I don't really want to write today.  I woke up with a sore throat and my tongue was all white and sore.  In fact, my whole face felt swollen.  Went to Urgent Care and found out I have Thrush.  Who gets that besides babies???  I am looking at 4 days before my wedding and I have thrush.  Thank God for antibiotics.  I should be fine by then.  I'm glad I have today off, too, because I can focus on taking my meds and getting better.

So weird.

Posting Comments

I think I've figured out why your comments haven't been posting and hopefully have fixed the problem.

Comment away!

I Hate Diets!

I started using an app on my phone called myfitnesspal to track everything I eat and drink and what exercise I get.  After getting on the scale last night and saw where I'm at, it was like a huge slap in the face.  How can I love myself right now?  I just have to love me because God created me in His image.  That should be enough.

But is it?  Right now I'm very angry for being complacent about myself.  I weigh more that I ever have and more than a lot of guys I know.  I thank God that Joel loves me as I am, but this late night eating has to stop.  I'm already 75 calories over my goal for the day, which means I have to exercise more and my eating is done for the day.

I can do this.  I have no choice and I have no excuses.  My tyranny stops now.  With God's help, all things are possible, even this.  I believe God delights in fulfilling His Word when His children are involved.

"Stay alert, be in prayer so you don't wander into temptation without even knowing you're in danger.  There is a part of you that is eager, ready for anything in God.  But there's another part that's as lazy as an old dog sleeping by the fire."  Matthew 26:41.

That's me!  I may not be an old dog, but my side of the couch is surely as comfortable as lying by that fire.

Well, no more laziness for me!  I have a good life to live and grandchildren to watch grow up.  It's going to be difficult at times, but life is never easy.

Your prayers for strength and courage would be greatly appreciated!

Philippians 4:14

"It was a beautiful thing that you came alongside me in my troubles."

I'm well aware that this verse is talking about our Lord Jesus, but I can apply it to when Joel and I got together as well.  I had truly believed in my heart that I was going to remain single the rest of my life.  I lamented that fact that I didn't "belong" to anyone, that there was no "S" behind my name signifying a plurality I would never enjoy.  There was just a spark of joy in my life and I wanted more. 

Out of sadness came beauty.  Our niece, Michelle, died (my brother used to be married to Joel's sister) and we exchanged Facebook names.  After that started a relationship like no other.  Joel and I were as twin spirits...we liked the same things, we both pointed out the same flaws in movies...we though alike on so many levels.  I know God is working in Joel just as He works in me.

I had just about given up hope, and then there was Joel.  In five (very short) days I will become his wife.

Yes, it was a beautiful thing.

"We pray that you'll live well for the Master, making Him proud of you as you work hard in His orchard.  As you learn more and more how God works, you will learn how to do your work.  We pray that you'll have the strength to stick it out over the long haul...not the grim strength of gritting your teeth, but the glory-strength God gives.  It is strength that endures the unendurable and spills over into joy, thanking the Father who makes us strong enough to take part in everything bright and beautiful that He has for us."  Colossians 1:10-12

There are days I wonder how I'll ever get through them.  This happens mostly at work.  Doing what I do can be very stressful sometimes because I'm dealing with people.  People change according to what is in their own heart and we can't always control that.  So I go to work everyday, hopeful that the day will be something I can endure, that I can love, and that I can show others God's kind of love.

I'm actually looking forward to today's shift because most of the consumers are off with families.  I have two of my favorite guys home for most of the day, though.  I wish I could talk about them more, but with privacy issues, it isn't an option.  Just know that I have fun at work and the consumers look forward to me coming in.  At least the guys do.  The ladies are pretty adaptable.

I try my best to do even the most menial of tasks with a positive heart.  I look at these people as family members and sometimes go out of my way to make their life meaningful and enjoyable.  I'm not "tooting my own horn", but trying to help you in your work and attitude about it.  I do some pretty nasty things sometimes, but it helps if I remember that "whatever I do to the least of these, I do unto Christ".  He is watching, whether anyone else is or not.  In fact, it really doesn't matter to me that my bosses know my motivation.  God knows and He is the One who promotes us and provides for us.

