The Terror of the Treadmill

Oh, I know I'm not going to die.  But somehow, when the timer on my phone indicates it's time to walk on the dreaded treadmill, I reluctantly grab my Sketchers and sulk into the kitchen where the beast awaits.  Because I'm going from total couch potato to early walker, I'm only doing 1/2 mile twice a day, but you would think I'm running a marathon with all the huffing and puffing I do.  Most of it is for show.  To let my husband know I'm working really, really hard.  So I get my rewards after (kisses..."you did it, honey!"...stuff like that).

It really isn't that bad.  I'm giving the old heart a mediocre workout and getting off the couch at least twice a day...more than before, anyway.  I listen to some good Christian music as motivation (you'd be surprised at how many songs have lyrics that go along with the theme that Jesus is walking along with me or carrying me when I get too tired to walk), close my eyes, and use that time to pray for those who can't walk or who walk miles just to go to school.  Before I know it, I'm done.

As soon as I'm used to this pace and my legs stop shaking when I've finished, I'll up the ante and set the controls to go for 3/4 of a mile and keep upping it until I get to a good running pace.  It has taken years to get to the place I'm at and it's going to take years to take it off.  I told Joel last night we just have to think of this activity as a lifetime deal and he agreed.  Having him doing it with me is so encouraging.  Sometimes I think of my friend, Brian, who is now running marathons or my friend, Bruce, who spins...they keep me motivated, too.

And so it continues.

I love Mondays.  Especially Mondays when the heat reaches over 90 degrees and the humidity level is high.  Who says Minnesota isn't in the tropics?  With all these lakes, it's bounds to be humid.  A great day to stay inside and read my Kindle.

One thing I did do today was tackle my treadmill.  You see, I've set timers on my wonderful Motorola Droid Maxx, and once a timer is set, it's set in stone.  I can't deviate from a timer.  (Well, I could, but it would set off some button in my OCD and things would just go haywire from that moment on.)  I've split my walking into two workouts of 1/2 mile two times a day, which all the books and experts say is ok to do.  For someone who's been an expert couch potato for years due to pain and whatnot, I'll take it.

I've just finished my second session.  How do I get through it?  I set my bluetooth, turn my headset on to a Christian radio station, grab my Crystal Light, and walk to the music.  The electronic doo-dads on the treadmill tell me how far I've walked and how fast and so on, so I really don't have to think much.  The pain isn't too bad, as long as I walk correctly and focus on something else.

Something miraculous happens when I'm done...I'm extremely happy, despite the fact that I'm breathing like a beached whale and I'm downing my drink like I haven't drank anything in a week.  I'm doing something good for myself and I haven't done that in a long, long time.  I'm not thinking in terms of weight loss or how good I'm going to look in a bikini (at my age, I wouldn't buy a bikini to save my life, anyway); but I do want to feel good.  My goal is to feel good.

How was your Monday?

Bras and Blessings

Can I just say that I really dislike bras?  For anyone over a cup size B, they are a necessity.  And let me just add, if I did a Google search, I'm pretty sure the inventor of this god-awful contraption was a man!  I mean, really, would my Maker care if I showed up at His party wearing my pjs without a bra?  I doubt it.

I think the women in the Louisiana bayous have it all figured out.  They don't care if they're wearing a bra.  Heck...they don't even bother to put their teeth in half the time!  Let's be natural, ladies!

Ah well.  It wouldn't work.  I'd probably end up on someone's YouTube video or on that horrible website peopleofwalmart.com if I started wearing my shirts without the armor.  So I'll continue to strap the old girls in and suck it up.  Modesty and all that, ya know.

One of the many joys of being a woman.  Y'all have a nice day.  And to our sisters in Louisiana, bless your little hearts!

