Well, that title pretty much sums it up. Between getting fired on the 6th of January and continuing to deal with health issues preventing me from working, this is getting old. I have gallbladder surgery coming up on the 27th of February, so hopefully that will take care of the health issues and I can get back to being gainfully employed.
I thank God for my understanding husband.
As for Joel, or love grows by leaps and bounds. It's such a spiritual bond; it's tighter than anything I've ever experienced in my life and nothing will ever come between us. We are forever together and that's such a great feeling. Yes, I waited over 50 years to find this, but it was totally worth it.
My relationships with my children are finding their niches as well. Ones that, I think, we're all getting more comfortable with. For a while, I didn't think some of us were going to survive, but we did and we're on the mend. I thank God and am grateful for His intervention. I love my children and grandchildren and great-grandchild so much...I don't think they have any idea how much. Family means so much to me, although I'm not sure the word "family" means as much to our family as I'd like it to mean.
When I was growing up, I always thought of our family as a close one. But as our family grew and had families of their own, I realized just how separated we've become. It saddens me to think holidays aren't spent together, neither are birthdays or other special occasions. I want it to happen, but since I'm not the glue that holds this family together, it doesn't get done. Everyone has their own lives now and I must accept that.
Can it be changed? I don't know.
A place to unload the worries of the day and celebrate the knowledge I am not alone in this crazy world!
Thursday, February 16, 2012
Monday, January 16, 2012
A thought for today:
Why are you living your life as though you are defeated? God wants you
to reach your potential. Potential means your capacity to
succeed. We all have potential in God .... the question is do we have
the mindset to reach it. You can never reach your God given
potential if you are steadily being pulled back by your past. By the
mindset of your past or the actions of your past. Understand today
that the opposite of potential is helpless, impossible, lacking or
unpromising. You will either live in one or the other. You will
either live with the knowledge of who God is and expect Him to fulfill
His promises in your life or you will live defeated. It's time to let
go of what was and know that God has a plan for you.
No....yesterday may not have turned out how you expected it to or how you even wanted it to. But today is a new day. You should have a new expectation. Your hope should be renewed. Don't live in disappointment when you know your Father knows what is best for you. He knows today and He knows tomorrow. He knows exactly what you need to see your through. He knows that what you are going through today is exactly what you will need to help someone else get through tomorrow. Your testimony is the tool that God will use to help strengthen others around you. There are people that God has assigned to your life specifically. That is why it is so important that you be and do what God has called you to be and do. When you truly understand that someone else's destiny is attached to yours.....you will begin to understand why it is so important for you to be in place.
Make it a point today to live up to your potential so that those whom God has assigned to your life will be able to step into their destiny.
I got this from Cathy's Corner, a blogger, and give all the credit for the words to her as she was led by the Lord.
Stop Living Defeated....God Wants You To Reach Your Potential Because Someone Else's Destiny Is Connected To Your Life ....
No....yesterday may not have turned out how you expected it to or how you even wanted it to. But today is a new day. You should have a new expectation. Your hope should be renewed. Don't live in disappointment when you know your Father knows what is best for you. He knows today and He knows tomorrow. He knows exactly what you need to see your through. He knows that what you are going through today is exactly what you will need to help someone else get through tomorrow. Your testimony is the tool that God will use to help strengthen others around you. There are people that God has assigned to your life specifically. That is why it is so important that you be and do what God has called you to be and do. When you truly understand that someone else's destiny is attached to yours.....you will begin to understand why it is so important for you to be in place.
Make it a point today to live up to your potential so that those whom God has assigned to your life will be able to step into their destiny.
I got this from Cathy's Corner, a blogger, and give all the credit for the words to her as she was led by the Lord.
Monday, December 26, 2011
CHRISTMAS POST-MOM
When I was a little girl, Christmas was always a time of great anticipation. We could hardly wait to bring home and decorate our real Christmas tree and pack it full of ornaments and tinsel. Then the presents under the tree...oh, the great presents! We would spend hours of stolen moments looking for the packages that had our names on them and wonder what was inside.
