How I Want My Life to Be

More organized at work and at home
Full of kindness, from me and from others toward me
Serene, an inner peace that shines from me to others
Full of fun and a personal sense of humor
Loving
Trusting
More family time, with mutual love and respect
More energy to do the things I want to do
Healthy choices in my food, drink, and decisions
A fuller spiritual life
Light that generates outward
Learn how to cook and learn to enjoy it
An ability to stand up for myself more
More confidence

Yes, it's a big list.  And a very energetic one at that!  I don't expect to take care of these things in the next month.  I don't even know if it can be done in the next year.  But I want to start.  Even if I make a small change here and there, eventually my life will be as I want it to be.  And I don't expect to be doing this on my own, either.  I will have the help of both my wonderful husband and loving Father...how can I go wrong?

Be Anxious For Nothing

How do I get to the point where I no longer feel guilty for things that happened in the past?  I've had first-hand knowledge of needing to forgive someone a grave injustice, yet I have yet to be forgiven. 

Seriously, I was an abused woman who had extremely low self-esteem.  I couldn't even pick out my own friends, for Pete's sake.  Anyone who's been in that situation understands how I could "allow" the abuses in our lives. Those were dark, dark times.  Again, I take the blame and the fury accompanying it.  I was left behind to pick up the pieces while my ex-husband sat back and earned a college degree, (free for him, mind you) in his prison cell.  Doesn't seem quite right.  Can someone explain this to me?

I get angry when I think about it.  I love each of my children and know they are extremely talented, gifted adults.  But unless I pick up the phone and call one of them, I don't hear from them at all.  And even then, it's to tell me I haven't called in a long time and they are hurt by that.  I see other people get loving attention from their children, no matter how many mistakes they made, and it just makes me sad.  I miss them.  

I have prayed over this situation and I have to be patient.  I know God is working all things together for me and He has a different perspective on this than I do.  If I'm feeling anxious, I need to lay it at His feet and allow Him to continue the work I know He's already started.

I really just want my family back.

Random Thoughts

All the planning in the world would not have prepared me for this.

I don't have any reason to think of this...it just popped into my head today.  I have a lot of those kind of thoughts.  The brain is a crazy thing when it comes to something random.  Where do these thoughts originate?  How do they become thoughts?  You can't get your mind to think of nothing.  Even if you did, you'd be thinking about thinking nothing.

Went grocery shopping for the home today with one of the consumers.  It's always fun to take a person shopping who has Down's Syndrome and an OCD personality; he thinks it's okay to talk to every person he comes in contact with.  The fact that he doesn't know that particular person doesn't matter to him.  People are really nice and will reciprocate conversation, but it makes for a long trip around the store.

People who have Down's Syndrome are my favorite people in the world.  So happy and so helpful.  We could all take a lesson in how to be from someone with Down's.  What do they have that I don't have?  Do I know anyone who is happy more than they're not?

Sorrowful

I have had time to consider the mistakes I made in the past, mistakes I made as a mother.  I have had time to think of those mistakes from my adult child's point of view.  And as much as I'd like to hate myself for those mistake, I can't.  It wasn't about me.  I was a bit player in a horrible play that I didn't know how to get out of.

As painful as it is, I've had to put myself in my children's eyes and see the life they were forced to live.  They had no choice but endure the back and forth life they lived (one minute we were fine and the next minute, there was utter chaos).  I had the choice, but chose to stay out of fear.  I was weak and pretty much useless, but again I revert back to myself.


Evil was so tricky, so deceitful.  He did his best to put a wedge between my children and I.  For the most part, he has succeeded.  I rebelled after he was gone, even though he had beaten me down so badly I didn't even have a sense of who I was.  My children were the real victims here, even though they've turned into amazing adults and are NOT victims in the usual sense.

I truly mourn for their losses.  I cringe inside as I think of what they endured, during Evil's presence and after he was gone.  I did play a large part of this, even if it wasn't intentional.  Where was I when they were living on the streets?  Where was I when my precious daughter thought I hated her and blamed her for all the changes that were happening in our lives?  Where was I when my only son wasn't allowed to sit on the furniture or when I came home from work to see the results of an earlier beating?

The truth hurts.  These were my babies!  I should have protected them from Evil.  I should have stood between them and gotten us out of there, no matter the cost.  I can't say why I stayed.  Being so far away from it now, none of it makes any sense.  It's a classic case of a wife being physically and emotionally abused, so much so that I didn't know what was right and what was wrong.  My views on life were definitely skewed.  I'm not sure which was worse, when Evil lived with us or when he was gone and I was let loose.

I know all this is going to be resolved.  I know I will win the trust of my family again.  I'm not the same person I was when all this was going on.  I mean, it's been since 1990!  I'm not really sure why this is being brought to the surface now, but I'm sure God has a plan for my family. 

Weeping may endure for a night, But joy comes in the morning. Psalm 30:5.

Computer Challenged

If there's any time in my life I feel stupid, it's when I try to do anything on the computer.  Other than turn it on and make it work, that is.  I just spent over an hour copying pics from my old laptop to my new laptop so I can give the old laptop to my grandchildren.  Even writing the sentence sounds conglomerated, doesn't it?  If it weren't for Joel sitting next to me and directing me through the process, I never would have gotten it done.

Why is this?  I'm a smart person otherwise, but when it comes to doing "new" (to me) things on the computer, I get tense and feel stupid.  I know it isn't because Joel is helping me; we've always been who we are to one another and there's no need for pretense.  Where are these voices coming from, anyway?

