is that Joel and I were both alone for so long that we fended for ourselves. Now that we're together, it's one of those things that have filtered out into our everyday life.
Would I like to cook? I would like to please Joel in making a "real" meal and serving it to him, wifely-style. Having fibromyalgia puts a damper on spending hours standing in the kitchen, so we're back to the microwave. Ah well. It's a darn good think he loves me, that's all I've got to say.
Fibromyalgia. Now there's a fun syndrome. It takes all I have to get out of bed in the morning, only to find my muscles all cramped up. I look like a 90-yr-old cronie making my way to the bathroom. I pray everyday that I'll make it and not pee all over myself. (Just kidding...that has never happened...the day it does, the Depends come out!) I never feel like I've gotten enough sleep. My mouth doesn't want to say what my mind is thinking. And I forget more than I remember. I hurt all over all the time. Because this syndrome isn't easily understood and isn't an outward thing, people can't understand why you can't keep up with them in doing everyday things. Working is a challenge because I'm on my feet a lot and give showers to three consumers...all I can say is IT HURTS! I also have degenerative disk disease, which adds to the fun.
But I'm here and I must deal with the life I have. I am humbled and grateful for God's grace in my life. We were never promised an easy life with no pain, but we ARE promised that Jesus will never leave us. And as difficult as I think my challenges are, there are those who have it much worse than I have.
So I am done with my rant. I have enough time to veg a little before work and that's exactly what I'm going to do.
I know this is probably a disappointment to my wonderful husband, but I just don't see the point of it when you can pop something in the microwave or have something stewing in a crock pot. Besides, our schedules are such that finding time for a real meal is difficult. We stay up horrendously late and sleep in in the morning. Then we're both getting ready for work and off we go!
I think the biggest "problem" (if this is a problem; Joel never complains) is that Joel and I were both alone for so long that we fended for ourselves. Now that we're together, it's one of those things that have filtered out into our everyday life.
Would I like to cook? I would like to please Joel in making a "real" meal and serving it to him, wifely-style. Having fibromyalgia puts a damper on spending hours standing in the kitchen, so we're back to the microwave. Ah well. It's a darn good think he loves me, that's all I've got to say.
Fibromyalgia. Now there's a fun syndrome. It takes all I have to get out of bed in the morning, only to find my muscles all cramped up. I look like a 90-yr-old cronie making my way to the bathroom. I pray everyday that I'll make it and not pee all over myself. (Just kidding...that has never happened...the day it does, the Depends come out!) I never feel like I've gotten enough sleep. My mouth doesn't want to say what my mind is thinking. And I forget more than I remember. I hurt all over all the time. Because this syndrome isn't easily understood and isn't an outward thing, people can't understand why you can't keep up with them in doing everyday things. Working is a challenge because I'm on my feet a lot and give showers to three consumers...all I can say is IT HURTS! I also have degenerative disk disease, which adds to the fun.
But I'm here and I must deal with the life I have. I am humbled and grateful for God's grace in my life. We were never promised an easy life with no pain, but we ARE promised that Jesus will never leave us. And as difficult as I think my challenges are, there are those who have it much worse than I have.
So I am done with my rant. I have enough time to veg a little before work and that's exactly what I'm going to do.
Friday, August 26, 2011
Finally!
A day off tomorrow, which makes tonight even sweeter. Not that I'm going to stay up later than I normally do, but I don't have to go anywhere tomorrow if I don't want to. At this point of the game, I don't want to.
It's been kind of a tough week. It occurred to me yesterday that as much as we (the staff) don't like changes, the consumers don't like it, either. Behaviors will reflect that in them. After this mind-boggling revelation (ahem), things got better. I put myself in the consumer's shoes and tried to see things from their perspective. As soon as I did that, everything fell into place. I didn't want to run screaming from the building, anyway.
Home is always a sweet place to be. Even if Joel is sitting at the other end of the couch occupying his time with the newest app on his Droid 3, we're together. He actually is perfect for me because I like to read from my Kindle on my side of the couch. We both have our "alone" obsessions, but we're together when we do them. Does that make sense?
