I Hate Diets!

I started using an app on my phone called myfitnesspal to track everything I eat and drink and what exercise I get.  After getting on the scale last night and saw where I'm at, it was like a huge slap in the face.  How can I love myself right now?  I just have to love me because God created me in His image.  That should be enough.

But is it?  Right now I'm very angry for being complacent about myself.  I weigh more that I ever have and more than a lot of guys I know.  I thank God that Joel loves me as I am, but this late night eating has to stop.  I'm already 75 calories over my goal for the day, which means I have to exercise more and my eating is done for the day.

I can do this.  I have no choice and I have no excuses.  My tyranny stops now.  With God's help, all things are possible, even this.  I believe God delights in fulfilling His Word when His children are involved.

"Stay alert, be in prayer so you don't wander into temptation without even knowing you're in danger.  There is a part of you that is eager, ready for anything in God.  But there's another part that's as lazy as an old dog sleeping by the fire."  Matthew 26:41.

That's me!  I may not be an old dog, but my side of the couch is surely as comfortable as lying by that fire.

Well, no more laziness for me!  I have a good life to live and grandchildren to watch grow up.  It's going to be difficult at times, but life is never easy.

Your prayers for strength and courage would be greatly appreciated!

Philippians 4:14

"It was a beautiful thing that you came alongside me in my troubles."

I'm well aware that this verse is talking about our Lord Jesus, but I can apply it to when Joel and I got together as well.  I had truly believed in my heart that I was going to remain single the rest of my life.  I lamented that fact that I didn't "belong" to anyone, that there was no "S" behind my name signifying a plurality I would never enjoy.  There was just a spark of joy in my life and I wanted more. 

Out of sadness came beauty.  Our niece, Michelle, died (my brother used to be married to Joel's sister) and we exchanged Facebook names.  After that started a relationship like no other.  Joel and I were as twin spirits...we liked the same things, we both pointed out the same flaws in movies...we though alike on so many levels.  I know God is working in Joel just as He works in me.

I had just about given up hope, and then there was Joel.  In five (very short) days I will become his wife.

Yes, it was a beautiful thing.

"We pray that you'll live well for the Master, making Him proud of you as you work hard in His orchard.  As you learn more and more how God works, you will learn how to do your work.  We pray that you'll have the strength to stick it out over the long haul...not the grim strength of gritting your teeth, but the glory-strength God gives.  It is strength that endures the unendurable and spills over into joy, thanking the Father who makes us strong enough to take part in everything bright and beautiful that He has for us."  Colossians 1:10-12

There are days I wonder how I'll ever get through them.  This happens mostly at work.  Doing what I do can be very stressful sometimes because I'm dealing with people.  People change according to what is in their own heart and we can't always control that.  So I go to work everyday, hopeful that the day will be something I can endure, that I can love, and that I can show others God's kind of love.

I'm actually looking forward to today's shift because most of the consumers are off with families.  I have two of my favorite guys home for most of the day, though.  I wish I could talk about them more, but with privacy issues, it isn't an option.  Just know that I have fun at work and the consumers look forward to me coming in.  At least the guys do.  The ladies are pretty adaptable.

I try my best to do even the most menial of tasks with a positive heart.  I look at these people as family members and sometimes go out of my way to make their life meaningful and enjoyable.  I'm not "tooting my own horn", but trying to help you in your work and attitude about it.  I do some pretty nasty things sometimes, but it helps if I remember that "whatever I do to the least of these, I do unto Christ".  He is watching, whether anyone else is or not.  In fact, it really doesn't matter to me that my bosses know my motivation.  God knows and He is the One who promotes us and provides for us.

Other than work, not much going on in my little world today.  Five days until the wedding...the days are actually going pretty fast, considering.

Matthew 6:6

Jesus said, "Her's what I want you to do.  Find a quiet, secluded place so you won't be tempted to role-play before God.  Just be there as simply and honestly as you can manage.  The focus will shift from you to God, and you will begin to sense His grace."

Besides the bathroom, my car is one of the best places for me to pray and seek God.  I have to admit, though, the car does have its disadvantages.  I have to actually maneuver this monstrosity in a safe manner, so I can't just let go and listen for God. 

I am thinking the place Joel and I are getting married at just might be that "get away" place for me.  For one thing, it will always be a special place because of the wedding.  It's also special because it's near the place Mom and Dad picked wildflowers for their wedding.  As long as there are no people there, it would be absolutely the perfect place to seek God at.

I live in the country, so if it isn't convenient for me to drive across town, I have many places to go to be alone.  Me, God, and the best bug spray I can find and I have acres to roam about in without anyone interfering.

Where is your favorite place to pray and seek God?

Summertime with the Grands

As soon as the munchkins got here (William is now 11, so his social life overrides an overnight at Grandma's house...lol), we took off for Lake Kohlmier for a swim.  Of course, we forgot towels, but who needs a towel when there's a nice breeze and a park nearby to dry off at?  We forged ahead, ready for adventure.

I do believe my grandchildren are part fish...they are naturals in the water and aren't afraid to try anything.  At least once.  At one point, there were five kids (not all of them belonged to me, thank goodness) standing at the top of the lifeguard post.  All five of them jumped at the same time, which, if I would have had my camera ready, would have made for a really good picture.  However, I'm never that prepared.  The shots I get are usually "Danea...look over here and smile".  Then I get the forced smile look.

