Two more days and I have surgery again.  This time it's for a complete hysterectomy, including ovaries and fallopian tubes, and a bladder sling.  I'm more nervous about this one.  I know the recovery time is much less that if I had the surgery the old way (where they cut through your abdomen), but I'm looking at at least 6 weeks of recovery time.  Without help.  I'm just going to have to do what I have to do.

Deep breaths.  Praise God for His mercy and grace.  Run to Him for help, because He promised to never leave me.

She calls me a stalker because I follow her on social sites on the internet.  It's the only way I can see her at the moment.  I can't help myself.  I tell myself to just leave her alone, to give her space, but then I need to see what she's saying and doing.  I think of it as a death because right now I have no access to her.  I wonder if she knows just how much she is hurting me right now.  I wonder if she cares, even a little.  Probably not.  She probably thinks it's rather funny.

I want to move on.  I don't know how to let go.  She's my child.  I think of carrying her, giving birth to her, the moments when she was a baby...always so happy and giggling all the time.  She has such a funny sense of humor and I miss that.  I miss her.

Why do I have this tendency to hang onto hurts like this?  Why can't I leave it alone and let God handle it?  I tell Him I will and then I still cry when I see her comments, especially the ones I know are directed at me.  I can't even defend myself to her.

I find out from my husband's sister, of all people, that my daughter is thinking of moving to where her husband works...either North or South Dakota.  When was she planning to tell me, if ever?  I have three grandchildren, who I love very much and would miss terribly, to think about.  Was she going to move and then tell me she was gone?  Or give that responsibility to someone else?  I don't have a problem with her moving to be with Donny; she should.  It's a huge thing to only see your husband one weekend a month.  I would like her to tell me of her plans, though, not hear it from my sister-in-law.  This news was verified through someone else, too, so I know she's been talking about it.

I just miss my daughter.  Lord, I need Your help.

I can't believe how good the Lord is, how perfect His timing is.  This morning a friend sent a Scripture through a Facebook page she created and I know it was a word meant for me:

But from everlasting to everlasting
   the LORD’s love is with those who fear him,
   and his righteousness with their children’s children—Psalm 103:17 NIV

God's righteousness is with my children's children...do you know how much this means to me?


I'm borrowing a lot today; this comes from David Stephens:

God permits into your life the things He could have prevented. There’s no point in second guessing any of your past decisions, because there’s no point in second guessing God. What’s done is done. At issue is not all of the “what” in your life, but rather the “why.” Why didn’t God stop you from making poor choices? Why did He allow overwhelming circumstances into your life that were not of your own doing?

Some people consider asking God “why” as sacrilege. But answers never take hold in your life without you first asking the questions. The purpose of living—the right and wrong, the good and bad, the ups and downs—is to give you a deeper revelation of Jesus in the moment. Once you recognize Jesus in the midst of the “right now,” you’ll begin to see life working for you and not against. God only permits into your life exactly what you need to keep you near to Jesus. – David Stephens

I have blamed myself enough for mistakes I've made as a parent.  I've forgiven my parents for the mistakes they've made.  There needs to be an end to the pattern that has gone back generations in our family for these same kinds of mistakes; the ones that have occurred throughout the generations: alcoholism and other addictions, abuses of all kinds, neglectful parenting.  It took me a lifetime and the death of my mother to understand this.  I wish I could save my children the agony and pain of getting to this point, but I guess they have their own path to acceptance and forgiveness.

 It's difficult, sometimes, to understand the concept of the Lord allowing certain things to happen, but he was with me through it all.  He was with my children through all the things that happened to them.  He wept with us.  There is a plan that is in place and we will come out victors through it.  We are who we are because of some of these things.  Maybe it's part of the plan the Lord has for us to do.  I don't know.  I do know God turns all things into good and He has a definite plan for each of us as we learn to trust Him.

I also trust Him for my children and my children's children and all future generations that may come.  Thank You, Lord, for Your mercies are eternal and Your love endures forever!

What shall I write for today?  I texted my previously-written-about-daughter about the letters I sent to the children to see if they arrived...all she texted back was "NO!", as if it were my fault the mail didn't arrive on the day I thought it should have.  Another "promise" broken, apparently. 

I don't know why she won't talk to me.  I don't know what's going on in her life.  I don't know why she hates me.  Mothers don't always do the right thing by their children; sometimes we make huge mistakes.  But that doesn't mean we get to hate our mothers.  I sometimes think I'm getting paid back for treating my mother the way I did.  I'm crying much more than I ever have, even after my mother died, because this is something that can be fixed and she refuses to let me fix it.  Will time heal this?  I don't know this time.  I apparently irritate her too much right now. 

I don't want to "break up" with my daughter.  I want to "break up" with stress.  What with being fired from my job, having my gall bladder removed and recovering slowly, being in pain all the time, having my daughter hating me, facing a total hysterectomy in two weeks, and having no money to speak of (thank you, my wonderful and generous husband for taking care of all the finances right now...I love you very much), there are times I just want to give up.  Life is so hard!  How can I bare it? 

The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh...blessed be the Name of the Lord.

I did something I've never done before...I picked up the phone and called my sister.  She is also a Christian and just allowed me to cry and talk.  She listened, which is exactly what I needed.  We talked about everything and nothing and God and the Bible and it worked!  I hung up with renewal in my heart and a smile on my lips.  Thank you, Debby.  You are a blessing in my life and I love you.

Another hurdle handled.

Family

Family is a complicated concept.  Are you forced to love family because they are family or can you walk away because they just don't "work" for you anymore?  Love is work; it isn't just a good feeling and can be taken away when you're irritated with someone.

I've recently experienced a breakup of sorts with one of my daughters.  I can't figure out if she's angry because I posted my opinion online about a touchy subject or if I couldn't attend her daughter's birthday pool party because I didn't have the money.  She told me, online for the world to see, to stay out of her life and to not contact her any longer.  Now I have to go through her to talk to my grandchildren and I haven't been given permission to visit with them yet.  She won't talk to me.  She thinks I'm bi-polar and has divided, or is trying to divide, the rest of the family to go for one side or the other. 

Maybe I'm ignorant.  Maybe I do live my life with my head in the sand.  But I just don't understand why she's so angry and why she no longer loves me...her own mother.  We are on opposite ends politically...so what?  A lot of families are that way.  We don't see eye to eye on religion...that's not unusual, either.  But we're both adults and I thought we could handle adult conversations with differing views.

She intimidates me.  The problem is, she knows it and uses it to her advantage.  She's always been much stronger than me.  I can't even tell her that I love her (I did that once and she told me to stop telling her and her family that I love them, that it irritates her).

If you're wondering if this kind of rejection can break your heart, it can.  Literally.  I may be going crazy.  I may even be bi-polar.  But isn't that something that needs some understanding?  I understand that my daughter is going through some things of her own right now and can't devote her time to my issues, but does that mean leaving me behind totally?

And yes, we've gone through this before.  I've given her space and I thought we had resolved our issues.  Then this happens again, seemingly out of the blue.  I don't get it.

I'm having a total hysterectomy on April 30th, which happens to be this daughter's birthday.  A little ironic.  She won't be there for me, of course.  At this point, she could care less.  As for me, the biggest thing is that it bothers me a lot.  A LOT.  I love her so much and this is tearing me up inside.

I have to stop writing for now and go bury my head again.  The pain is too intense.