Mom's 10th Year Memorial

Yesterday was the 10th anniversary of my mom's death.  I have been planning to have the immediate family to gather at her grave site to share memories, etc. for some time...a time to honor her and remember her.  Many invitations had been sent out and many conversations had been had about it.  Of course, as is usually the case in Minnesota, weather had its way and we had to cancel meeting at the grave site and I quickly sent out emails to everyone that we would be meeting at Dad's instead for sharing memories and then we would go out for lunch after.

Jaci didn't show up because "she didn't want to" and we never heard from Billie.  Stephanie couldn't make it because she was relying on Jaci for her ride.  I know Jaci didn't come because she's not talking to me and actually told me that I might as well forget about this gathering as no one was planning to go anyway.  Jaci is a force to be reckoned with and she loves it.  I am a nobody and this proves it.

Thank you Debby, Jayme, Perry, Robin, and Jeremy for showing up and showing your support, for not making Grandpa sit alone on this difficult day.  I thought the others could let this immature nonsense go for one day and stop thinking about themselves, but I guess I was wrong.  Family doesn't mean anything to them anymore.  They have their own families now and we are the unfortunate hangers on...well, me, anyway.

Yes, I'm very hurt by all this.  I didn't think Jaci would sink this low with something I still don't know what set her off about.  After this...I am done.  She won.  I won't contact her again.  The only thread holding us together now are the kids.  She had made it perfectly clear that she doesn't want anything to do with me or Joel and so I will give her what she wants.  If she calls, I won't respond.  If she emails, I will delete it unread.  As far as she is concerned, she has no mother and if that makes her happy, then so be it.  I can't wait around for her to decide to "forgive" me for whatever it is I'm supposed to have done this time.

Two more days and I have surgery again.  This time it's for a complete hysterectomy, including ovaries and fallopian tubes, and a bladder sling.  I'm more nervous about this one.  I know the recovery time is much less that if I had the surgery the old way (where they cut through your abdomen), but I'm looking at at least 6 weeks of recovery time.  Without help.  I'm just going to have to do what I have to do.

Deep breaths.  Praise God for His mercy and grace.  Run to Him for help, because He promised to never leave me.

She calls me a stalker because I follow her on social sites on the internet.  It's the only way I can see her at the moment.  I can't help myself.  I tell myself to just leave her alone, to give her space, but then I need to see what she's saying and doing.  I think of it as a death because right now I have no access to her.  I wonder if she knows just how much she is hurting me right now.  I wonder if she cares, even a little.  Probably not.  She probably thinks it's rather funny.

I want to move on.  I don't know how to let go.  She's my child.  I think of carrying her, giving birth to her, the moments when she was a baby...always so happy and giggling all the time.  She has such a funny sense of humor and I miss that.  I miss her.

Why do I have this tendency to hang onto hurts like this?  Why can't I leave it alone and let God handle it?  I tell Him I will and then I still cry when I see her comments, especially the ones I know are directed at me.  I can't even defend myself to her.

I find out from my husband's sister, of all people, that my daughter is thinking of moving to where her husband works...either North or South Dakota.  When was she planning to tell me, if ever?  I have three grandchildren, who I love very much and would miss terribly, to think about.  Was she going to move and then tell me she was gone?  Or give that responsibility to someone else?  I don't have a problem with her moving to be with Donny; she should.  It's a huge thing to only see your husband one weekend a month.  I would like her to tell me of her plans, though, not hear it from my sister-in-law.  This news was verified through someone else, too, so I know she's been talking about it.

I just miss my daughter.  Lord, I need Your help.

I can't believe how good the Lord is, how perfect His timing is.  This morning a friend sent a Scripture through a Facebook page she created and I know it was a word meant for me:

But from everlasting to everlasting
   the LORD’s love is with those who fear him,
   and his righteousness with their children’s children—Psalm 103:17 NIV

God's righteousness is with my children's children...do you know how much this means to me?


I'm borrowing a lot today; this comes from David Stephens:

God permits into your life the things He could have prevented. There’s no point in second guessing any of your past decisions, because there’s no point in second guessing God. What’s done is done. At issue is not all of the “what” in your life, but rather the “why.” Why didn’t God stop you from making poor choices? Why did He allow overwhelming circumstances into your life that were not of your own doing?