When I got tired of swatting the mosquitoes off, or at least most of them, I gathered my grands and we headed off to the park.  I'm not as nervous at a park.  They can't drown at a park.  They can, however, climb on top of the slide instead of using it for its' intended purpose, and holler, "Hey Grandma, look how high I am!"  Silly little people.  Even if I wanted to rescue them from such a height, I couldn't manuever this body to the correct location.  I'd probably get dizzy just swinging on the swing!  Age does have its' benefits...I'm just waiting to find them.  I occupied my time looking through a catalog I just received for vitamins and other items that promise to give me energy and a long life.  Does looking at a vitamin count?  I'm hoping so.

Anyway, we came home and had popsicles and watched "Monsters, Inc".  I think I wore them out.  I'm sure they wore me out.  Either way, it was a good day and I hope, a happy memory for them.

Lazy Day

I just woke up and it's already afternoon!  I adore sleeping in.  The room is dark, my phone is in the other room so I can't hear it, the fan is making that white noise thing (lol)...I wonder how long I could actually sleep?

I dreamed that I was in a soap opera working in a pharmacy.  Came into work and found the pharmacist was taking one of the patient's oxycontin before he was going to drive it out to her house.  I caught him and took the drugs away from him to do a recount.  Found three missing.  The pharmacy assistant was also involved, so they were both arrested.  I was worried about the soap opera not making it without these key players. 

What was I doing in a soap opera, anyway?  I hate them and all their drama.  Maybe it's all these pre-wedding jitters I've been having.  I'm not doubting that marrying Joel is one of the best decisions of my life.  But it is a ceremony and those always make me nervous.

My plans for today involve painting and laundry...neither of which will probably get done since three of the grands are coming to spend the night.  It's cool.  As long as each one has a computer, they're happy.  They also like the fact that our toilet has a bidet feature...they think that's funny for some odd reason.  Kids!  Strange little creatures.  Maybe I'll throw them (well, not literally) in the car and we'll go to the park or something.

They are precious little beings and love them.

More from the Day

Do you know where you're going?  Do you have a plan for your life?  And why am I asking such personal questions?

At any moment in time, you could be facing the last moment you will have on this earth.  We all know we aren't going to live forever, but no one ever gives thought to that one moment when we breathe our last. 

It's not complicated.  Or it shouldn't be.  It's not about how many verses of the Bible you've memorized.  It's not about how many times you've gone to church.  It's not about how nice you are to the young men in black suits that come knocking on your door.

It's about Jesus Christ.  It's about His life and what He did for you and I.  God wanted you to come be with Him forever, so He came to earth as a man (still being God) to take our place,  What do I mean by that?  When Adam and Eve disobeyed God, they caused a separation between man and God.  Sin came into the world and we became a part of it.  But God loved us so much, He didn't want to leave us in that state.  So He came to earth to take the punishment we deserved for being rebellious so we could escape that punishment.

It's already done.  You've been saved.  All you have to do is accept that Jesus was crucified and died for your sins and you are no longer guilty.  Ask Jesus to come into your life and give Him the control over it.  You will be amazed at the changes God can bring!

I'm so frustrated right now.   One of the shrugs I ordered came today and it's exactly what I wanted.  It even fits the way it's supposed to.  The problem?  The dress I wanted to wear is too tight.  I know I've gained weight since being with Joel (not blaming him at all), but I didn't realize it was that bad.  Some of it is due to medications I'm on, but a lot of it is the fact that I can't say no to things like Butterfingers and chips and dip late at night.

I do have another dress I can wear and that's the one I'll be wearing.  But I've lost control and I need help!  I've searched online and all the programs that seem to work are too expensive.  In my head, it's all about eating the right foods, eating the right amount of food, and stopping when my body is full.  I also need to move more.  Simple, right?

What is wrong in my head?  Why do I feel comfort when I eat an entire bag of Butterfingers, snack size?  How is there comfort in food?  Food is not my friend.  Food cannot make me feel loved and comforted.  I need to replace my desire for eating the wrong foods and replace it with a desire to know God more.

If anyone has an answer for me on how to do this, I really am asking for help.

9 Days and Counting

I have to go to work.  I'd much rather stay at home and do this or at least do something to get ready for next week.  I'm praying that a shrug I ordered will get here before the wedding.  I'm hoping my hair will cooperate that day.  I really want a nice day, sunny and in the 70s with a cool breeze.  Will I get all that?  I know words are powerful and to whomever is listening (I'M JOKING!), but what will probably happen is I will get the shrug on Saturday, it will be raining, my hair will look like I just rolled out of bed, and no one will show up.

Of course, none of those things will happen.  It's a very intimate moment of my life and the only people who actually need to be there will be.  It's human nature to worry, even if we're told not to.  God is in the details and He delights in making us happy.  So I will leave it all in His very capable hands.

Today it is 9 days until I become Mrs. Joel Hershberger.  I've been practicing writing out my name like a 19-year-old blushing bride.  I need to get a grip here!

Please

If you have been reading these posts, I would appreciate it very much if you would post comments.  Critique all you want...constructive criticism is welcome!

Thanks!

I Pray Everyday for my Precious Children

Father, may my children be as the sons of Issachar and have understanding of the times.  May my children seek You and Your strength.  May they seek Your face forever. 

Lord, I pray that my children would set their heart and soul to You.  May my children stand every evening to give You thanks and praise.

Lord, I pray that my children would delight in Your law and that they would meditate on it, pondering it day and night.

Father, keep my children as the apple of Your eye, hide them under the shadow of Your wings.  Show my children Your ways, O Lord; teach
them Your paths.  Lead them in Your truth and teach them, for You are the God of their salvation.

Lord God, give my children understanding to know that You are their hiding place.  You will preserve them from trouble and surround them with songs of deliverance.

I pray, Father, that my children will delight themselves in You and that You would give them the desires of their heart.  Create in my children a clean heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within them.