I think this is one of the many reasons we're going to be together forever. We truly understand one another.
It's been kind of a tough week. It occurred to me yesterday that as much as we (the staff) don't like changes, the consumers don't like it, either. Behaviors will reflect that in them. After this mind-boggling revelation (ahem), things got better. I put myself in the consumer's shoes and tried to see things from their perspective. As soon as I did that, everything fell into place. I didn't want to run screaming from the building, anyway.
Home is always a sweet place to be. Even if Joel is sitting at the other end of the couch occupying his time with the newest app on his Droid 3, we're together. He actually is perfect for me because I like to read from my Kindle on my side of the couch. We both have our "alone" obsessions, but we're together when we do them. Does that make sense?
I think this is one of the many reasons we're going to be together forever. We truly understand one another.
Wednesday, August 24, 2011
For some reason, work seems to be going to "hell in a hand-basket", as they say. It all started about a year ago when our Program Director was fired. Then it was one of our Direct Service Providers who was fired. Many of our DSPs have left us, our Program Coordinator, who I got along with really well, left for another home, and our new Program Director is due to give birth in less than a month. We have an interim nurse, who is gone more than she's there, and everything is falling into the hands of the three people left in the office. Nobody knows what's going on or who is responsible for what, yet we're supposed to just figure it out. The company has hired a Program Coordinator who was working in one of our other homes, but she's 19 years old!!! What experience could she possibly bring us?
I don't mean to sound so negative about work. I like my job. I like the fact that the consumers like me (most of the time, anyway). I don't necessarily want to find a different job. I just want the one I have to work as it always has.
Isn't that the same with most parts of our lives? We don't take to change very well. It may well be a blessing in disguise. It may be the best thing to happen to us. Yet we balk and complain (as I was just doing).
I will try to be positive. I will try to find the bigger picture in all this mess and thank God for the opportunity to grow. I will take many deep breaths throughout the day and pray for wisdom and guidance. (I may be taking a lot of deep breaths!)
If you think of it, pray for me. Pray for this business. And pray that godly men and women will be taking the positions that are unfilled. It would be such a pleasure to work with all Christians.
I'm tired and going to bed. Tomorrow is another day. (Thank God!)
I don't mean to sound so negative about work. I like my job. I like the fact that the consumers like me (most of the time, anyway). I don't necessarily want to find a different job. I just want the one I have to work as it always has.
Isn't that the same with most parts of our lives? We don't take to change very well. It may well be a blessing in disguise. It may be the best thing to happen to us. Yet we balk and complain (as I was just doing).
I will try to be positive. I will try to find the bigger picture in all this mess and thank God for the opportunity to grow. I will take many deep breaths throughout the day and pray for wisdom and guidance. (I may be taking a lot of deep breaths!)
If you think of it, pray for me. Pray for this business. And pray that godly men and women will be taking the positions that are unfilled. It would be such a pleasure to work with all Christians.
I'm tired and going to bed. Tomorrow is another day. (Thank God!)
Monday, August 22, 2011
Tuesday, August 23, 2011
(Meditation: Proverbs 3:5-6)
God, many times I want You to be on MY team. I want You to help MY will to be done. I want You to run interference, but I want to call the plays. God, forgive me for being in the wrong ball park. YOU call the signals. YOUR will be done in my life, as it is in heaven. In Jesus' name. Amen.
My day started out okay. For one thing, I thought I was supposed to work 1 - 8:30 with the ladies. When I got to work, found out I was actually going to be working with the new Program Coordinator and helping to train her (since I'm not a PC, not sure how that was supposed to work), AND I was working until 10:30. Ok. I can deal with that.
I had previous plans with one of the consumers to go to Faribault to visit her dad's grave and out to eat at A & W. I made sure all the meds were passed. I made sure the new employee had supper figured out. Very simple. Put it in the oven and heat it up. All she really had to do was spend some time with the consumers and get to know them. She had a daily schedule to work with, but all the programs had been taken care of.
Too simple. One of the male consumers, who is very attached to me, ran off to the grocery store and pushed carts around. He was mad that I wasn't there and he doesn't do well with new people. These past few weeks have been very tough on him because we've had so many staff changes. I can't even begin to think of how much stress and sadness he's dealing with. I should have known better than to leave the house, leaving him behind. Upper management became involved, who went to pick up the straying consumer.