Some people consider asking God “why” as sacrilege. But answers never take hold in your life without you first asking the questions. The purpose of living—the right and wrong, the good and bad, the ups and downs—is to give you a deeper revelation of Jesus in the moment. Once you recognize Jesus in the midst of the “right now,” you’ll begin to see life working for you and not against. God only permits into your life exactly what you need to keep you near to Jesus. – David Stephens

I have blamed myself enough for mistakes I've made as a parent.  I've forgiven my parents for the mistakes they've made.  There needs to be an end to the pattern that has gone back generations in our family for these same kinds of mistakes; the ones that have occurred throughout the generations: alcoholism and other addictions, abuses of all kinds, neglectful parenting.  It took me a lifetime and the death of my mother to understand this.  I wish I could save my children the agony and pain of getting to this point, but I guess they have their own path to acceptance and forgiveness.

 It's difficult, sometimes, to understand the concept of the Lord allowing certain things to happen, but he was with me through it all.  He was with my children through all the things that happened to them.  He wept with us.  There is a plan that is in place and we will come out victors through it.  We are who we are because of some of these things.  Maybe it's part of the plan the Lord has for us to do.  I don't know.  I do know God turns all things into good and He has a definite plan for each of us as we learn to trust Him.

I also trust Him for my children and my children's children and all future generations that may come.  Thank You, Lord, for Your mercies are eternal and Your love endures forever!

What shall I write for today?  I texted my previously-written-about-daughter about the letters I sent to the children to see if they arrived...all she texted back was "NO!", as if it were my fault the mail didn't arrive on the day I thought it should have.  Another "promise" broken, apparently. 

I don't know why she won't talk to me.  I don't know what's going on in her life.  I don't know why she hates me.  Mothers don't always do the right thing by their children; sometimes we make huge mistakes.  But that doesn't mean we get to hate our mothers.  I sometimes think I'm getting paid back for treating my mother the way I did.  I'm crying much more than I ever have, even after my mother died, because this is something that can be fixed and she refuses to let me fix it.  Will time heal this?  I don't know this time.  I apparently irritate her too much right now. 

I don't want to "break up" with my daughter.  I want to "break up" with stress.  What with being fired from my job, having my gall bladder removed and recovering slowly, being in pain all the time, having my daughter hating me, facing a total hysterectomy in two weeks, and having no money to speak of (thank you, my wonderful and generous husband for taking care of all the finances right now...I love you very much), there are times I just want to give up.  Life is so hard!  How can I bare it? 

The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh...blessed be the Name of the Lord.

I did something I've never done before...I picked up the phone and called my sister.  She is also a Christian and just allowed me to cry and talk.  She listened, which is exactly what I needed.  We talked about everything and nothing and God and the Bible and it worked!  I hung up with renewal in my heart and a smile on my lips.  Thank you, Debby.  You are a blessing in my life and I love you.

Another hurdle handled.

Family

Family is a complicated concept.  Are you forced to love family because they are family or can you walk away because they just don't "work" for you anymore?  Love is work; it isn't just a good feeling and can be taken away when you're irritated with someone.

I've recently experienced a breakup of sorts with one of my daughters.  I can't figure out if she's angry because I posted my opinion online about a touchy subject or if I couldn't attend her daughter's birthday pool party because I didn't have the money.  She told me, online for the world to see, to stay out of her life and to not contact her any longer.  Now I have to go through her to talk to my grandchildren and I haven't been given permission to visit with them yet.  She won't talk to me.  She thinks I'm bi-polar and has divided, or is trying to divide, the rest of the family to go for one side or the other. 

Maybe I'm ignorant.  Maybe I do live my life with my head in the sand.  But I just don't understand why she's so angry and why she no longer loves me...her own mother.  We are on opposite ends politically...so what?  A lot of families are that way.  We don't see eye to eye on religion...that's not unusual, either.  But we're both adults and I thought we could handle adult conversations with differing views.

