CHRISTMAS POST-MOM

When I was a little girl, Christmas was always a time of great anticipation.  We could hardly wait to bring home and decorate our real Christmas tree and pack it full of ornaments and tinsel.  Then the presents under the tree...oh, the great presents!  We would spend hours of stolen moments looking for the packages that had our names on them and wonder what was inside.

Finally, the day arrived.  Aunts, uncles, cousins, and Grandma would descend upon us, everyone carrying more gifts and goodies.  They always made us eat something good before we delved into the goodies, but I guess that was ok.  Fastest sandwich we ever ate was eaten on Christmas Eve!  We would all gather in our tiny living room, finding our spot to sit.  Someone would be appointed as "Santa" (sometimes "Santa" would even come to our door and deliver a special gift) and the unwrapping would begin.  Christmas was magic.

After Mom passed away, Christmas sort of did, too.  This year my children all celebrated with their own families and Joel and I went to my son's house for dinner on Christmas day, otherwise, we passed gifts amongst ourselves.  I guess it isn't about the gifts or how many people come to your house.  I spent Christmas with my wonderful husband and I wouldn't want to be anyplace else.  I do miss seeing the grandchildren open their presents, but hopefully there will be pictures to enjoy.

It's bittersweet.  I wish Christmas could stay the same magical day it was when I was a child, but times change and new memories are formed.  My prayer is that my grandchildren remember their holidays with as much fondness as I remember mine.

Hope yours was filled with many blessings and love!

NYC New York Color

(http://www.newyorkcolor.com)

I received this product complimentary to test through Influenster’s VoxBox program.

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I received this product, along with many other products, complimentary to test through Influenster’s VoxBox program.  

Influenster

I know...I hate commercials, too.  But this idea really has me excited!  I signed up for testing products through Influenster.com and just received my first box of full-sized products.  No samples here!  I received Softsoap exfoliating soap (2 full-size bars), NYC lip gloss, Mentos gum, and a bunch of other items.  It's so much fun to open boxes of surprises and it's totally free!

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Spent

I wish there was a way to take a break from everything.  Even if I do get away for a few days, I still have my awesome mind trailing along.  Work continues to be stressful, I have health issues I'm dealing with, family issues are clouding my mind and breaking my heart...when does it stop?

I guess never.  God never promised us an easy life.  In fact, He told us it was going to be hard.  I wonder what people do who don't have the Lord in their lives?  Talk about being alone!  I think I'm just tired.  If anyone has any ideas on how to relax and let go, please tell me how to do that!

Kaila

I am so hurt by your comment.  I've been through this before with Lindsay, but I never thought we would be standing on the same ground. 

Every few years I get to mourn the loss of a grandchild who turns into a know-it-all teenager and doesn't want me in their life anymore. Then six or seven years later, they come back and show love again. Problem with that theory is eventually I'm going to run out of years and they won't be able to get that back. I would save them the heartache of regret, but I can't do it for them. So, precious granddaughter...I tell you this. I have loved you from the moment I knew you were coming and I will always love you. You can have your teenage angst and tantrums and reactions to truth, but my love for you will never change.  My love for you is unconditional and I will be here when you return (if I can be).

These things are always such a process for me.  I truly mourn...losing the love of someone you love so much is physically painful.  I don't know why God made me such an emotional woman, but He did and my heart breaks easily.  

I want an apology, but I know I won't get one.  Yet.  Maybe I never will.  Did I hurt my mother or grandmother in this way?  I surely hope not.  If I did, I don't have the opportunity to say I'm sorry and that I love them.

I know I'm rambling...but sometimes that's just how my brain operates.  The more I process these things, the quicker I can move on.  I forgive you, Kaila.  In my heart, I will always forgive you.

Relax

I spent a good 30 minutes on my knees in the bathroom, bleach cleaner in one hand and paper towels in the other.  I organized all the things that were sitting on the side of the toilet and scrubbed everything down.  After that, I gathered up all the trash and put it out for the garbage truck in the morning.  Then I washed and dried a load of whites.

So what, you say?  I have constant pain from fibromyalgia and degenerative disk disease and doing anything for 30 minutes in a row is a painful process.  I have to remind myself that I'm not doing these things to please my husband (well, maybe a little), but because it pleases the Lord when I am taking care of things.