I came back to a hideous mess. Everyone was in an uproar because I left the new employee alone, even though all she really had to do was sit with the consumers and get to know them. Read their profiles. Heat up supper. But a large part of me knew I was in the wrong when I think about it from her perspective. I apologized to her and let her know she would get all the support she needed during this transitional time.
And now I have a new responsibility...to do all the grocery shopping for the house. Oh joy. I do like shopping, especially when using other people's money, but when would be the best time to do this? Should I take a consumer with me?
So I am not going into work again without God's wisdom and grace. The drive into work is the best time to pray and ask for His help. And He knows I need His help. All the time.
Deep breath. Today is over and I am safely home. My peaceful place.
Most Assuredly Blessed,
Me
(Meditation: Proverbs 3:5-6)
God, many times I want You to be on MY team. I want You to help MY will to be done. I want You to run interference, but I want to call the plays. God, forgive me for being in the wrong ball park. YOU call the signals. YOUR will be done in my life, as it is in heaven. In Jesus' name. Amen.
My day started out okay. For one thing, I thought I was supposed to work 1 - 8:30 with the ladies. When I got to work, found out I was actually going to be working with the new Program Coordinator and helping to train her (since I'm not a PC, not sure how that was supposed to work), AND I was working until 10:30. Ok. I can deal with that.
I had previous plans with one of the consumers to go to Faribault to visit her dad's grave and out to eat at A & W. I made sure all the meds were passed. I made sure the new employee had supper figured out. Very simple. Put it in the oven and heat it up. All she really had to do was spend some time with the consumers and get to know them. She had a daily schedule to work with, but all the programs had been taken care of.
Too simple. One of the male consumers, who is very attached to me, ran off to the grocery store and pushed carts around. He was mad that I wasn't there and he doesn't do well with new people. These past few weeks have been very tough on him because we've had so many staff changes. I can't even begin to think of how much stress and sadness he's dealing with. I should have known better than to leave the house, leaving him behind. Upper management became involved, who went to pick up the straying consumer.
I came back to a hideous mess. Everyone was in an uproar because I left the new employee alone, even though all she really had to do was sit with the consumers and get to know them. Read their profiles. Heat up supper. But a large part of me knew I was in the wrong when I think about it from her perspective. I apologized to her and let her know she would get all the support she needed during this transitional time.
And now I have a new responsibility...to do all the grocery shopping for the house. Oh joy. I do like shopping, especially when using other people's money, but when would be the best time to do this? Should I take a consumer with me?
So I am not going into work again without God's wisdom and grace. The drive into work is the best time to pray and ask for His help. And He knows I need His help. All the time.
Deep breath. Today is over and I am safely home. My peaceful place.
Most Assuredly Blessed,
Me
Sunday, August 21, 2011
Visit with the Family
Today my grandson had a party for his 5th birthday. Since when did he become 5, anyway? That one really snuck up on me.
Anyway, a lot of my family was there and I had a genuinely good time. My daughter, who asked for space, and I were chatting about things as if there was nothing negative between us. Maybe it's because I didn't bring up any issues and just enjoyed the day. Maybe it's because I didn't force her hand. It was very nice...I actually didn't want to leave.
This precious little redhead is one of my granddaughters. Irish blood lines...can you tell? She's like a little wood nymph or a fairy...tiny and adorable.
And then there's the birthday boy (did I mention that he's 5 now?), squinting in the sun.
He also told me he's starting kindergarten in just a few days. Oh my. Wasn't it just yesterday that he was a baby? Why do the years fly by the older I get? It's like I'm on the downward slide of the roller coaster!
Most Assuredly Blessed,
Me
Anyway, a lot of my family was there and I had a genuinely good time. My daughter, who asked for space, and I were chatting about things as if there was nothing negative between us. Maybe it's because I didn't bring up any issues and just enjoyed the day. Maybe it's because I didn't force her hand. It was very nice...I actually didn't want to leave.