She intimidates me.  The problem is, she knows it and uses it to her advantage.  She's always been much stronger than me.  I can't even tell her that I love her (I did that once and she told me to stop telling her and her family that I love them, that it irritates her).

If you're wondering if this kind of rejection can break your heart, it can.  Literally.  I may be going crazy.  I may even be bi-polar.  But isn't that something that needs some understanding?  I understand that my daughter is going through some things of her own right now and can't devote her time to my issues, but does that mean leaving me behind totally?

And yes, we've gone through this before.  I've given her space and I thought we had resolved our issues.  Then this happens again, seemingly out of the blue.  I don't get it.

I'm having a total hysterectomy on April 30th, which happens to be this daughter's birthday.  A little ironic.  She won't be there for me, of course.  At this point, she could care less.  As for me, the biggest thing is that it bothers me a lot.  A LOT.  I love her so much and this is tearing me up inside.

I have to stop writing for now and go bury my head again.  The pain is too intense. 

Hardly any snow, but still a long winter

Well, that title pretty much sums it up.  Between getting fired on the 6th of January and continuing to deal with health issues preventing me from working, this is getting old.  I have gallbladder surgery coming up on the 27th of February, so hopefully that will take care of the health issues and I can get back to being gainfully employed.

I thank God for my understanding husband.

As for Joel, or love grows by leaps and bounds.  It's such a spiritual bond; it's tighter than anything I've ever experienced in my life and nothing will ever come between us.  We are forever together and that's such a great feeling.  Yes, I waited over 50 years to find this, but it was totally worth it. 

My relationships with my children are finding their niches as well.  Ones that, I think, we're all getting more comfortable with.  For a while, I didn't think some of us were going to survive, but we did and we're on the mend.  I thank God and am grateful for His intervention.  I love my children and grandchildren and great-grandchild so much...I don't think they have any idea how much.  Family means so much to me, although I'm not sure the word "family" means as much to our family as I'd like it to mean.

When I was growing up, I always thought of our family as a close one.  But as our family grew and had families of their own, I realized just how separated we've become.  It saddens me to think holidays aren't spent together, neither are birthdays or other special occasions.  I want it to happen, but since I'm not the glue that holds this family together, it doesn't get done.  Everyone has their own lives now and I must accept that.

Can it be changed?  I don't know.

Stop Living Defeated....God Wants You To Reach Your Potential Because Someone Else's Destiny Is Connected To Your Life ....

A thought for today:

Stop Living Defeated....God Wants You To Reach Your Potential Because Someone Else's Destiny Is Connected To Your Life ....

Why are you living your life as though you are defeated?  God wants you to reach your potential.    Potential means your capacity to succeed.  We all have potential in God .... the question is do we have the mindset to reach it.  You can never reach your God given potential if you are steadily being pulled back by your past.  By the mindset of your past or the actions of your past.  Understand today that the opposite of potential is helpless, impossible, lacking or unpromising.  You will either live in one or the other.  You will either live with the knowledge of who God is and expect Him to fulfill His promises in your life or you will live defeated.  It's time to let go of what was and know that God has a plan for you.  

No....yesterday may not have turned out how you expected it to  or how you even wanted it to.  But today is a new day.  You should have a new expectation.  Your hope should be renewed.  Don't live in disappointment when you know your Father knows what is best for you.  He knows today and He knows tomorrow.  He knows exactly what you need to see your through.  He knows that what you are going through today is exactly what you will need to help someone else get through tomorrow.  Your testimony is the tool that God will use to help strengthen others around you.   There are people that God has assigned to your life specifically.  That is why it is so important that you be and do what God has called you to be and do.  When you truly understand that someone else's destiny is attached to yours.....you will begin to understand why it is so important for you to be in place.

Make it a point today to live up to your potential so that those whom God has assigned to your life will be able to step into their destiny.   


I got this from Cathy's Corner, a blogger, and give all the credit for the words to her as she was led by the Lord.

