Family

Family is a complicated concept.  Are you forced to love family because they are family or can you walk away because they just don't "work" for you anymore?  Love is work; it isn't just a good feeling and can be taken away when you're irritated with someone.

I've recently experienced a breakup of sorts with one of my daughters.  I can't figure out if she's angry because I posted my opinion online about a touchy subject or if I couldn't attend her daughter's birthday pool party because I didn't have the money.  She told me, online for the world to see, to stay out of her life and to not contact her any longer.  Now I have to go through her to talk to my grandchildren and I haven't been given permission to visit with them yet.  She won't talk to me.  She thinks I'm bi-polar and has divided, or is trying to divide, the rest of the family to go for one side or the other. 

Maybe I'm ignorant.  Maybe I do live my life with my head in the sand.  But I just don't understand why she's so angry and why she no longer loves me...her own mother.  We are on opposite ends politically...so what?  A lot of families are that way.  We don't see eye to eye on religion...that's not unusual, either.  But we're both adults and I thought we could handle adult conversations with differing views.

She intimidates me.  The problem is, she knows it and uses it to her advantage.  She's always been much stronger than me.  I can't even tell her that I love her (I did that once and she told me to stop telling her and her family that I love them, that it irritates her).

If you're wondering if this kind of rejection can break your heart, it can.  Literally.  I may be going crazy.  I may even be bi-polar.  But isn't that something that needs some understanding?  I understand that my daughter is going through some things of her own right now and can't devote her time to my issues, but does that mean leaving me behind totally?

And yes, we've gone through this before.  I've given her space and I thought we had resolved our issues.  Then this happens again, seemingly out of the blue.  I don't get it.

I'm having a total hysterectomy on April 30th, which happens to be this daughter's birthday.  A little ironic.  She won't be there for me, of course.  At this point, she could care less.  As for me, the biggest thing is that it bothers me a lot.  A LOT.  I love her so much and this is tearing me up inside.

I have to stop writing for now and go bury my head again.  The pain is too intense.