This precious little redhead is one of my granddaughters. Irish blood lines...can you tell? She's like a little wood nymph or a fairy...tiny and adorable.
And then there's the birthday boy (did I mention that he's 5 now?), squinting in the sun.
Most Assuredly Blessed,
Me
Saturday, August 20, 2011
I was looking up prayers on ways to win your husband over to Christ (mine wants to believe, but is the "Doubting Thomas" variety who has to see before he believes) and ended up reading an article on how to be submissive:
1 PETER 3 v 1- 2 Wives, in the same way be submissive to your husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives, when they see the purity and reverence of your lives. NIV
Or
1 PETER 3v 1- 2 Likewise, ye wives, be in subjection to your own husbands; that, if any obey not the word, they also may without the word be won by the conversation of the wives; while they behold your chaste conversation coupled with fear. KJV
Well, I learned something precious in this. Not so much the submissive part...there's a lot of insight into this that I need first...but that I'm not here to change anyone else. God is the only One who can change any of us, anyway. All I can do is pray and live the life before my husband that Christ wants me to live. Live it so my husband sees that you can be human, make mistakes, fall, and still be a Christian. Live it so he wants the same thing/Person as I have. Makes me think twice about some of the things I do or don't do.
You see, I haven't been to church in a long time. I even read a book about not wanting to go to church anymore. I thought it would be ok to just read the Word, which is on my Kindle, pray, and live the best I know how to live. Come to find out, there isn't ever going to be the perfect church this side of heaven and we need one another. I have gifts and talents that are being unused because I'm not fellowshipping with other believers and there are those out there who I need in my life. We're a family and I've been absent from the dinner table. Oh, how I need to be fed!
So, church it is. And a lesson in humility. All in one day. Imagine that. I CAN be teachable! lol I have a peace in my heart these days and I know it's because God is so near. As near as my whispering voice in His ear.
Most Assuredly Blessed,
Me
1 PETER 3 v 1- 2 Wives, in the same way be submissive to your husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives, when they see the purity and reverence of your lives. NIV
Or
1 PETER 3v 1- 2 Likewise, ye wives, be in subjection to your own husbands; that, if any obey not the word, they also may without the word be won by the conversation of the wives; while they behold your chaste conversation coupled with fear. KJV
Well, I learned something precious in this. Not so much the submissive part...there's a lot of insight into this that I need first...but that I'm not here to change anyone else. God is the only One who can change any of us, anyway. All I can do is pray and live the life before my husband that Christ wants me to live. Live it so my husband sees that you can be human, make mistakes, fall, and still be a Christian. Live it so he wants the same thing/Person as I have. Makes me think twice about some of the things I do or don't do.
You see, I haven't been to church in a long time. I even read a book about not wanting to go to church anymore. I thought it would be ok to just read the Word, which is on my Kindle, pray, and live the best I know how to live. Come to find out, there isn't ever going to be the perfect church this side of heaven and we need one another. I have gifts and talents that are being unused because I'm not fellowshipping with other believers and there are those out there who I need in my life. We're a family and I've been absent from the dinner table. Oh, how I need to be fed!
So, church it is. And a lesson in humility. All in one day. Imagine that. I CAN be teachable! lol I have a peace in my heart these days and I know it's because God is so near. As near as my whispering voice in His ear.
Most Assuredly Blessed,
Me
Friday, August 19, 2011
Wouldn't life be easier if we could pick and chose our families? I also think it's strange that we treat people we barely know much better than our own families. Maybe it's because the familiarity is there. Maybe because we know that in the end, love will win out. I can't say this enough...I wish I could go back to the past and change things. I didn't know at the time I was a strong woman and that someday I would be happy again.
But enough about that. I promised my beloved daughter I would give her space and I think part of that means not talking about this issue right now.
I did get a text from my daughter earlier today to tell me that my former father-in-law passed away. I feel badly for the family; not so sure how it affects me personally. It did make me realize, once again, how short life can be and we should make the most of every moment. A huge cliche, but very true nonetheless.
I have a very unique opportunity to make things right again and I'm not about to ruin it with any selfish thought I might have.