Other than work, not much going on in my little world today.  Five days until the wedding...the days are actually going pretty fast, considering.

Matthew 6:6

Jesus said, "Her's what I want you to do.  Find a quiet, secluded place so you won't be tempted to role-play before God.  Just be there as simply and honestly as you can manage.  The focus will shift from you to God, and you will begin to sense His grace."

Besides the bathroom, my car is one of the best places for me to pray and seek God.  I have to admit, though, the car does have its disadvantages.  I have to actually maneuver this monstrosity in a safe manner, so I can't just let go and listen for God. 

I am thinking the place Joel and I are getting married at just might be that "get away" place for me.  For one thing, it will always be a special place because of the wedding.  It's also special because it's near the place Mom and Dad picked wildflowers for their wedding.  As long as there are no people there, it would be absolutely the perfect place to seek God at.

I live in the country, so if it isn't convenient for me to drive across town, I have many places to go to be alone.  Me, God, and the best bug spray I can find and I have acres to roam about in without anyone interfering.

Where is your favorite place to pray and seek God?

Summertime with the Grands

As soon as the munchkins got here (William is now 11, so his social life overrides an overnight at Grandma's house...lol), we took off for Lake Kohlmier for a swim.  Of course, we forgot towels, but who needs a towel when there's a nice breeze and a park nearby to dry off at?  We forged ahead, ready for adventure.

I do believe my grandchildren are part fish...they are naturals in the water and aren't afraid to try anything.  At least once.  At one point, there were five kids (not all of them belonged to me, thank goodness) standing at the top of the lifeguard post.  All five of them jumped at the same time, which, if I would have had my camera ready, would have made for a really good picture.  However, I'm never that prepared.  The shots I get are usually "Danea...look over here and smile".  Then I get the forced smile look.

When I got tired of swatting the mosquitoes off, or at least most of them, I gathered my grands and we headed off to the park.  I'm not as nervous at a park.  They can't drown at a park.  They can, however, climb on top of the slide instead of using it for its' intended purpose, and holler, "Hey Grandma, look how high I am!"  Silly little people.  Even if I wanted to rescue them from such a height, I couldn't manuever this body to the correct location.  I'd probably get dizzy just swinging on the swing!  Age does have its' benefits...I'm just waiting to find them.  I occupied my time looking through a catalog I just received for vitamins and other items that promise to give me energy and a long life.  Does looking at a vitamin count?  I'm hoping so.

Anyway, we came home and had popsicles and watched "Monsters, Inc".  I think I wore them out.  I'm sure they wore me out.  Either way, it was a good day and I hope, a happy memory for them.

Lazy Day

I just woke up and it's already afternoon!  I adore sleeping in.  The room is dark, my phone is in the other room so I can't hear it, the fan is making that white noise thing (lol)...I wonder how long I could actually sleep?

I dreamed that I was in a soap opera working in a pharmacy.  Came into work and found the pharmacist was taking one of the patient's oxycontin before he was going to drive it out to her house.  I caught him and took the drugs away from him to do a recount.  Found three missing.  The pharmacy assistant was also involved, so they were both arrested.  I was worried about the soap opera not making it without these key players. 

What was I doing in a soap opera, anyway?  I hate them and all their drama.  Maybe it's all these pre-wedding jitters I've been having.  I'm not doubting that marrying Joel is one of the best decisions of my life.  But it is a ceremony and those always make me nervous.

My plans for today involve painting and laundry...neither of which will probably get done since three of the grands are coming to spend the night.  It's cool.  As long as each one has a computer, they're happy.  They also like the fact that our toilet has a bidet feature...they think that's funny for some odd reason.  Kids!  Strange little creatures.  Maybe I'll throw them (well, not literally) in the car and we'll go to the park or something.

They are precious little beings and love them.

More from the Day

Do you know where you're going?  Do you have a plan for your life?  And why am I asking such personal questions?

At any moment in time, you could be facing the last moment you will have on this earth.  We all know we aren't going to live forever, but no one ever gives thought to that one moment when we breathe our last. 