Finally, the day arrived. Aunts, uncles, cousins, and Grandma would descend upon us, everyone carrying more gifts and goodies. They always made us eat something good before we delved into the goodies, but I guess that was ok. Fastest sandwich we ever ate was eaten on Christmas Eve! We would all gather in our tiny living room, finding our spot to sit. Someone would be appointed as "Santa" (sometimes "Santa" would even come to our door and deliver a special gift) and the unwrapping would begin. Christmas was magic.
After Mom passed away, Christmas sort of did, too. This year my children all celebrated with their own families and Joel and I went to my son's house for dinner on Christmas day, otherwise, we passed gifts amongst ourselves. I guess it isn't about the gifts or how many people come to your house. I spent Christmas with my wonderful husband and I wouldn't want to be anyplace else. I do miss seeing the grandchildren open their presents, but hopefully there will be pictures to enjoy.
It's bittersweet. I wish Christmas could stay the same magical day it was when I was a child, but times change and new memories are formed. My prayer is that my grandchildren remember their holidays with as much fondness as I remember mine.
Hope yours was filled with many blessings and love!
Finally, the day arrived. Aunts, uncles, cousins, and Grandma would descend upon us, everyone carrying more gifts and goodies. They always made us eat something good before we delved into the goodies, but I guess that was ok. Fastest sandwich we ever ate was eaten on Christmas Eve! We would all gather in our tiny living room, finding our spot to sit. Someone would be appointed as "Santa" (sometimes "Santa" would even come to our door and deliver a special gift) and the unwrapping would begin. Christmas was magic.
After Mom passed away, Christmas sort of did, too. This year my children all celebrated with their own families and Joel and I went to my son's house for dinner on Christmas day, otherwise, we passed gifts amongst ourselves. I guess it isn't about the gifts or how many people come to your house. I spent Christmas with my wonderful husband and I wouldn't want to be anyplace else. I do miss seeing the grandchildren open their presents, but hopefully there will be pictures to enjoy.
It's bittersweet. I wish Christmas could stay the same magical day it was when I was a child, but times change and new memories are formed. My prayer is that my grandchildren remember their holidays with as much fondness as I remember mine.
Hope yours was filled with many blessings and love!
Sunday, December 18, 2011
NYC New York Color
(http://www.newyorkcolor.com)
I received this product complimentary to test through Influenster’s VoxBox program.
A beauty-editor favorite is Liquid Lipshine ($2.49). It has pure pigments that created a 3-D gloss effect. Vitamin E provides shine and a moisturizing feel. The formula is non-sticky, super shiny & soft. Available in 10 on-trend shades from neutral nudes, to berries & fuchsias. Start shopping for NYC at these stores nearest you: Walmart, Target, Rite Aid, CVS, Family Dollar, Duane Reade, Kmart, HEB, and others. Visit newyorkcolor.com to check out all shades and fun products from New York Color!
I received this product complimentary to test through Influenster’s VoxBox program.
NYC New York Color Liquid Lipshine
Straight from the city that never sleeps, NYC New York Color offers products with uptown style at down-to-earth prices, from $.99 - $4.99. The energy, style and color of New York City shines through the wide range of shades, textures and innovative products. NYC always delivers the most on-trend products & shades hot off the runway!A beauty-editor favorite is Liquid Lipshine ($2.49). It has pure pigments that created a 3-D gloss effect. Vitamin E provides shine and a moisturizing feel. The formula is non-sticky, super shiny & soft. Available in 10 on-trend shades from neutral nudes, to berries & fuchsias. Start shopping for NYC at these stores nearest you: Walmart, Target, Rite Aid, CVS, Family Dollar, Duane Reade, Kmart, HEB, and others. Visit newyorkcolor.com to check out all shades and fun products from New York Color!
imPRESS Press-on Manicure
You have to try this product...it's so easy to use and the color choices are great! Perfect for right before you leave for that party, work, or school because it doesn't take any time to dry. Check it out at www.impressmanicure.com.
You can get a salon-perfect manicure in seconds – simply peel off, press on, and you're done. There's no drying, a killer shine and a manicure that lasts up to a week! And, imPress is so easy to remove, you can change it up to match your mood as often as you want. Check out all 36 colors and patterns, including trendy brights, classic darks and animal prints. With imPress, your nails will always be your best accessory.
I received this product, along with many other products, complimentary to test through Influenster’s VoxBox program.