Now that everything is done, I feel better.  I can bring the computer to my daughter's house and feel confident I have everything I need from it.  I'm glad the kids will be able to use it.  I'm hoping they use it for homework, but more than likely there will be more games on it than anything else.  Still, it's nice when I can do something to improve their lives.  With eleven grandchildren and one great-granddaughter, that's a tad challenging!

Kindle Troubles

I was having some problems adding new books from Amazon to my Kindle, so I did what any red-blooded reader would do.  I de-registered and registered it again.  I can be so lame sometimes.  I mean, what would I do without books to read?  Come to find out, when you do that, all the 199 books I had on my Kindle were wiped out.  I hesitate to use the word "devastate", as I try to reserve that for tornadoes, earthquakes and such, but I was upset. 

When I woke up this morning and checked my Kindle, I found all my books were back on there.  Oh, happy day!  I can go to work with a smile in my heart again.

I really am an avid bookworm, aren't I?  Either that or a big dork.  At least I can read.

It Just Keeps Getting Better

I knew I would enjoy being married again.  I always thought I was meant for marriage.  I just didn't find the right one until Joel.  He is so good to me.

Like this morning, for instance.  I got up and noticed a big box sitting in the middle of the floor.  Joel told me a couple days ago there would be a package coming, a surprise for me.  I figured this package was that surprise.  But then, Joel gets a lot of packages in the mail, so I waited.  He handed me a knife to open the box.  Woo hoo!  It was for me this time.  Little did I know.

I opened the box and saw the words "The PC is Personal Again" and knew right away it was a laptop.  Wow!  I had figured I'd have to wait until I saved up enough money to get another laptop.  There wasn't anything horribly wrong with the one I had, but it was at least 3 years old.  Everyone knows computers become dinosaurs very quickly and I had come to the point where I almost named mine Dino.

This doesn't mean I love Joel more for buying me a laptop.  It could have been anything in that box and I would've been happy.  BUT A LAPTOP???  He surprises me all the time.  All I had to do was believe I was worthy of a good man and God supplied the rest.

I love Joel, I love his family, and I love our life together.  It doesn't get any better than this.

Joel's family came over to help him put up a shed.  All the guys were putting up the shed and food just kept appearing from the women.  It was so nice.  The day was beautiful, the shed got put up, and everyone had their fill of food.  I couldn't have asked for a better family to marry into.

I had to leave early to go to work (double time for the holiday), but the time I did share with nieces and nephews, sister-in-law, mother-in-law, and kids was so much fun.

I always had dreams of this type of thing...only it would be my family coming for the big bunch of food and fun.  I'm still hoping it can happen someday.  My family is fractured, but even serious breaks can heal. 

Love covers a multitude of sins...or so the Bible says.  I hope the hurts my children experienced in their lives can be healed.  I cover each one with God's love and mercy.

Questions with No Answers

The weekends go by so quickly.  Too quickly.  Wasn't it just minutes ago that I told myself "oh, good...it's Friday night and I have two days off"?  Why can't the weekdays pass that fast?

I sometimes wonder if I could get by on disability.  The fibromyalgia and degenerative disk disease is making it harder and harder to do the work I'm supposed to be doing.  I can't stand for more than 5 or 10 minutes at a time before my back feels like a brick is pressing down on my spine.  My meds make me sleepy and the fibromyalgia does crazy things to my concentration.  Is it fair to the consumers who count on me to get things done?  Is it fair to me to put my body through things that make it hurt so much?

Why can't I just wake up and feel normal for once?

Lots of questions with no answers.  I know Jesus bore my pain on the cross, so why do I still hurt?  Am I reaping what I've sowed?  Do I need to change the way I speak about my body and how it feels?

Faith is a funny thing sometimes.  I can have faith to move mountains for other people, but when I need to have faith for myself, I struggle.  I pray and know that God hears me.  Am I praying wrong?  Am I praying for the wrong things or for the wrong reasons?  Should I even be praying for myself?  Shouldn't I be putting others before myself?

I wish I knew.

Thank You, Lord Jesus

Sometimes I have a hard time comprehending all that Jesus did for me.  Have we become this complacent to Him?  Maybe it's just me.  I need some shock therapy of sorts...maybe even a kick in the pants to get me going again.

He is everything and I am nothing without Him.  Of course, that means that I am everything with Him, right?  I am everything He is.  I don't always allow myself to become like Him.  What does that mean, anyway?  How can I become like Jesus when I am as imperfect as I am? 

I raised children, but there were many times I made mistakes with them, some of which are hard for my children to understand or forgive.  I am a new wife and just learning again what it means to put others before myself.  I pray before work, but judging by all the errors that have been made this past week, it's like I left Him standing outside the door while I went in without Him.

How do I change this around?  I read all the time...good, Christian living books that should be helping me, but it seems as if there's something blocking the wisdom from getting to me.  Is there unrepented sin in my life?  Is there something I should be doing that I'm not?  Please!  I really want to know!

Until then, I continue to thank Jesus for dying for me, for taking on my sinful nature, for forgiving me, for giving me life.  I will continue to read the Word, pray, and do my best to apply the things I've learned to my life.

Maybe that's the answer.  Maybe I should just let go of all the issues I have and all the worries that haunt me and give them all to God.  He has always been able to turn things around for me and there's no limit to how many problems He can handle.

So tonight I pray for my children and their families, for my husband, for my friends, and for my work.  I leave them all at the feet of Jesus and He will lift them up at the appointed time.  I need to get out of His way to enable Him to do what needs to be done.

I pray for you, too, dear reader.  I appreciate all of you for taking this journey with me and giving me helpful advice and wise counsel when I need it.

I rest until another day.