May my children trust in You with all their heart, and lean not on their own understanding.  I pray that they will acknowledge You in all their ways and that you would direct their paths.

I pray that my children would hear instruction and be wise, that they would not disdain it.  May my children have pity on the poor, for they that have pity on the poor lend to You, and You will pay back what they have given. 

Lord, through wisdom, may my children build their house, and by understanding may it be established.  By knowledge may the rooms be filled with all precious and pleasant riches.

O Lord, I pray that my children would understand that You are their salvation; may they trust in You and not be afraid.  Be their strength and song.  O God, become their salvation.

I thank You, Abba Father, for sending godly people in my children's lives and that You would give them the words that will pierce my children's hearts to God.  I thank You for their salvation and claim my children for You now in Jesus' Name.  Amen.

Things I Have to Do

1. Find shoes
2. get a bra
3. figure out my hair
4. color my hair
5. do laundry
6. clean kitchen and bathroom
7. figure out who all is coming to our wedding
8. ask Katrina about the cake
9. get plates and utensils for those who want wedding cake

I thought this was going to be a simple wedding with us and our witnesses.  A select few have invited themselves (not a problem whatsoever) and there are a select few I wanted to be there.  Joel and I have chosen the location, we have the marriage license, we have the rings, and really, all we have to do now is wait for the day and show up.

It's funny because all these lonely years I never once thought I would find a man who loves me like Joel loves me and one I love as well.  I never once thought I would be married again.  I'm getting butterflies in my 53-year-old stomach...funny.

All these things will work themselves out and the day will come and go like any other day.  Right now I'm just praying for a clear sky and temps in the 70s.  That would be perfect.

Walking in the Light

Psalm 43:3 
Send out your light and your truth;
let them lead me;
let them bring me to your holy hill
and to your dwelling!

Psalm 56:12,13
I must perform my vows to you, O God;
I will render thank offerings to you. 
For you have delivered my soul from death,
yes, my feet from falling,
that I may walk before God
in the light of life.

Painful Emotions

Having kind of a tough moment.  Someone I love dearly isn't talking to me right now.  My heart actually hurts.  We used to be so close and now she thinks I'm just a fake and a chameleon.  She says I get lost in a relationship and don't show people who I really am.  Now I'm afraid to write anything.  I'm feeling pushed down and silenced once again.

I know this has more to do with me than with my loved one.  I know I can chose my own attitude, but it's hard to do when my feelings are hurt.  God gave us our emotions and I really should just stay with the feeling until it resolves itself.  Find out why people can get me to feel this way.

I think it's because I feel guilty where this person is concerned.  I didn't always do right by her and for whatever reason, these feelings of abandonment are bombarding her now.  I tell her I love her, but there's just no response.  The hurt is worse because we used to do so much together.  I know I should give her some time to process everything she needs to, but it's very difficult for me to wait.

Blah, blah, blah.  Tomorrow will be a better day.

Chapter Three: Teen Years

This is a subject that is very private and difficult for me.  This is where I made the most mistakes.  We now know that the teenage brain is not fully developed until into his or her twenties, but back then, it was just plain, old rebellion and risk-taking.

As I mentioned earlier, I grew up without a lot of supervision.  In my teen years, Mom worked a split-shift at the telephone company, so no one was home when we got home from school.  Dad stayed up in the cities with my aunt and uncle so he didn't have to drive back and forth to his job in Minneapolis.  I made supper and cleaned up after, all the while trying to avoid any physical attacks from my brother. I was also responsible for taking care of my younger brothers and sister.  Even when Mom came home, she never believed any of the stories we told her about the abuses we suffered.

I didn't date.  I associated attention from boys my age and older (my brother's friends) as love, even if it was for a short period of time.  It became a game for me after awhile.  I would get someone to "love" me, then I would drop them without a word of explanation.  I wanted someone to care for me, but didn't really know what to do with the attention I did get.  The sexual abuse from several relatives continued as well (I will not name them because it serves no purpose and I have forgiven them.) and I felt really alone and worthless.

At school, things were worse.  I really felt invisible there and barely spoke up.  I had a few friends, but they weren't in my grade.  The "popular" girls I had been friends with in grade school barely looked my way anymore and it was torturous to try to make new friends.  I stayed home from school a lot, even though I was getting good grades.  I couldn't stand being ignored there, too.  At least at home, I could hide myself away and be alone for a little while.  It got so bad, my mom arranged for me to live with my aunt and her partner in Columbia Heights, MN.  I'm not sure what the purpose of that was.

I was enrolled in a huge school where I knew absolutely no one.  I couldn't bear to sit alone at lunch time, so would bring my lunch to my locker and sit on the floor and eat.  My aunt bought me all kinds of clothes and things to make me feel at home, but that didn't work, either.  The minute I turned 16, I quit school and went back home.

Well, not really home.  I stayed at my aunt and uncle's house in Faribault for awhile.  That was the worst thing I could have done in a lot of ways.  I love my aunt, but there were problems I don't care to share.  I ended up finding an apartment on my own.  Yes, I lived alone at 16.  I lied about my age and I had a good job, so thought it would be the perfect thing to do.  If it wasn't for the goodness of some of my aunt's friends, I would have starved to death.  I didn't know how to manage my money.  Basically, I paid my rent and blew the rest. 

Enough for now.  It's not all that easy to bring all this up and write about.  I'm purging so I can resolve things with my daughter.  Maybe someday she'll understand me a little better.  I don't consider myself a victim, but I certainly had many reasons to become one.

This is the place Joel and I have chosen to get married at (in less than two weeks...oh my!).  It's very serene there; perfect for us.  There's plenty of room for people to sit and it will be a great place for pictures after the wedding.