So I will talk about how much I'm loving being married. Every chance I get I throw the word "husband" about and found out this evening Joel has been doing the same things. (Huge smile) I've been single since 1990 and with each passing year, gave a little of that hope away that I would ever find someone who loved me as much as I loved him. God, you amaze me everyday! And not to be crude or anything, but running around naked with each other makes me feel a little naughty and a little innocent at the same time. Like we're a couple kids having fun with the joys of marriage and being ok with all of it. Hard to explain. Anyone reading this who is married will understand (I hope).
One thing I was reading today was about Adam and Eve and how they shared fellowship with God in the Garden before the Fall. It reminds me of how I am with God when I feel my life is right with Him. When I've messed up (and that's usually big time), I run from Him. Just like Adam and Eve did once they ate of the forbidden fruit. They knew their relationship had changed drastically with God and they ran from Him. I've done the same.
But now, I'm having fun. Sometimes I feel like we're a couple kids newly married and discovering just exactly what fun sex can be. At my age? Why not!
Most Assuredly Blessed,
Me
But enough about that. I promised my beloved daughter I would give her space and I think part of that means not talking about this issue right now.
I did get a text from my daughter earlier today to tell me that my former father-in-law passed away. I feel badly for the family; not so sure how it affects me personally. It did make me realize, once again, how short life can be and we should make the most of every moment. A huge cliche, but very true nonetheless.
I have a very unique opportunity to make things right again and I'm not about to ruin it with any selfish thought I might have.
So I will talk about how much I'm loving being married. Every chance I get I throw the word "husband" about and found out this evening Joel has been doing the same things. (Huge smile) I've been single since 1990 and with each passing year, gave a little of that hope away that I would ever find someone who loved me as much as I loved him. God, you amaze me everyday! And not to be crude or anything, but running around naked with each other makes me feel a little naughty and a little innocent at the same time. Like we're a couple kids having fun with the joys of marriage and being ok with all of it. Hard to explain. Anyone reading this who is married will understand (I hope).
One thing I was reading today was about Adam and Eve and how they shared fellowship with God in the Garden before the Fall. It reminds me of how I am with God when I feel my life is right with Him. When I've messed up (and that's usually big time), I run from Him. Just like Adam and Eve did once they ate of the forbidden fruit. They knew their relationship had changed drastically with God and they ran from Him. I've done the same.
But now, I'm having fun. Sometimes I feel like we're a couple kids newly married and discovering just exactly what fun sex can be. At my age? Why not!
Most Assuredly Blessed,
Me
Wednesday, August 17, 2011
A New Day
I woke up to sunshine and upper 80 degrees. In this air conditioned home it's misleading because I think it's nice out. When I get in my car with no A/C, I will know the truth. In this case, the truth will NOT set me free! I will be roasting alive in that vehicle for an entire ten minutes and that makes for a very cranky Val! I hate sweating; therefore, gyms and workouts are out for me as well. :-)
I've had a weekend off and it's back to work for me. I'm fine once I get there. The work itself isn't bad and I love joking around with the guys I work with. The latest thing is throwing a towel back and forth with J.L. - he laughs so hard at that, especially if the towel hits him in the face or when he actually catches the towel. R. B. might get in the action once in a while, but most of the time, he's telling us to stop fighting.
It sounds chaotic, but little things that make these guys laugh makes the day go by so much faster. I'm hoping and praying I don't have to shower J.L., though, because that always makes my back go into spasms. (I talk like an old lady.) It will be very nice when he'll be able to do these things by himself again.
I've had a weekend off and it's back to work for me. I'm fine once I get there. The work itself isn't bad and I love joking around with the guys I work with. The latest thing is throwing a towel back and forth with J.L. - he laughs so hard at that, especially if the towel hits him in the face or when he actually catches the towel. R. B. might get in the action once in a while, but most of the time, he's telling us to stop fighting.
It sounds chaotic, but little things that make these guys laugh makes the day go by so much faster. I'm hoping and praying I don't have to shower J.L., though, because that always makes my back go into spasms. (I talk like an old lady.) It will be very nice when he'll be able to do these things by himself again.
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