You can get a salon-perfect manicure in seconds – simply peel off, press on, and you're done. There's no drying, a killer shine and a manicure that lasts up to a week! And, imPress is so easy to remove, you can change it up to match your mood as often as you want. Check out all 36 colors and patterns, including trendy brights, classic darks and animal prints. With imPress, your nails will always be your best accessory.
imPress
Manicure retails for $5.99 for colors and $7.99 for patterns, and is
available at CVS, Rite Aid, Duane Reade, KMart, Walgreens, Walmart and
more. For a full list of online and in-store retailers, visit imPressManicure.com, where you can download an exclusive coupon and virtually try on all the colors and patterns!
I received this product, along with many other products, complimentary to test through Influenster’s VoxBox program.
Saturday, December 17, 2011
Influenster
I know...I hate commercials, too. But this idea really has me excited! I signed up for testing products through Influenster.com and just received my first box of full-sized products. No samples here! I received Softsoap exfoliating soap (2 full-size bars), NYC lip gloss, Mentos gum, and a bunch of other items. It's so much fun to open boxes of surprises and it's totally free!
VoxBoxes are themed packages of products mailed directly to qualified member’s homes. Boxes include a variety of products from top beauty, health, grooming, snack, beverage & lifestyle brands!
Influensters
are selected for themed shipments based on the types and levels of
badges they have unlocked, ensuring members receive products that match
their lifestyles and interests. Members with high Influenster rankings
are prioritized, so make sure to unlock as many Influence and Activity Badges as you can!
You can sign up at influenster.com. Let me know when you get your first box and tell me what you think!
Friday, December 16, 2011
Spent
I wish there was a way to take a break from everything. Even if I do get away for a few days, I still have my awesome mind trailing along. Work continues to be stressful, I have health issues I'm dealing with, family issues are clouding my mind and breaking my heart...when does it stop?
I guess never. God never promised us an easy life. In fact, He told us it was going to be hard. I wonder what people do who don't have the Lord in their lives? Talk about being alone! I think I'm just tired. If anyone has any ideas on how to relax and let go, please tell me how to do that!
I guess never. God never promised us an easy life. In fact, He told us it was going to be hard. I wonder what people do who don't have the Lord in their lives? Talk about being alone! I think I'm just tired. If anyone has any ideas on how to relax and let go, please tell me how to do that!
Tuesday, December 13, 2011
Kaila
I am so hurt by your comment. I've been through this before with Lindsay, but I never thought we would be standing on the same ground.
Wednesday, December 7, 2011
Relax
I spent a good 30 minutes on my knees in the bathroom, bleach cleaner in one hand and paper towels in the other. I organized all the things that were sitting on the side of the toilet and scrubbed everything down. After that, I gathered up all the trash and put it out for the garbage truck in the morning. Then I washed and dried a load of whites.
So what, you say? I have constant pain from fibromyalgia and degenerative disk disease and doing anything for 30 minutes in a row is a painful process. I have to remind myself that I'm not doing these things to please my husband (well, maybe a little), but because it pleases the Lord when I am taking care of things.
Did my husband notice the clean bathroom? Nope. What he did notice was that I didn't wash a complete load of whites (the basket was full, but apparently not full enough). Were my feelings a little hurt? Yep. But I'm also trying to learn not to let my emotions rule me and this was a good lesson for me to internalize it. To not play the martyr and give Joel the silent treatment when he doesn't jump for joy that I did the laundry. Why would I expect that? That's how I react when he does something nice for me, but he's not a woman. I doubt he even noticed the dust and grime in the bathroom.
So I'm blogging and relaxing. Smiling at him and giving him kisses as I normally do. Meek, gracious, loving, and kind. Being a woman is a tough job.
So what, you say? I have constant pain from fibromyalgia and degenerative disk disease and doing anything for 30 minutes in a row is a painful process. I have to remind myself that I'm not doing these things to please my husband (well, maybe a little), but because it pleases the Lord when I am taking care of things.