CHRISTMAS POST-MOM

When I was a little girl, Christmas was always a time of great anticipation.  We could hardly wait to bring home and decorate our real Christmas tree and pack it full of ornaments and tinsel.  Then the presents under the tree...oh, the great presents!  We would spend hours of stolen moments looking for the packages that had our names on them and wonder what was inside.

Finally, the day arrived.  Aunts, uncles, cousins, and Grandma would descend upon us, everyone carrying more gifts and goodies.  They always made us eat something good before we delved into the goodies, but I guess that was ok.  Fastest sandwich we ever ate was eaten on Christmas Eve!  We would all gather in our tiny living room, finding our spot to sit.  Someone would be appointed as "Santa" (sometimes "Santa" would even come to our door and deliver a special gift) and the unwrapping would begin.  Christmas was magic.

After Mom passed away, Christmas sort of did, too.  This year my children all celebrated with their own families and Joel and I went to my son's house for dinner on Christmas day, otherwise, we passed gifts amongst ourselves.  I guess it isn't about the gifts or how many people come to your house.  I spent Christmas with my wonderful husband and I wouldn't want to be anyplace else.  I do miss seeing the grandchildren open their presents, but hopefully there will be pictures to enjoy.

It's bittersweet.  I wish Christmas could stay the same magical day it was when I was a child, but times change and new memories are formed.  My prayer is that my grandchildren remember their holidays with as much fondness as I remember mine.

Hope yours was filled with many blessings and love!

NYC New York Color

(http://www.newyorkcolor.com)

I received this product complimentary to test through Influenster’s VoxBox program.

NYC New York Color Liquid Lipshine

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A beauty-editor favorite is Liquid Lipshine ($2.49). It has pure pigments that created a 3-D gloss effect. Vitamin E provides shine and a moisturizing feel. The formula is non-sticky, super shiny & soft. Available in 10 on-trend shades from neutral nudes, to berries & fuchsias. Start shopping for NYC at these stores nearest you: Walmart, Target, Rite Aid, CVS, Family Dollar, Duane Reade, Kmart, HEB, and others.  Visit newyorkcolor.com to check out all shades and fun products from New York Color!

imPRESS Press-on Manicure

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I received this product, along with many other products, complimentary to test through Influenster’s VoxBox program.  

Influenster

I know...I hate commercials, too.  But this idea really has me excited!  I signed up for testing products through Influenster.com and just received my first box of full-sized products.  No samples here!  I received Softsoap exfoliating soap (2 full-size bars), NYC lip gloss, Mentos gum, and a bunch of other items.  It's so much fun to open boxes of surprises and it's totally free!

VoxBoxes are themed packages of products mailed directly to qualified member’s homes. Boxes include a variety of products from top beauty, health, grooming, snack, beverage & lifestyle brands!

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 You can sign up at influenster.com.  Let me know when you get your first box and tell me what you think!

Spent

I wish there was a way to take a break from everything.  Even if I do get away for a few days, I still have my awesome mind trailing along.  Work continues to be stressful, I have health issues I'm dealing with, family issues are clouding my mind and breaking my heart...when does it stop?

I guess never.  God never promised us an easy life.  In fact, He told us it was going to be hard.  I wonder what people do who don't have the Lord in their lives?  Talk about being alone!  I think I'm just tired.  If anyone has any ideas on how to relax and let go, please tell me how to do that!

Kaila

I am so hurt by your comment.  I've been through this before with Lindsay, but I never thought we would be standing on the same ground. 

Every few years I get to mourn the loss of a grandchild who turns into a know-it-all teenager and doesn't want me in their life anymore. Then six or seven years later, they come back and show love again. Problem with that theory is eventually I'm going to run out of years and they won't be able to get that back. I would save them the heartache of regret, but I can't do it for them. So, precious granddaughter...I tell you this. I have loved you from the moment I knew you were coming and I will always love you. You can have your teenage angst and tantrums and reactions to truth, but my love for you will never change.  My love for you is unconditional and I will be here when you return (if I can be).