It's not complicated.  Or it shouldn't be.  It's not about how many verses of the Bible you've memorized.  It's not about how many times you've gone to church.  It's not about how nice you are to the young men in black suits that come knocking on your door.

It's about Jesus Christ.  It's about His life and what He did for you and I.  God wanted you to come be with Him forever, so He came to earth as a man (still being God) to take our place,  What do I mean by that?  When Adam and Eve disobeyed God, they caused a separation between man and God.  Sin came into the world and we became a part of it.  But God loved us so much, He didn't want to leave us in that state.  So He came to earth to take the punishment we deserved for being rebellious so we could escape that punishment.

It's already done.  You've been saved.  All you have to do is accept that Jesus was crucified and died for your sins and you are no longer guilty.  Ask Jesus to come into your life and give Him the control over it.  You will be amazed at the changes God can bring!

I'm so frustrated right now.   One of the shrugs I ordered came today and it's exactly what I wanted.  It even fits the way it's supposed to.  The problem?  The dress I wanted to wear is too tight.  I know I've gained weight since being with Joel (not blaming him at all), but I didn't realize it was that bad.  Some of it is due to medications I'm on, but a lot of it is the fact that I can't say no to things like Butterfingers and chips and dip late at night.

I do have another dress I can wear and that's the one I'll be wearing.  But I've lost control and I need help!  I've searched online and all the programs that seem to work are too expensive.  In my head, it's all about eating the right foods, eating the right amount of food, and stopping when my body is full.  I also need to move more.  Simple, right?

What is wrong in my head?  Why do I feel comfort when I eat an entire bag of Butterfingers, snack size?  How is there comfort in food?  Food is not my friend.  Food cannot make me feel loved and comforted.  I need to replace my desire for eating the wrong foods and replace it with a desire to know God more.

If anyone has an answer for me on how to do this, I really am asking for help.

9 Days and Counting

I have to go to work.  I'd much rather stay at home and do this or at least do something to get ready for next week.  I'm praying that a shrug I ordered will get here before the wedding.  I'm hoping my hair will cooperate that day.  I really want a nice day, sunny and in the 70s with a cool breeze.  Will I get all that?  I know words are powerful and to whomever is listening (I'M JOKING!), but what will probably happen is I will get the shrug on Saturday, it will be raining, my hair will look like I just rolled out of bed, and no one will show up.

Of course, none of those things will happen.  It's a very intimate moment of my life and the only people who actually need to be there will be.  It's human nature to worry, even if we're told not to.  God is in the details and He delights in making us happy.  So I will leave it all in His very capable hands.

Today it is 9 days until I become Mrs. Joel Hershberger.  I've been practicing writing out my name like a 19-year-old blushing bride.  I need to get a grip here!

Please

If you have been reading these posts, I would appreciate it very much if you would post comments.  Critique all you want...constructive criticism is welcome!

Thanks!

I Pray Everyday for my Precious Children

Father, may my children be as the sons of Issachar and have understanding of the times.  May my children seek You and Your strength.  May they seek Your face forever. 

Lord, I pray that my children would set their heart and soul to You.  May my children stand every evening to give You thanks and praise.

Lord, I pray that my children would delight in Your law and that they would meditate on it, pondering it day and night.

Father, keep my children as the apple of Your eye, hide them under the shadow of Your wings.  Show my children Your ways, O Lord; teach
them Your paths.  Lead them in Your truth and teach them, for You are the God of their salvation.

Lord God, give my children understanding to know that You are their hiding place.  You will preserve them from trouble and surround them with songs of deliverance.

I pray, Father, that my children will delight themselves in You and that You would give them the desires of their heart.  Create in my children a clean heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within them.

May my children trust in You with all their heart, and lean not on their own understanding.  I pray that they will acknowledge You in all their ways and that you would direct their paths.

I pray that my children would hear instruction and be wise, that they would not disdain it.  May my children have pity on the poor, for they that have pity on the poor lend to You, and You will pay back what they have given. 