Did my husband notice the clean bathroom?  Nope.  What he did notice was that I didn't wash a complete load of whites (the basket was full, but apparently not full enough).  Were my feelings a little hurt?  Yep.  But I'm also trying to learn not to let my emotions rule me and this was a good lesson for me to internalize it.  To not play the martyr and give Joel the silent treatment when he doesn't jump for joy that I did the laundry.  Why would I expect that?  That's how I react when he does something nice for me, but he's not a woman.  I doubt he even noticed the dust and grime in the bathroom.

So I'm blogging and relaxing.  Smiling at him and giving him kisses as I normally do.  Meek, gracious, loving, and kind.  Being a woman is a tough job.

The Good Ol' American Way

Work.


That's really all I have to say.  We wake up, get ready for the day, put in our 8 hours, and come home.  The people in the trenches, like me, get paid a pittance compared to the office staff, which is bogus since we do the actual dirty work.  If any of the office staff ever read this, they'd be angry, but they're lazy!  They leave their dirty dishes all over the kitchen, which I clean because I hate the smell after awhile, and even use up the last of the toilet paper without replacing the roll.  Maybe they think there's a toilet paper angel who comes around and makes everything right again.  (Yea...me.)  Or maybe I've taken on a few OCD tendencies from one of our consumers.

Don't get me wrong.  I love what I do.  Even the menial chores, like showering and toileting don't really bother me.  I've established good relationships with the consumers so they trust me...that makes it so much easier.  It's weird, but I actually miss them when I have a day off.  I just wish everyone would do the same...do unto others and all that.

I work with some awesome staff, though.  Other than the toilet paper roll and the dirty dishes, they're some of the nicest people I've ever worked with.  I'm sure they have tons of things to do, unbeknownst to me, so I'm complaining about things I have no idea of.  No one gossips or talks about things they shouldn't be.  Our new girl is a breath of fresh air (she's about 20 and pregnant with her first baby), and the rest of the DSPs (Direct Service Professional) I've worked with since day 1.

So all in all, my job is a good one.  First and foremost, I'm thankful I have a job.  So many in this country don't and we need to be praying for those people.

Emotions

Today's reading has to do with our emotions and how we should handle them in our lives.  I've always thought of myself as an even-tempered person, but that's only because I push my feelings down.  When I become too full of them, I show my emotions as either anger or hurt.  I get defensive, ready to do battle.  I say things I don't mean and regret later.  My attitude gets increasingly worse and it's hard to come back from that.  I've done that since I was a child and learned how to be invisible.  I'm just now accepting God's healing in this and learning to have a voice and be who I was meant to be.  It's a process.

"A fool vents all his feelings, but a wise man holds them back."  Proverbs 29:11

Today I will learn to walk in wisdom.

The Past and the Future

Sometimes I think writing about my daily life is worthless, but then I think about how valuable it would have been to have had a journal from one of my ancestors.  I do wonder about their lives and what struggles and joys they faced.  I wouldn't be here today if it weren't for them and I'd like to honor their lives somehow. 

What was it like for them to leave their homes to come to a land they knew nothing about?  My great-grandpa boarded a ship at a very early ago to come to America...he was barely old enough for facial hair!  I'd like to know about how he and my great-grandma, Selma Anderson, met and fell in love.  How did they handle their lives when the babies started coming? 

Being Madison's great-grandma really brings the connections close to home for me.  Did my great-grandparents get to see me, hold me, love me?  The space of time between us is so short I can almost reach out and touch them.  How I wish I could.

A Daughter's Decision

Ok, so she's an adult.  She's been married to the same guy for quite some time and they brought three beautiful children into the world.  But no matter how old she gets, she's still my little girl. 

I wish I could make this decision for her.  I wish I could foresee what the future holds for her.  Sometimes I'd like to take her away from all the daily grind and have her be 6 years old again and all it would take was for me to rub her head to make her feel better.

I trust her.  She's a strong woman and she and her husband will make the decision that is best for their family.  In the long run, this will be a very good move for them.  In the immediate future, though, she would have to say goodbye to him for at least a year. 

I am praying for you, precious daughter.  I am here for you anytime you need me.