These things are always such a process for me.  I truly mourn...losing the love of someone you love so much is physically painful.  I don't know why God made me such an emotional woman, but He did and my heart breaks easily.  

I want an apology, but I know I won't get one.  Yet.  Maybe I never will.  Did I hurt my mother or grandmother in this way?  I surely hope not.  If I did, I don't have the opportunity to say I'm sorry and that I love them.

I know I'm rambling...but sometimes that's just how my brain operates.  The more I process these things, the quicker I can move on.  I forgive you, Kaila.  In my heart, I will always forgive you.

Relax

I spent a good 30 minutes on my knees in the bathroom, bleach cleaner in one hand and paper towels in the other.  I organized all the things that were sitting on the side of the toilet and scrubbed everything down.  After that, I gathered up all the trash and put it out for the garbage truck in the morning.  Then I washed and dried a load of whites.

So what, you say?  I have constant pain from fibromyalgia and degenerative disk disease and doing anything for 30 minutes in a row is a painful process.  I have to remind myself that I'm not doing these things to please my husband (well, maybe a little), but because it pleases the Lord when I am taking care of things.

Did my husband notice the clean bathroom?  Nope.  What he did notice was that I didn't wash a complete load of whites (the basket was full, but apparently not full enough).  Were my feelings a little hurt?  Yep.  But I'm also trying to learn not to let my emotions rule me and this was a good lesson for me to internalize it.  To not play the martyr and give Joel the silent treatment when he doesn't jump for joy that I did the laundry.  Why would I expect that?  That's how I react when he does something nice for me, but he's not a woman.  I doubt he even noticed the dust and grime in the bathroom.

So I'm blogging and relaxing.  Smiling at him and giving him kisses as I normally do.  Meek, gracious, loving, and kind.  Being a woman is a tough job.

The Good Ol' American Way

Work.


That's really all I have to say.  We wake up, get ready for the day, put in our 8 hours, and come home.  The people in the trenches, like me, get paid a pittance compared to the office staff, which is bogus since we do the actual dirty work.  If any of the office staff ever read this, they'd be angry, but they're lazy!  They leave their dirty dishes all over the kitchen, which I clean because I hate the smell after awhile, and even use up the last of the toilet paper without replacing the roll.  Maybe they think there's a toilet paper angel who comes around and makes everything right again.  (Yea...me.)  Or maybe I've taken on a few OCD tendencies from one of our consumers.

Don't get me wrong.  I love what I do.  Even the menial chores, like showering and toileting don't really bother me.  I've established good relationships with the consumers so they trust me...that makes it so much easier.  It's weird, but I actually miss them when I have a day off.  I just wish everyone would do the same...do unto others and all that.

I work with some awesome staff, though.  Other than the toilet paper roll and the dirty dishes, they're some of the nicest people I've ever worked with.  I'm sure they have tons of things to do, unbeknownst to me, so I'm complaining about things I have no idea of.  No one gossips or talks about things they shouldn't be.  Our new girl is a breath of fresh air (she's about 20 and pregnant with her first baby), and the rest of the DSPs (Direct Service Professional) I've worked with since day 1.

So all in all, my job is a good one.  First and foremost, I'm thankful I have a job.  So many in this country don't and we need to be praying for those people.

Emotions

Today's reading has to do with our emotions and how we should handle them in our lives.  I've always thought of myself as an even-tempered person, but that's only because I push my feelings down.  When I become too full of them, I show my emotions as either anger or hurt.  I get defensive, ready to do battle.  I say things I don't mean and regret later.  My attitude gets increasingly worse and it's hard to come back from that.  I've done that since I was a child and learned how to be invisible.  I'm just now accepting God's healing in this and learning to have a voice and be who I was meant to be.  It's a process.

"A fool vents all his feelings, but a wise man holds them back."  Proverbs 29:11

Today I will learn to walk in wisdom.