Did my husband notice the clean bathroom? Nope. What he did notice was that I didn't wash a complete load of whites (the basket was full, but apparently not full enough). Were my feelings a little hurt? Yep. But I'm also trying to learn not to let my emotions rule me and this was a good lesson for me to internalize it. To not play the martyr and give Joel the silent treatment when he doesn't jump for joy that I did the laundry. Why would I expect that? That's how I react when he does something nice for me, but he's not a woman. I doubt he even noticed the dust and grime in the bathroom.
So I'm blogging and relaxing. Smiling at him and giving him kisses as I normally do. Meek, gracious, loving, and kind. Being a woman is a tough job.
Tuesday, December 6, 2011
The Good Ol' American Way
Work.
That's really all I have to say. We wake up, get ready for the day, put in our 8 hours, and come home. The people in the trenches, like me, get paid a pittance compared to the office staff, which is bogus since we do the actual dirty work. If any of the office staff ever read this, they'd be angry, but they're lazy! They leave their dirty dishes all over the kitchen, which I clean because I hate the smell after awhile, and even use up the last of the toilet paper without replacing the roll. Maybe they think there's a toilet paper angel who comes around and makes everything right again. (Yea...me.) Or maybe I've taken on a few OCD tendencies from one of our consumers.
Don't get me wrong. I love what I do. Even the menial chores, like showering and toileting don't really bother me. I've established good relationships with the consumers so they trust me...that makes it so much easier. It's weird, but I actually miss them when I have a day off. I just wish everyone would do the same...do unto others and all that.
I work with some awesome staff, though. Other than the toilet paper roll and the dirty dishes, they're some of the nicest people I've ever worked with. I'm sure they have tons of things to do, unbeknownst to me, so I'm complaining about things I have no idea of. No one gossips or talks about things they shouldn't be. Our new girl is a breath of fresh air (she's about 20 and pregnant with her first baby), and the rest of the DSPs (Direct Service Professional) I've worked with since day 1.
So all in all, my job is a good one. First and foremost, I'm thankful I have a job. So many in this country don't and we need to be praying for those people.
That's really all I have to say. We wake up, get ready for the day, put in our 8 hours, and come home. The people in the trenches, like me, get paid a pittance compared to the office staff, which is bogus since we do the actual dirty work. If any of the office staff ever read this, they'd be angry, but they're lazy! They leave their dirty dishes all over the kitchen, which I clean because I hate the smell after awhile, and even use up the last of the toilet paper without replacing the roll. Maybe they think there's a toilet paper angel who comes around and makes everything right again. (Yea...me.) Or maybe I've taken on a few OCD tendencies from one of our consumers.
Don't get me wrong. I love what I do. Even the menial chores, like showering and toileting don't really bother me. I've established good relationships with the consumers so they trust me...that makes it so much easier. It's weird, but I actually miss them when I have a day off. I just wish everyone would do the same...do unto others and all that.
I work with some awesome staff, though. Other than the toilet paper roll and the dirty dishes, they're some of the nicest people I've ever worked with. I'm sure they have tons of things to do, unbeknownst to me, so I'm complaining about things I have no idea of. No one gossips or talks about things they shouldn't be. Our new girl is a breath of fresh air (she's about 20 and pregnant with her first baby), and the rest of the DSPs (Direct Service Professional) I've worked with since day 1.
So all in all, my job is a good one. First and foremost, I'm thankful I have a job. So many in this country don't and we need to be praying for those people.
Monday, December 5, 2011
Emotions
Today's reading has to do with our emotions and how we should handle them in our lives. I've always thought of myself as an even-tempered person, but that's only because I push my feelings down. When I become too full of them, I show my emotions as either anger or hurt. I get defensive, ready to do battle. I say things I don't mean and regret later. My attitude gets increasingly worse and it's hard to come back from that. I've done that since I was a child and learned how to be invisible. I'm just now accepting God's healing in this and learning to have a voice and be who I was meant to be. It's a process.
"A fool vents all his feelings, but a wise man holds them back." Proverbs 29:11
Today I will learn to walk in wisdom.
"A fool vents all his feelings, but a wise man holds them back." Proverbs 29:11
Today I will learn to walk in wisdom.
The Past and the Future
Sometimes I think writing about my daily life is worthless, but then I think about how valuable it would have been to have had a journal from one of my ancestors. I do wonder about their lives and what struggles and joys they faced. I wouldn't be here today if it weren't for them and I'd like to honor their lives somehow.