How many times have I dreamed of this moment?  How many times have I prayed for this to happen?  God brought Joel back into my life in such a strange way (at our niece's funeral)...a place you wouldn't normally "find" someone you will love for the rest of your life.  But He did.  What clinched it for me was the email I received from Joel after our first date...he said he had a wonderful time and thanked me for sharing it with him.  How could I not respond to that?

He's also a man of his word.  I don't think he knows how to lie.  I've learned if I don't want to know the answer to something, don't ask.  ("Does this make my butt look big?" for instance.)  Joel will tell you exactly what he thinks.  This is good, though.  I feel a security with him because I know he doesn't take love lightly and wouldn't say it if he didn't mean it.

We have never fought.  We come to agreements over disagreements and we talk things out if there's an issue.  We are alike in so many ways, too.  We both enjoy quiet evenings at home...we both love the lake and being out there on the boat...we both are night owls and sleep in in the morning...there are many times we think of the very same thing, even the most obscure things.  I truly love this man and I know he loves me.  This is why we work together so well.

I can't wait!

Why can't I think of anything to write about?  Usually this late at night the words just flow.  Tonight I've been dammed up.  All I can think about is the fact that I'll be married in two weeks.  Exciting for me...not so exciting for the rest of the world.  I look over at Joel, who is clipping his toenails and think, "I'm the luckiest woman in the world!"

It just proves to me that my love for Joel is going to last.  If I can love him while watching him clip his toenails, then I can love him anywhere.  And anytime.  I am going to grow old with this man (which is right around the corner for me) and I'm as excited about my wedding as any 24-year-old doing it for the first time.  I'm not going to have the white wedding dress, the church full of people I don't know, food that costs $52 a plate for dried out chicken, or the cheesy band that only knows four songs that they play over and over.  What I will have is family I love and the love of family.  It will be beautiful.

Middle of the Night Musings

I've been searching the internet for hours, looking for the perfect dress to wear on August 5th.  Do you think I can find anything?  Nah...that would be too easy.  We've both decided to keep things simple, so I'm going for the summer dress motif, white and blue.  It really shouldn't be this difficult.  I'm on limited funds, too, which doesn't help.

But, hey...what happened to my good attitude?  The day will come, I will put on the dress and makeup, and my hair will be perfect.  When I am old and gray (next year for those of you counting), the dress I wore won't be so important.  I have a feeling when I'm holding Joel's hands in mine and we are saying our vows to one another, I won't be thinking about my dress.  I will be thinking what a wonderfully fortunate woman to have found such a man, perfect for me in so many ways.

I still am having a hard time wrapping my head around the idea of getting married.  It's been so long since I've had the title of "wife" and I'm going to cherish every moment. 

16 days and counting...

This "making amends" isn't going as well as I had hoped.  My daughter had to have read my message to her on Facebook and I have gotten no response.  I'd like to say it doesn't hurt.  I'd like to say it doesn't bother me.  Yet, it does.

I know I was wrong in a lot of my actions back then.  But I'm willing to go through the hard work of exposing the pain to have a relationship with her again.   We used to have such fun together.  She had a way of making me laugh about the stupidest things.  I really miss her.

Do I give her time to process the information I'm giving her?  Does she even believe that I'm telling the truth?  I truly feel like I've lost one of my best friends.

I've apologized.  I've tried to explain where my head was at at the time.  I can't do anymore than that, other than leave it in the hands of God.  I've seen Him do miracles and I trust that He can handle our relationship as well.

Doing My Part

I started with one of my daughters last night.  It's much easier for me to write these things out and let them respond via email or Facebook message than it is to talk face-to-face.  I know there's a lot of healing to be done and, I'm sure, as I do this there will be much more to say.  I suspect some will tell me that things are fine and I don't have to do this.  But I feel a pull to do it and I think it will mend some broken fences when all this is said and done.  My hope is that we can become close again and let go of all the pain of the past. 

Even if I wasn't the person who physically and mentally abused my children, I do recognize that I wasn't there enough for them.  This is a painful process and one I must do alone (with God's help and guidance).  I can't explain to anyone what it's like to be beaten down so badly that they can't take care of the little ones in their lives, that they have no self-esteem, or that their power was stolen from them.  It was a chaotic time in my life I would sooner forget.  Unfortunately, I have left holes in my children's hearts because of it and it must be addressed.  What my children do with this apology is up to them.  I will accept whatever they decide because I love them.

I do hope and pray we can be a united family again.  It makes me wonder if we ever were a united family, but my goal is to make us one.  If you think about it, pray for wisdom for myself.  I will need it.

Reflections

I'm starting on a quest of sorts.  I owe some people deep and genuine apologies and so, I am making a list.  It's very much like taking a moral inventory and making amends, but no one is making me do this.  I feel it's time for me to make things right in my life.  Without divulging anything here, I am starting with my children.

This is not going to be an easy journey for me to take, but it's something I want to do on my own and for their benefit, not mine.  It's maybe one of the most unselfish things I've done.  What's going to be difficult is admitting my part in some of the wrong turns I've taken in my life.  It isn't easy to admit that we were wrong.

It's enough just to say I started.

17 Days To Go

I can't help boring y'all with this wedding talk, but it's truly the only thing on my mind at the moment.  Maybe I'm allowed.  Maybe all the years and tears and loneliness was the road I had to take to get to this point.  The years and tears and loneliness brought me to Joel and he is leading me back to life again. 

I've thought about this for so long it seems unreal to be living it.  And truly, it isn't about the beautiful dress, flowers, soloist, reception, and dance...it's about Joel and I looking each other in the eyes and saying those vows that we will be true to one another for the rest of our lives.  I hope I don't cry, but I know I will.  Joel is a very good man and the love I have for him continues to grow with each passing day.