Lord, through wisdom, may my children build their house, and by understanding may it be established.  By knowledge may the rooms be filled with all precious and pleasant riches.

O Lord, I pray that my children would understand that You are their salvation; may they trust in You and not be afraid.  Be their strength and song.  O God, become their salvation.

I thank You, Abba Father, for sending godly people in my children's lives and that You would give them the words that will pierce my children's hearts to God.  I thank You for their salvation and claim my children for You now in Jesus' Name.  Amen.

Things I Have to Do

1. Find shoes
2. get a bra
3. figure out my hair
4. color my hair
5. do laundry
6. clean kitchen and bathroom
7. figure out who all is coming to our wedding
8. ask Katrina about the cake
9. get plates and utensils for those who want wedding cake

I thought this was going to be a simple wedding with us and our witnesses.  A select few have invited themselves (not a problem whatsoever) and there are a select few I wanted to be there.  Joel and I have chosen the location, we have the marriage license, we have the rings, and really, all we have to do now is wait for the day and show up.

It's funny because all these lonely years I never once thought I would find a man who loves me like Joel loves me and one I love as well.  I never once thought I would be married again.  I'm getting butterflies in my 53-year-old stomach...funny.

All these things will work themselves out and the day will come and go like any other day.  Right now I'm just praying for a clear sky and temps in the 70s.  That would be perfect.

Walking in the Light

Psalm 43:3 
Send out your light and your truth;
let them lead me;
let them bring me to your holy hill
and to your dwelling!

Psalm 56:12,13
I must perform my vows to you, O God;
I will render thank offerings to you. 
For you have delivered my soul from death,
yes, my feet from falling,
that I may walk before God
in the light of life.

Painful Emotions

Having kind of a tough moment.  Someone I love dearly isn't talking to me right now.  My heart actually hurts.  We used to be so close and now she thinks I'm just a fake and a chameleon.  She says I get lost in a relationship and don't show people who I really am.  Now I'm afraid to write anything.  I'm feeling pushed down and silenced once again.

I know this has more to do with me than with my loved one.  I know I can chose my own attitude, but it's hard to do when my feelings are hurt.  God gave us our emotions and I really should just stay with the feeling until it resolves itself.  Find out why people can get me to feel this way.

I think it's because I feel guilty where this person is concerned.  I didn't always do right by her and for whatever reason, these feelings of abandonment are bombarding her now.  I tell her I love her, but there's just no response.  The hurt is worse because we used to do so much together.  I know I should give her some time to process everything she needs to, but it's very difficult for me to wait.

Blah, blah, blah.  Tomorrow will be a better day.

Chapter Three: Teen Years

This is a subject that is very private and difficult for me.  This is where I made the most mistakes.  We now know that the teenage brain is not fully developed until into his or her twenties, but back then, it was just plain, old rebellion and risk-taking.

As I mentioned earlier, I grew up without a lot of supervision.  In my teen years, Mom worked a split-shift at the telephone company, so no one was home when we got home from school.  Dad stayed up in the cities with my aunt and uncle so he didn't have to drive back and forth to his job in Minneapolis.  I made supper and cleaned up after, all the while trying to avoid any physical attacks from my brother. I was also responsible for taking care of my younger brothers and sister.  Even when Mom came home, she never believed any of the stories we told her about the abuses we suffered.

I didn't date.  I associated attention from boys my age and older (my brother's friends) as love, even if it was for a short period of time.  It became a game for me after awhile.  I would get someone to "love" me, then I would drop them without a word of explanation.  I wanted someone to care for me, but didn't really know what to do with the attention I did get.  The sexual abuse from several relatives continued as well (I will not name them because it serves no purpose and I have forgiven them.) and I felt really alone and worthless.

At school, things were worse.  I really felt invisible there and barely spoke up.  I had a few friends, but they weren't in my grade.  The "popular" girls I had been friends with in grade school barely looked my way anymore and it was torturous to try to make new friends.  I stayed home from school a lot, even though I was getting good grades.  I couldn't stand being ignored there, too.  At least at home, I could hide myself away and be alone for a little while.  It got so bad, my mom arranged for me to live with my aunt and her partner in Columbia Heights, MN.  I'm not sure what the purpose of that was.