What was it like for them to leave their homes to come to a land they knew nothing about? My great-grandpa boarded a ship at a very early ago to come to America...he was barely old enough for facial hair! I'd like to know about how he and my great-grandma, Selma Anderson, met and fell in love. How did they handle their lives when the babies started coming?
Being Madison's great-grandma really brings the connections close to home for me. Did my great-grandparents get to see me, hold me, love me? The space of time between us is so short I can almost reach out and touch them. How I wish I could.
What was it like for them to leave their homes to come to a land they knew nothing about? My great-grandpa boarded a ship at a very early ago to come to America...he was barely old enough for facial hair! I'd like to know about how he and my great-grandma, Selma Anderson, met and fell in love. How did they handle their lives when the babies started coming?
Being Madison's great-grandma really brings the connections close to home for me. Did my great-grandparents get to see me, hold me, love me? The space of time between us is so short I can almost reach out and touch them. How I wish I could.
A Daughter's Decision
Ok, so she's an adult. She's been married to the same guy for quite some time and they brought three beautiful children into the world. But no matter how old she gets, she's still my little girl.
I wish I could make this decision for her. I wish I could foresee what the future holds for her. Sometimes I'd like to take her away from all the daily grind and have her be 6 years old again and all it would take was for me to rub her head to make her feel better.
I trust her. She's a strong woman and she and her husband will make the decision that is best for their family. In the long run, this will be a very good move for them. In the immediate future, though, she would have to say goodbye to him for at least a year.
I am praying for you, precious daughter. I am here for you anytime you need me.
I wish I could make this decision for her. I wish I could foresee what the future holds for her. Sometimes I'd like to take her away from all the daily grind and have her be 6 years old again and all it would take was for me to rub her head to make her feel better.
I trust her. She's a strong woman and she and her husband will make the decision that is best for their family. In the long run, this will be a very good move for them. In the immediate future, though, she would have to say goodbye to him for at least a year.
I am praying for you, precious daughter. I am here for you anytime you need me.
Thursday, November 10, 2011
Put it in a Box
Why do I feel the need to organize every little thing and contain it away in a container of some sort? Please explain it to my husband. His name is Joel. He doesn't "get it".
I don't know where this obsession comes from. My mother was a neat-freak and my dad came from a long line of disorganization and semi-hoarders. I always felt more comfortable with Dad's family, even though disorder causes my brain to feel overloaded and messy. This only happens when it's my own; other people can live how they want to and I don't even see the little (or big) messes that occupy their homes.
How can I explain this to Joel when I can't figure it out myself? It's not even that I'm that organized. I just figure if it's in a container, it's 'contained' and not spilling out everywhere. Problem is, now I have all these containers with unorganized "stuff" in them.
I'm hopeless.
I don't know where this obsession comes from. My mother was a neat-freak and my dad came from a long line of disorganization and semi-hoarders. I always felt more comfortable with Dad's family, even though disorder causes my brain to feel overloaded and messy. This only happens when it's my own; other people can live how they want to and I don't even see the little (or big) messes that occupy their homes.
How can I explain this to Joel when I can't figure it out myself? It's not even that I'm that organized. I just figure if it's in a container, it's 'contained' and not spilling out everywhere. Problem is, now I have all these containers with unorganized "stuff" in them.
I'm hopeless.
Sunday, November 6, 2011
Work...Blah Blah Blah
Had a very up-and-down day. I dealt with a very angry consumer because management took something away from him that he considers very important. Ok, so it's just chocolate milk. To him, though, it may as well be the world. He was ready to "kick our asses" and we were all "going to hell". He even got up out of his chair with his fist raised, ready to strike whichever staff happened to be in his way. That staff happened to be me.
I really love (insert sarcastic tone here) when management, etc., write up "pretty" programs for the consumers, then put it on us "lowly" staff to enforce the new rules. They aren't the ones who work directly with them; they just want everything to look good for the government and to cover their own agendas.
Work dominates my mind. I hate and despise working for and under other people. Working with folks who deal with mental illness and developmental delays/issues is stressful enough without having "bosses" undermining what we do.