Ok, it’s a little old but it’s certainly not outdated. Whenever life’s stress begins to take its toll I find renewed peace in Dr. Peale’s words:

Any fact facing us is not as important as our attitude toward it, for that determines our success or failure. The way you think about a fact may defeat you before you ever do anything about it. You are overcome by the fact because you think you are. 

Oh, my goodness!  This is pretty much what I said a few days ago when I was talking about attitudes about work.  The Bible also has some words to compliment Dr. Peale's thoughts.  It says, "What a man thinks in his heart, so is he."  Proverbs 23:7.

Attitude is everything, isn't it?  People can read on your face the type of attitude someone has.  Do you really want the world to see anger, frustration, jealousy, or anything negative when they look at you?  A smile takes but a second, but it could change someone's entire day.  And believe it or not, it will change your day, too.  Try it and see what happens with you.  You might be surprised.


I have to admit, this doesn't come naturally to me.  I am a very private person and have a very definite private space (at least until I get to know you).  It's almost as if I have to physically and mentally change my attitude; it really is almost a physical thing that I chose (this is the key) to do.


If someone treats me poorly, it's very difficult for me to chose to walk away and not let it bother me.  It's almost impossible for me to pray for that person in a positive way (Lord, get her! isn't exactly the right way to pray, even though we'd love to pray that way.).  Most of the time, though, I do pray for that person and ask God to heal the damaged areas of his or her life and to bless them.

You don't have to have a special place or time to pray.  I find myself praying all through the day...little snippets, if you will.  The Lord hears it all.  He tenderly comforts me when I'm upset and uplifts me when I'm feeling down.  He also corrects me and keeps me on the right path.  I really don't know what I would do without Him in my life.

More From the Day

Today Joel and I applied for our marriage license and picked up our rings.  Words are lost on me.  I have a thousand thoughts running through my head about this.  Oh, it's definitely what I want.  It's just that I pretty much gave up on the idea of ever finding the perfect man for me.  It was only when I gave up that God said we were ready.  Strange how that works.

We're getting married on a little island on a lake here.  So romantic.  It's a lake I've spent many hours on when I was growing up.  I even learned how to swim in that lake. 

Our rings:

Everything is coming together perfectly.  I really am getting married...it boggles the mind!

Details Even For the Simple Wedding

Things I never even thought of are starting to crop up:

1.  a small, blue bouquet of flowers (blue and baby's breath, maybe),
2.  a white summery dress (with sleeves because only God gets to see   the fat on these arms!),
3.  a cute pair of shoes,
4.  dye my hair,
5.  get my pedi done...the list goes on and on. 

Am I making too much of this when both Joel and I decided on a simple, small wedding at the justice of the peace?  Honestly, I can't afford any of these things, but God has never failed me yet and I can't imagine why He would start now.

Because of my love for you and my God, I pray this prayer.

Father God, Glory to Your Holy Name, Hallelujah to the King of Kings, the Great I AM.  Abba, please touch each and every soul that comes into this site, going into the  hearts and minds, healing and restoring as needed.  Give peace, unto the storms that rage around us.  Lord supply the needs of each of Your children.  Give guidance and wisdom, keep each of us in line, not allowing any of us to be swept away by false doctrines or foolish desires.  Fill our homes with Your Spirit, and Lord may everyone coming into our homes, know they are in the presence of the Holy LORD of LORDS. 

Abba, we lift each family member and friend that is unsaved.  I bind the rebellion, drugs, lust, lies, all that which keeps them from coming to You.  Touch their eyes dropping the scales so they can see Your glory, and where they really are, in  relation to all eternity.  Open their ears to hear Your words of truth, as well as You calling unto them as You called Adam in the garden.  Lord send someone anointed in You, to speak to these loved ones. Pierce each heart with Your truth, not allowing it to return unto You void.  Thank you, and Abba please send friends of Your chosing to be with our young ones, helping them walk in a straight line.  Cover them all in the precious blood of Jesus Christ.  Thank you for the work You're doing on and in each of these precious souls and thank You for completing the work You have begun.   Thank You for Your love and grace, we bask in Your love and peace.  Breathe upon each of us, pressing us to Your breast, allowing us to feel Your presence.  Thank you, I love You.. I give You all the glory  in Jesus name amen...... so be it Hallelujah, Hallelujah to the Prince of Peace, our Savior, and LORD.

Comments

Comments on these blog writings (just ramblings from my crazy brain, really) are what keeps me writing.  I'm not sure why it's important for anyone to read these, but it's like being heard in public.  I'm making my speech for mankind to read!  (And yes, my fist was in the air.).

Keep reading...I'll try to keep real in here.  After all, I'm anonymous, right?  I am, right?  RIGHT?

The Rest of the Day

Work went extremely well...hurray, hurray!  Weekends are usually pretty laid-back so I don't mind working them.  At the risk of exposing identities, I can't divulge any funny things about the consumers who live there, but they make me laugh at least once during my shift. 

It's so important to love what you do.  If you go to work every day, for 8, 10, 12 hours a day and hate it, your life will be miserable each and every day.  I decided a long time ago (well, at least a year ago) that I was going to walk into my work place with a new attitude and a smile on my face.  I am walking into their homes, after all.  They have families and friends who love them and are counting on us to provide the best care possible with the most compassion we can muster.  Some days are easier than others, but do you want to know what the most rewarding feeling is?  When you can take someone who is angry or upset and change their feelings around so they have a better day,  that's when I get my satisfaction.