I was enrolled in a huge school where I knew absolutely no one.  I couldn't bear to sit alone at lunch time, so would bring my lunch to my locker and sit on the floor and eat.  My aunt bought me all kinds of clothes and things to make me feel at home, but that didn't work, either.  The minute I turned 16, I quit school and went back home.

Well, not really home.  I stayed at my aunt and uncle's house in Faribault for awhile.  That was the worst thing I could have done in a lot of ways.  I love my aunt, but there were problems I don't care to share.  I ended up finding an apartment on my own.  Yes, I lived alone at 16.  I lied about my age and I had a good job, so thought it would be the perfect thing to do.  If it wasn't for the goodness of some of my aunt's friends, I would have starved to death.  I didn't know how to manage my money.  Basically, I paid my rent and blew the rest. 

Enough for now.  It's not all that easy to bring all this up and write about.  I'm purging so I can resolve things with my daughter.  Maybe someday she'll understand me a little better.  I don't consider myself a victim, but I certainly had many reasons to become one.

This is the place Joel and I have chosen to get married at (in less than two weeks...oh my!).  It's very serene there; perfect for us.  There's plenty of room for people to sit and it will be a great place for pictures after the wedding.

How many times have I dreamed of this moment?  How many times have I prayed for this to happen?  God brought Joel back into my life in such a strange way (at our niece's funeral)...a place you wouldn't normally "find" someone you will love for the rest of your life.  But He did.  What clinched it for me was the email I received from Joel after our first date...he said he had a wonderful time and thanked me for sharing it with him.  How could I not respond to that?

He's also a man of his word.  I don't think he knows how to lie.  I've learned if I don't want to know the answer to something, don't ask.  ("Does this make my butt look big?" for instance.)  Joel will tell you exactly what he thinks.  This is good, though.  I feel a security with him because I know he doesn't take love lightly and wouldn't say it if he didn't mean it.

We have never fought.  We come to agreements over disagreements and we talk things out if there's an issue.  We are alike in so many ways, too.  We both enjoy quiet evenings at home...we both love the lake and being out there on the boat...we both are night owls and sleep in in the morning...there are many times we think of the very same thing, even the most obscure things.  I truly love this man and I know he loves me.  This is why we work together so well.

I can't wait!

Why can't I think of anything to write about?  Usually this late at night the words just flow.  Tonight I've been dammed up.  All I can think about is the fact that I'll be married in two weeks.  Exciting for me...not so exciting for the rest of the world.  I look over at Joel, who is clipping his toenails and think, "I'm the luckiest woman in the world!"

It just proves to me that my love for Joel is going to last.  If I can love him while watching him clip his toenails, then I can love him anywhere.  And anytime.  I am going to grow old with this man (which is right around the corner for me) and I'm as excited about my wedding as any 24-year-old doing it for the first time.  I'm not going to have the white wedding dress, the church full of people I don't know, food that costs $52 a plate for dried out chicken, or the cheesy band that only knows four songs that they play over and over.  What I will have is family I love and the love of family.  It will be beautiful.

Middle of the Night Musings

I've been searching the internet for hours, looking for the perfect dress to wear on August 5th.  Do you think I can find anything?  Nah...that would be too easy.  We've both decided to keep things simple, so I'm going for the summer dress motif, white and blue.  It really shouldn't be this difficult.  I'm on limited funds, too, which doesn't help.

But, hey...what happened to my good attitude?  The day will come, I will put on the dress and makeup, and my hair will be perfect.  When I am old and gray (next year for those of you counting), the dress I wore won't be so important.  I have a feeling when I'm holding Joel's hands in mine and we are saying our vows to one another, I won't be thinking about my dress.  I will be thinking what a wonderfully fortunate woman to have found such a man, perfect for me in so many ways.

I still am having a hard time wrapping my head around the idea of getting married.  It's been so long since I've had the title of "wife" and I'm going to cherish every moment. 

16 days and counting...