I'm still reeling over her self-righteous and condescending attitude of the interim LPN at the staff meeting last week. I literally thought she was going to jump on top of the table and slap us all with neglect charges (one of the consumers lost one of his hearing aids and this was the first she heard of it. It was written in the staff notes, which she says everyone should read, but also said that wasn't sufficient because she doesn't read the staff notes. Aren't they there for communication between us? Maybe she should follow her own hard-and-fast rules.) She had valid points, but she handled it without tact and without any motivating factors at all.
We are supposed to be near perfect in all aspects of our job: programs, diets, medications, cleaning, laundry, stubborn, angry consumers, incontinence of every kind, following strict menus and guidelines, dealing with families...the list could go one and on. At times I think my every move is not just questioned, but criticized. It's very frustrating.
There's no direction. Almost everyone is temporary and their focus is somewhere else. We're floundering and have no one to throw us an anchor. Other than band together and create a mutiny of sorts, I'm not sure there's anything we can do about it. And personally? I'm paid less than anyone there, even though I've been there for over a year and people have been hired after me.
It's not anything I want to do, but maybe I should check into another company. I might as well get paid more for doing the same thing.
I really love (insert sarcastic tone here) when management, etc., write up "pretty" programs for the consumers, then put it on us "lowly" staff to enforce the new rules. They aren't the ones who work directly with them; they just want everything to look good for the government and to cover their own agendas.
Work dominates my mind. I hate and despise working for and under other people. Working with folks who deal with mental illness and developmental delays/issues is stressful enough without having "bosses" undermining what we do.
I'm still reeling over her self-righteous and condescending attitude of the interim LPN at the staff meeting last week. I literally thought she was going to jump on top of the table and slap us all with neglect charges (one of the consumers lost one of his hearing aids and this was the first she heard of it. It was written in the staff notes, which she says everyone should read, but also said that wasn't sufficient because she doesn't read the staff notes. Aren't they there for communication between us? Maybe she should follow her own hard-and-fast rules.) She had valid points, but she handled it without tact and without any motivating factors at all.
We are supposed to be near perfect in all aspects of our job: programs, diets, medications, cleaning, laundry, stubborn, angry consumers, incontinence of every kind, following strict menus and guidelines, dealing with families...the list could go one and on. At times I think my every move is not just questioned, but criticized. It's very frustrating.
There's no direction. Almost everyone is temporary and their focus is somewhere else. We're floundering and have no one to throw us an anchor. Other than band together and create a mutiny of sorts, I'm not sure there's anything we can do about it. And personally? I'm paid less than anyone there, even though I've been there for over a year and people have been hired after me.
It's not anything I want to do, but maybe I should check into another company. I might as well get paid more for doing the same thing.
Tuesday, November 1, 2011
It's Real and it's True
We find ways to show our love for each other.
Love is an action word. It's what we do, not how we feel.
Love is a gift, one to cherish and open often. It's inspiration for me to be better.
I have been sick for the last week. Yesterday I went to the doctor and was prescribed medication for the nausea I've had, but felt so sick I just wanted to get home. Needless to say, I didn't get out to pick it up. My wonderful husband left early for work to go pick it up for me. I know it's a smallish thing, but it meant the world to me. I am very blessed to have him in my life.
Love is an action word. It's what we do, not how we feel.
Love is a gift, one to cherish and open often. It's inspiration for me to be better.
I have been sick for the last week. Yesterday I went to the doctor and was prescribed medication for the nausea I've had, but felt so sick I just wanted to get home. Needless to say, I didn't get out to pick it up. My wonderful husband left early for work to go pick it up for me. I know it's a smallish thing, but it meant the world to me. I am very blessed to have him in my life.
Tuesday, September 27, 2011
How I Want My Life to Be
More organized at work and at home
Full of kindness, from me and from others toward me
Serene, an inner peace that shines from me to others
Full of fun and a personal sense of humor
Loving
Trusting
More family time, with mutual love and respect
More energy to do the things I want to do
Healthy choices in my food, drink, and decisions
A fuller spiritual life
Light that generates outward
Learn how to cook and learn to enjoy it
An ability to stand up for myself more
More confidence
Yes, it's a big list. And a very energetic one at that! I don't expect to take care of these things in the next month. I don't even know if it can be done in the next year. But I want to start. Even if I make a small change here and there, eventually my life will be as I want it to be. And I don't expect to be doing this on my own, either. I will have the help of both my wonderful husband and loving Father...how can I go wrong?