When things do get rough (and they do, believe me), I try to remember that I am working for the Lord and whatever I do to the least of these, I am doing as unto Him.  That wakes me up like no other verse!  I am responsible for the people I take care of and it doesn't matter how little I am paid, I am doing them a great service if I treat them as I would my brothers or sisters.

Aren't I just the saintly one?  lol  Hardly.  Not on my own, anyway.  You have no idea how many times I find myself in my favorite prayer room (the bathroom) asking God for the strength and grace to make it through the day.  I imagine a lot of people feel the same way about their jobs.  Sometimes the bathroom is my only refuge when people are acting out or their meds are doing crazy things to their systems and they aren't themselves.  It's that little bit of breathing room I allow myself when I need to fill back up with God's love and compassion.

As for the most important occasion coming up, I can't help but talk about it to everyone I see.  "I'm getting married!"  Some people look at me as if I'm a little off my rocker, but I don't care.  If I had an umbrella, I'd go dancing down the main street in Owatonna yelling it to everyone I met.  My earlier marriage never really was a marriage, so this is "THE ONE".  How can I not be excited?

Monday we're getting our marriage license and getting my ring.  Even saying that gives me goosebumps!  What?  Am I 19 all of a sudden and my prince has come on his shiny white steed to rescue me from the dragon?  Because as silly as that sounds, that's exactly how I feel.

I best leave the rest of my enthusiasm for tomorrow.

A New Dawn

For 31 years I have been alone.  Oh, I've dated.  One I gave up job, home, and friends for.  A couple I truly thought I loved.  But this one man, my Joel, has put an end to the silence that was within me and has allowed me to speak.  He hears.  He understands.  And he is good.

I can, with all honesty, say I love this man.  A love that is like no other and one I've never experienced.  And now we have decided to combine our hearts and lives and become one.  Neither one of us wanted a traditional wedding with hundreds of people we barely know.  So we are gathering with just our witnesses and going before the justice of the peace here in Owatonna to say our vows to one another.  It will be very romantic and very "us".  There will be no party (as neither of us drink), but we will celebrate the joining of our lives, just the two of us together.

I truly thought this day would never happen for me.  But here I am, at 53, and blushing at the thought of getting married again.  God is most amazing and good and delights in the joys of His children.

The day I became silent has been locked away in a distant memory, never to be taken out again.  There is no reason to be anyone but who I am with Joel and he loves me anyway.  THAT'S the true difference between him and anyone else I've dated over the years.  Our families have been connected for 33 years...funny how we never thought of one another until now.  God has His timing and His timing is perfect.

I am happy.

Raining

I can't even see the road from my house, it's raining so hard.  Just moments ago, a big flash of lightning touched down in the field across the street.  I love this type of weather.  The crazy voice in my head is telling me to take a nap and I think she might just win this round.

Went to Faribault and got a copy of my divorce decree from Steven.  Step 1 has been taken care of.  I'm not making any announcements as of yet, but you smart people can figure it out.  Of course, while I was standing in the courthouse, had another bout of waving and rumbling in my tummy...actually got home just in time!  There's nothing quite as humbling as having a tummy issue in public and nothing to do about it.  I plastered on my public smile face and went about my business as if nothing in the world was the matter with me.  Then gritted my teeth all the way home.  I love my life.  I laugh at adversity!  (I'm saying that with one fist held above my head in true war-like pose.)

So for now...it's off to napland.  With the dreams I have, maybe there is such a place as Napland.  I seem to do a lot of traveling in my dreams. 

Hasta la vista!

The Circus That I Call My Life

I woke this morning, glad to have a day off and thinking of all the things I'd love to get done.  Finish painting the doors and baseboard, run to Faribault to get a copy of my divorce decree (I'll explain that one later), laundry...you know...the fun stuff.

My body had other plans, however.  The rumblings in my tummy were almost as loud as the thunder outside and just about as dangerous.  After visiting my favorite prayer room (bathroom) for the third time, I decided a trip to Walmart was necessary...I was out of Pepto Bismol and this was a case of do it or die.

Driving to Walmart wasn't the worst part.  Walking through the store clenching my butt cheeks together as best I could was the challenging part. Then of course, the lady in front of me had several coupons and couldn't figure out how to use her debit card in the machine.  I didn't think witnessing to her in my state of mind was appropriate, so I stood as still as I could and tried to appear normal.  Someday, I will laugh about this.  It would be almost worth asking Walmart to show me the tape of me standing there with my teeth clenched, praying for no volcanoes today.

So here I sit, all broken hearted...never mind.  That doesn't need to be finished for the point to come across.  I have my pepto, I have my bottle of water, and I have to day off.  What more do I need?  My Kindle is loaded up with encouraging words and gas is in the car for my trip to Faribault (when I'm sure the rumblings have subsided enough for the 15 minute trip over there).

Ever have one of those days where bed is the goal?  Today is mine.

Work

Why do I have to go to work so early?  Oh wait...is 1:00 pm early?  It is when I stay up until 4:00 am watching episodes of "Breaking Bad".  I hate to admit it, but I might be addicted to that show.  It's fun to hate the leading character, Walter White.  He's such a dork!  Not unlike I was when I was in high school.

As much as I loved grade school, I hated junior high.  I again became invisible and the person people made fun of.  I'm not sure what the switch was or why it came, but there were just so many people I didn't know and I was in no mood to find out who they were.  I faltered big time by missing a lot of school.  The school counselor tried to help by putting me in the same classes as my best friend, but that wasn't enough to keep me in school.  I just refused to go.  Mom did her best, even calling in school officials and our pastor to talk to me.  I refused to get out of bed to talk to them, too.  Yes, I ended up quitting at 16.  Big mistake. 

More later...