Full of kindness, from me and from others toward me
Serene, an inner peace that shines from me to others
Full of fun and a personal sense of humor
Loving
Trusting
More family time, with mutual love and respect
More energy to do the things I want to do
Healthy choices in my food, drink, and decisions
A fuller spiritual life
Light that generates outward
Learn how to cook and learn to enjoy it
An ability to stand up for myself more
More confidence
Yes, it's a big list. And a very energetic one at that! I don't expect to take care of these things in the next month. I don't even know if it can be done in the next year. But I want to start. Even if I make a small change here and there, eventually my life will be as I want it to be. And I don't expect to be doing this on my own, either. I will have the help of both my wonderful husband and loving Father...how can I go wrong?
Thursday, September 22, 2011
Be Anxious For Nothing
How do I get to the point where I no longer feel guilty for things that happened in the past? I've had first-hand knowledge of needing to forgive someone a grave injustice, yet I have yet to be forgiven.
Seriously, I was an abused woman who had extremely low self-esteem. I couldn't even pick out my own friends, for Pete's sake. Anyone who's been in that situation understands how I could "allow" the abuses in our lives. Those were dark, dark times. Again, I take the blame and the fury accompanying it. I was left behind to pick up the pieces while my ex-husband sat back and earned a college degree, (free for him, mind you) in his prison cell. Doesn't seem quite right. Can someone explain this to me?
I get angry when I think about it. I love each of my children and know they are extremely talented, gifted adults. But unless I pick up the phone and call one of them, I don't hear from them at all. And even then, it's to tell me I haven't called in a long time and they are hurt by that. I see other people get loving attention from their children, no matter how many mistakes they made, and it just makes me sad. I miss them.
I have prayed over this situation and I have to be patient. I know God is working all things together for me and He has a different perspective on this than I do. If I'm feeling anxious, I need to lay it at His feet and allow Him to continue the work I know He's already started.
I really just want my family back.
Seriously, I was an abused woman who had extremely low self-esteem. I couldn't even pick out my own friends, for Pete's sake. Anyone who's been in that situation understands how I could "allow" the abuses in our lives. Those were dark, dark times. Again, I take the blame and the fury accompanying it. I was left behind to pick up the pieces while my ex-husband sat back and earned a college degree, (free for him, mind you) in his prison cell. Doesn't seem quite right. Can someone explain this to me?
I get angry when I think about it. I love each of my children and know they are extremely talented, gifted adults. But unless I pick up the phone and call one of them, I don't hear from them at all. And even then, it's to tell me I haven't called in a long time and they are hurt by that. I see other people get loving attention from their children, no matter how many mistakes they made, and it just makes me sad. I miss them.
I have prayed over this situation and I have to be patient. I know God is working all things together for me and He has a different perspective on this than I do. If I'm feeling anxious, I need to lay it at His feet and allow Him to continue the work I know He's already started.
I really just want my family back.
Tuesday, September 20, 2011
Random Thoughts
All the planning in the world would not have prepared me for this.
I don't have any reason to think of this...it just popped into my head today. I have a lot of those kind of thoughts. The brain is a crazy thing when it comes to something random. Where do these thoughts originate? How do they become thoughts? You can't get your mind to think of nothing. Even if you did, you'd be thinking about thinking nothing.
Went grocery shopping for the home today with one of the consumers. It's always fun to take a person shopping who has Down's Syndrome and an OCD personality; he thinks it's okay to talk to every person he comes in contact with. The fact that he doesn't know that particular person doesn't matter to him. People are really nice and will reciprocate conversation, but it makes for a long trip around the store.
People who have Down's Syndrome are my favorite people in the world. So happy and so helpful. We could all take a lesson in how to be from someone with Down's. What do they have that I don't have? Do I know anyone who is happy more than they're not?
I don't have any reason to think of this...it just popped into my head today. I have a lot of those kind of thoughts. The brain is a crazy thing when it comes to something random. Where do these thoughts originate? How do they become thoughts? You can't get your mind to think of nothing. Even if you did, you'd be thinking about thinking nothing.