Just Another Day

It's difficult to believe we're in the middle of summer and school is only about a month away.  I'd like to ride bikes down to Lake Kohlmier at least one more time so we could actually go swimming.  I'd like to organize my papers and start using my desk.  I'd like to get the painting done.  What I'd really like is to stop being such a procrastinator.  Now THAT would be a miracle!  "Just do it" doesn't seem to work that well in my brain.  What I hear is "just take a nap" or something similar.

I work on the ladies side of the building today.  It sucks that I start earlier, but it's great when I get off earlier, too!  The ladies aren't bad to work with.  Maybe I'll get them all out for a little outing today.  Unless we have to do the Park and Rec thing, which I'm hoping not to have to do.  It's so regimented.  I dislike activities with just handicapped people...what is so normal about that?  They should be doing activities within the community, amongst what we consider the "norm" of society.  But then, what do I know.  I'm at the bottom of the ladder as far as opinions go.

You Judge Me By My Actions. I Judge Myself By My Intentions.

I think this may be a big cause of misunderstanding.  Consider this Chapter Two, if you will, of my first blog.

My childhood was spent mostly outdoors with little adult supervision.  I got into trouble in so many ways, but it was at the hands of my older brother most of the time.  If we didn't do what he said, we'd get beat up by him.  I'm not sure why he did this or why he hated us so much.  The kicker was we always got into trouble with Mom, not him.  One instance was when Tony and I started walking along the railroad tracks.  For something to do, I guess.  I still don't know why we did that.  Nevertheless, we got pretty far out of Owatonna on the way to Medford before we turned back.  When we got home, it was me that got the whipping because "little girls could get hurt by the bums that walked the railroads".  Tony got nothing.

Another time was when Tony and I climbed to the top of the telephone company building across from where we lived.  We actually sat up there with our feet dangling down.  Of course, it was that particular moment that Mom came outside and saw us.  I got into trouble for that one, too.  How could she have missed disciplining Tony for doing the same things when it was always his idea to begin with?  I'll never know.  All parents make mistakes we don't understand.

I used to love staying overnight at other people's houses.  We didn't have a phone back then, so I would have to walk from one friends' house to another to find one that would let me sleep overnight.  I would leave the house with Mom believing I was spending the night at a friend's house, but she never knew which one I was staying at.  She probably just enjoyed having one less kid to think about.

I loved school the most.  I excelled in something and felt accepted for who I was.  I honestly didn't get that at home.  Mom was too busy, Grandma was too critical, and I don't remember Dad being home much.  Almost everywhere I went, I experienced sexual abuse.  But not at school.  I loved learning about different things and even taking tests were fun because that was proof that I was smart at something.  It was my glory days.  Unfortunately, that ended at the end of sixth grade.  But that's for another post. 

I truly wish my children understood where the pain that lives inside me came from.  I'm not asking for sympathy.  I'm not looking to be a victim.  But there is a little girl inside of me that doesn't feel she ever got a chance to grow up into a mature woman.  She's still in there, waiting to be accepted.  Waiting to be loved.  Waiting to be understood.

Appreciating the Cloudy Days

Another day where we are expecting rain to fall.  I like this kind of day.  And no, I'm not crazy.  The clouds make me appreciate the sunny days that much more.

My relationship with God is much the same.  Some days I feel His presence so strongly it's as if I could reach out and touch Him.  Other days He seems to remain silent.  He never leaves me; He promised me He would always be with me to the end of the age.  But, like the cloudy days, there are times He lets me learn something.  Like a loving parent, He steps aside and allows me to venture out on my own.  When I do stumble and fall, though, He's right there to pick me up and comfort me.

What a wonderful Father we have!  How could anyone doubt His existence when His love is all around us?  The trees, the birds, the flowers, the wind, and the sunshine all give evidence of Him.  One day at work I was watching the leaves rustle...it was almost as if they were waving at God who created them.

I know I'm rambling today.  It's the way my brain works sometimes.  I will spend the day praising Him and thanking Him for continuing to work in my children's lives and in Joel's life.  I also pray for each of you, so if you feel a little extra special today, it's because I'm sending God's love in a mighty way to you.

There may be more later...

Apologies

I was going to use this blog therapeutically, but I realize none of those things that happened to me as a child and into my adulthood really don't matter anymore.  The Bible says we are to forget what is behind us and to look to the future.  That's what I'm going to try to do.  If I can help someone with something specific, just ask and I'll give you my take on it.  But I can't tell my life story without hurting someone and I don't want to do that.


I am really missing my family today.  There's a thin line holding some of us together and it saddens me.  Yes, I made several mistakes as a mother.  If I could go back and change those things, I would.  I resented my mom for being absorbed in her own problems and considered her an absent mom.  Seems that I did the same thing with my children, too.  I didn't recognize it for what it was.

I'm sorry for not being there for you when you needed me to be.  I was overwhelmed with everything that was happening at the time and I didn't even know how to take care of myself.  Thank God for my mom who was there when I couldn't be.  And I don't mean to gloss over this and make excuses for myself.  There are no excuses.

I'm sorry I didn't see what was going on until it was too late.  I'm sorry you had to experience what you did and that you felt you had no ally.

I stood outside a little while ago and listened as the rain hit the roof.  I love rainy weather.  It's a cleansing of sorts and cools the air around us.  It's a peaceful sound, especially if there's a little thunder to go with it.  It brings me closer to God for some reason.  I asked Him to heal our family and bring peace to those who need it so much.

That's all for now.  Just know that I'm sorry and I love you.

Happy Birthday!

Today is my oldest daughter's 36th birthday.  How can that be when I'm so young myself?  It was a tough labor, but the moment I held her and looked into her eyes, I was hooked.  She went everywhere I went and it was almost painful to have her out of my sight.  Maybe that's how it is with the first child.  I had her for six years before she went to live with my mom and dad...long story...keep reading and you'll find out why that happened.

I love Billie very much and am so proud of the way she handles herself in all areas of her life.  She's been through some trials herself, but she always comes out of them a stronger person.  Isn't that the lessons we're suppose to learn when we experience trials and tribulations?

Stay strong, my beloved daughter.  Life isn't easy, but you are handling it perfectly.

In the Beginning

I was told I should write of the things I've been through in my life.  I'd love to if I knew it would benefit someone.  I don't know where to start, either, but I guess the beginning would be the best place.

When we look at the past, we tend to romanticize our memories.  We block out the bad bits and focus on the fairy tale we created to disguise the bad.  Can I be honest?  Will telling the story help me to let go of the past?  Will telling the story help anyone else let go of their own bad bits?

I came into the world in the usual way (a tip of the hat to the song with a similar line), to a family consisting of an 18-year-old mom, a 21-year-old dad, and a 1-year-old brother.  (My parents were so young!)  I'm pretty sure I was loved...I don't have memories that far back, of course.  I can only go by the few pictures I have.  I looked quite content, really.

My earliest memories were when I was about three or four.  By that time, my little brother, Perry, had joined our family and Mom was expecting her fourth baby.  She had a lot of help from her mother, who lived next door.  This was a good thing for Mom because, as the story goes, my dad was a good friend of the bottle and was often gone.

I idolized my dad, even back then.  The situation Mom found herself in was foreign to me, as it should have been.  Children should never carry the burdens of the parents.  I didn't know anything other than the things that affected me personally.  "Ignorance is bliss", as they say, and that's where I was.  I was still innocent and pure.  If I could return to any time of my life in order to walk a different path, this would be the time.

About 2 months after my little sister was born, we packed our meager belongings and headed west to Oregon.  It was one of several reasons:  1)  Grandma had a pen-pal romance with someone out there and we were going with her to meet this guy; 2)Grandma's asthma would be better; and 3)  Dad had a lead on a really good job.  Well, as these things often go, things didn't work out with Grandma's gentleman friend, her asthma got worse, and the job fell through.

We did find temporary shelter in a hot, smelly, canvas tent in a national park near a raging river.  We were there for two weeks while Dad searched for work and a house.  I can't imagine this being much fun for Mom and Grandma, be we kids thought it was quite the adventure!  In fact, Perry and I thought we'd have our own adventure and followed a squirrel into the woods.  Naturally, we got lost and had half the campers looking for us.  Of course, we found our way back eventually and all was well with the world. 

This was when I began disappearing.  Every time the story was told, I was eliminated; it was Perry who got lost and it was Perry everyone was looking for.  Not one mention of me at all.  It made me feel invisible and not important to this family at all.  I have always struggled with being noticed and this just exacerbated that feeling.  First my parents and now my children (a different story for a different day).

I also lost my innocence in that place.  The specifics aren't clear, but I remember a man who lived next door to us playing "secret games" with me in the car.  I also remember a big argument between the adults when they found him "taking a nap" next to me.  I began turning inward and became very shy.

I also began wetting the bed, which didn't go over very well.  I was forced to wear my wet clothes until I became blistered and sore.  Grandma and Mom put me in the bathtub and hosed me down like an animal.  Nothing worked.  Shame and humiliation did its job of pushing me down.  Mom even brought me to a doctor, who told her I was wetting the bed to get back at her.

I really did try to stop on my own.  I would get up before anyone else so i could wash everything...my grandma caught me and then there was more humiliation and shame.  Tony, my older brother, started calling me "Pissy Sissy" and told his friends to call me that, too.  No one corrected him.  I retreated even further into myself because I felt that was no one to defend me or care for me.

We moved back to Minnesota via train and lived with my aunt and uncle until Mom could find a place of our own.  Mom was expecting again, so doing all that on her own must have been difficult.  I started kindergarten.

I didn't mind living with my aunt and uncle, but I didn't have my Dad.  He stayed behind in Oregon to recover from surgery.  I missed him terribly, sleeping with a baton he bought for me to keep him close.

The humiliation and shame became my constant companions as I continued to wet my bed at night.  I was now gifted with my own pair of plastic pants and had to bring them out for company to see.  I was called a baby and Pissy Sissy stuck.

Looking back at all this, I wanted to have what everyone else had.  I wanted a "normal" childhood.  I certainly didn't want as alcoholic father, an absent mother, a grandma who didn't love me, and a brother who beat me up and sexually abused me just for fun.  I learned how to be a victim because I was a victim.  I used to have a recurring dream of being on a table under a very bright light bulb while someone shoved sharp objects inside me.  It was very indicative of what was happening to me at the time.  My childhood was very chaotic.

There were good times and I lived for those times.  For instance, on Saturday night we would get our allowance.  Instead of just handing it out, Dad created a board game similar to "Wheel of Fortune" with different money values on the tabs.  We would each have our turn at spinning the wheel and whatever we land on was our allowance.  Some weeks we came away with a lot and other weeks we got less.  It was more about the game than the money.  I wish I still had that board.

What I loved most about that game was the time we spent together.  The little bits of togetherness made up for some of the loneliness I felt as a kid.  That, and the fact that I could spend some time with my daddy.  It seemed as though we had to take what we could when he was available or not drinking.  Not drinking was the key.

I loved reading...so much so that Mom would tell me to "get my nose out of that book and go outside and play".  One day, Dad brought home a treasure trove of books that the public library was getting rid of.  It was better that Christmas because it was all for me.  Nobody else cared for books as much as I did and I spent many hours reading and re-reading those books.