Went grocery shopping for the home today with one of the consumers. It's always fun to take a person shopping who has Down's Syndrome and an OCD personality; he thinks it's okay to talk to every person he comes in contact with. The fact that he doesn't know that particular person doesn't matter to him. People are really nice and will reciprocate conversation, but it makes for a long trip around the store.
People who have Down's Syndrome are my favorite people in the world. So happy and so helpful. We could all take a lesson in how to be from someone with Down's. What do they have that I don't have? Do I know anyone who is happy more than they're not?
Saturday, September 10, 2011
Sorrowful
I have had time to consider the mistakes I made in the past, mistakes I made as a mother. I have had time to think of those mistakes from my adult child's point of view. And as much as I'd like to hate myself for those mistake, I can't. It wasn't about me. I was a bit player in a horrible play that I didn't know how to get out of.
As painful as it is, I've had to put myself in my children's eyes and see the life they were forced to live. They had no choice but endure the back and forth life they lived (one minute we were fine and the next minute, there was utter chaos). I had the choice, but chose to stay out of fear. I was weak and pretty much useless, but again I revert back to myself.
Evil was so tricky, so deceitful. He did his best to put a wedge between my children and I. For the most part, he has succeeded. I rebelled after he was gone, even though he had beaten me down so badly I didn't even have a sense of who I was. My children were the real victims here, even though they've turned into amazing adults and are NOT victims in the usual sense.
I truly mourn for their losses. I cringe inside as I think of what they endured, during Evil's presence and after he was gone. I did play a large part of this, even if it wasn't intentional. Where was I when they were living on the streets? Where was I when my precious daughter thought I hated her and blamed her for all the changes that were happening in our lives? Where was I when my only son wasn't allowed to sit on the furniture or when I came home from work to see the results of an earlier beating?
The truth hurts. These were my babies! I should have protected them from Evil. I should have stood between them and gotten us out of there, no matter the cost. I can't say why I stayed. Being so far away from it now, none of it makes any sense. It's a classic case of a wife being physically and emotionally abused, so much so that I didn't know what was right and what was wrong. My views on life were definitely skewed. I'm not sure which was worse, when Evil lived with us or when he was gone and I was let loose.
I know all this is going to be resolved. I know I will win the trust of my family again. I'm not the same person I was when all this was going on. I mean, it's been since 1990! I'm not really sure why this is being brought to the surface now, but I'm sure God has a plan for my family.
Weeping may endure for a night, But joy comes in the morning. Psalm 30:5.
As painful as it is, I've had to put myself in my children's eyes and see the life they were forced to live. They had no choice but endure the back and forth life they lived (one minute we were fine and the next minute, there was utter chaos). I had the choice, but chose to stay out of fear. I was weak and pretty much useless, but again I revert back to myself.
Evil was so tricky, so deceitful. He did his best to put a wedge between my children and I. For the most part, he has succeeded. I rebelled after he was gone, even though he had beaten me down so badly I didn't even have a sense of who I was. My children were the real victims here, even though they've turned into amazing adults and are NOT victims in the usual sense.
I truly mourn for their losses. I cringe inside as I think of what they endured, during Evil's presence and after he was gone. I did play a large part of this, even if it wasn't intentional. Where was I when they were living on the streets? Where was I when my precious daughter thought I hated her and blamed her for all the changes that were happening in our lives? Where was I when my only son wasn't allowed to sit on the furniture or when I came home from work to see the results of an earlier beating?
The truth hurts. These were my babies! I should have protected them from Evil. I should have stood between them and gotten us out of there, no matter the cost. I can't say why I stayed. Being so far away from it now, none of it makes any sense. It's a classic case of a wife being physically and emotionally abused, so much so that I didn't know what was right and what was wrong. My views on life were definitely skewed. I'm not sure which was worse, when Evil lived with us or when he was gone and I was let loose.
I know all this is going to be resolved. I know I will win the trust of my family again. I'm not the same person I was when all this was going on. I mean, it's been since 1990! I'm not really sure why this is being brought to the surface now, but I'm sure God has a plan for my family.
Weeping may endure for a night, But joy comes in the morning. Psalm 30:5.
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